Home - originally published 23rd April

It's strange being home. I haven't lived here for about 5 years. At one point I never thought I would leave my hometown - terribly timid and unable to do anything for myself, moving out of Lincoln never really entered my mind as a likely event. Then, after settling in at university, the idea of coming back filled me with more dread than never leaving ever did.

I'm ok with being back - it allows me to build bridges - but it is weird nonetheless. I worked so hard to get to where I was and it feels a bit like going back to square one. Leaving Cambridge is ok, I was unhappy with the way my life was going, constantly worrying about my finances etc. But leaving the nursery was so hard - so very hard!

Currently I am trying to sort out things at home and my dad keeps telling me to give myself time, something I am very hard at. I want to get going again - yet I am so exhausted I seem to have done nothing but sleep since coming home. This is a time of processing and meditating on exactly which direction to go in next. This is just a temporary measure, to sort my finances out and so whatever I do I want to be preparation for moving away again.

I have my ideas of what I want to do but keep being distracted by others' opinions. I want to be responsible about this, but I also don't want to restrict myself to what others think I should do. I have asked my dad to sit down with me and work out a minimum amount he thinks I should be bringing in per month to help me set out a plan.

Apparently there is a government initiative which brings in independent people to teach language classes and things in primary schools or something similar. My sister's friend is a primary teacher so I am going to talk to her about it. There is also a 6-week long work-experience initiative happening here soon, where graduates get paid a decent wage per day to teach in schools and get a taster of what it's like. My heart really doesn't seem to want to do that as I had felt if I were going to leave the nursery I would be going to do my own thing... I need to think some more...