Buttercups and Roses

So, we've been bumbling along like this bee we saw a few weeks ago, alighting on this leaf and that flower, trying to find the sweet nectar we are searching for to make our own honey!

We've hit a few snags, that's only to be expected, but on the whole things are actually ok - they really are... we are learning to have faith that we will get there - we will be able to live our dream!

It's been a hard couple of weeks for us - the uncertainty and pressure has been immense and I have had to deal with the impending loss of a job I both adore and feel very confident in. I am going to grieve for the passing of this stage of my life - but I am also excited about the space it leaves for a new chapter to begin...

In recent weeks T and I have taken every opportunity we have had to return to nature, to touch base with our roots, and really try to forget about the worries that are crowding into our minds and filling our hearts with fear. All we create through our fearful thoughts is more fear and without these moments in nature we might have gone mad!!

In taking this time to simply "be" I have realised that once again my heart has been over-ruled by the expectations of others. Any of you who know me well or have been following this blog for a while will know by now how much I yearn to run my own business. I cannot tell you why this is so important, I just feel like I want to - it's almost like all the ambition my university lecturers think I was lacking has never been lacking at all - I just never had the right sort of ambition for the kinds of careers people always expected me to go into.

After all - one of the few things I always knew I wanted to be without a doubt was a mother - I adore children and nurturing them - why else would I settle for such terrible money and such long hours if I didn't desire to encourage and nurture others? I want this to work in my favour - I want to have a business where I can use my passions for nature, writing, photography, sewing etc to inspire and help others. And I want a business I can run from home when I have a family of my own - rather than spending most of my life away from my children.

I'm incredibly blessed to have found a partner who not only supports me in this dream but wishes to be a major part of it. Some of you may remember how I have tried a few things in the past to little avail - mostly because I wasn't thinking in a business-like way. On a more spiritual level I wasn't living in line with my beliefs - I was blocking a potential move through fear of rejection (working on something you believe in but others may find a ridiculous concept is quite scary!!). Yet since meeting T I have become far more connected to my spirituality once more and feel so much more connected to the Earth I want to realign my life not just for me but also for the planet...

Through the hardships recently T has helped me realise that we can do this and that I don't have to do it alone. I was working all hours to expand my Reiki blog to perhaps expand it into a business idea. I added a forum (having helped to run one whilst at uni and having met many of my dearest friends through such a medium) as a way to encourage people to interact and share skills and advice rather than always relying on money as the only form of exchange. I then set up an eBay shop to firstly sell some of our books we no longer want to get a bit of money to help fund the initial costs of the projects we have in mind. I was doing this all after 10 hour days at work and I was exhausted. I finally hit a wall yesterday and T finally managed to make it clear to me that I didn't have to do it all... what a relief!

And this works well for him too - as he was feling immensely guilty about my going to work whilst he stayed home. Now he has a purpose and a list of things that need to be done to get our business off the ground. Instead of sitting around, simply waiting to see the specialist and find out what can be done about his hands, T is using the time we have both been given to do the hard legwork we'd never have time to do if we both worked full-time.

We have a shared dream - I am no longer living my own dream but that of another as well - and it feels good. As bumbling bees we occasionally land upon a rose!!

Wishing you all a beautiful week - thank you for all of your love and support

Amanda and T xx

Just a quick note

T was made redundant on Tuesday *sigh*

He spoke with his boss about his wrist problems and his boss said he was glad T told him because he was going to sack him anyway because his work wasn't up to standard. Now that his boss knows why it wasn't to standard (i.e. he couldn't cope with the workload) his boss has agreed to pay him for this week (even though he hasn't worked) and drafted a redundancy letter for him instead of out and out sacking him *phew*

T rang up the job centre today and we ae now eligible for housing benefit and help with our council tax because there is no way we can afford £725 per month when last month I only brought home £736 and my salary is now the only one we have!!

All's not lost though - we are both firm believers that everything happens for a reason, even when we cannot see what that reason is. Right now we are just thankful T is not damaging himself more whilst waiting to see the specialist and hopefully getting some treatment. Also it is giving me that extra push to move forwards - I spent the whole of my morning off jazzing up my CV. I then went in to work and had a wonderful time sat in the garden with 3 of the babies (it was a VERY unusually quiet day at the nursery for some reason) and thought how much I'm gonna miss these children :o( BUT I also know it is never always like that and when I started to feel ill during the latter part of the afternoon and had anoter request to work extra hours at the creche this weekend I knew I was making the right decision.

Anyway - I thank you all for your support and I do hope that I didn't offend any mothers wit my previous post. I certainly didn't mean to imply all SAHM do nothing outside of being at home with their children I just know that *I* would be that kind of person (and having grown up seeing my mum's whole life revolve around us and my dad and nothing but the home that kinda scares me!!)

We'll get there, T and I! We celebrated our year of knowing each other yesterday and reflected on just how much we have both grow and achieved in this past year - if we can do all that then we can certainl get through this latest hurdle - after all you don't get anywhere without a few bumps and bruises do you?!

Do you still remember me?

So sorry for the length of time between posts!! I've just been crazy busy - you know how it is?!


T's health has taken a distinct turn for the worse - meaning getting him out of plumbing is of high importance and I have finally faced the fact that I should get out of care work and into a job which pays more. Do you remember my previous post about how unhappy he was and how I wondered if I should leave my job to make things easier for him? I really appreciated all the support and advice from you guys and T and I spoke about my staying in childcare but then he got a referral from the doctor to see a specialist at the hospital because they think he has Carpal Tunnel syndrome. This means installing a boiler single-handedly each day, carrying boilers up and down stairs that should be carried between 2 or more people and the constant twisting of his wrists and holding vibrating tools is not only painful in the short-term but also a concern for how it will affect him long-term.


I have seen his character change - he has become withdrawn and so fragile it makes me want to cry at how little I can do to help him. He feels guilty about looking for other types of work, even though, having looked around, I know that I can earn far more than he ever could and perhaps I should. I mean people invested an awful lot of money into the 4 years I spent at university and the skills I developed there are being wasted. More and more, in fact, I am getting frustrated because as an unqualified care assistant I can't do much, can't change things for the better, can't utilise what I know more but just have to "go with the flow". I am beginning to actually yearn for an intellectual challenge as well as a physical one...

You see, when I left university my confidence was knocked. As my dad said - at school I was a big fish in a little pond, then suddenly I was surrounded by some of the cleverest people in the country (Nottingham University was recently ranked number 9 in the country). The standard was so high, the pressure to succeed even higher. I spent a large amount of time there exhausted and ill. My best never felt good enough and I constantly felt I would miss the mark. By the time I left uni I wanted to be rid of that and as I adored care so much that's the route I took.


I adore my job - I love going to work, I love being with the children, I love the responsibility of it all... but at the end of the day I am working 41 hours per week for a mere £12k - where's the fairness in that?! Let's be fair, in the next few years T and I would like to think about settling down, moving somewhere nicer and starting a family. At the end of the day - I have qualifications and experiences that stand me in stead to be on a much higher salary than he could ever earn. I hate that it all comes down to money, but it does... if having the comfort of knowing our bills will be paid, even with a family, requires me to work and T to stay home with the kids then that's a choice I am more than willing to make!


I always thought I would want to be a SAHM and I would love it, truly I would, but more and more I am aware that I would eventually feel trapped. I thrive on challenge, I thrive on being pushed, I actually enjoy being taxed to find solutions and I like the idea of being a career woman - I just always lacked the confidence in my ability to do so. Don't get me wrong, if we do have kids I'd like to work part-time for a while, but would like to have a career I can return to, you know? And I think it's high time I faced my fears - after all before I went to uni I couldn't even go to the local shop on my own and look at me now!! I can do this, it's just gonna be out of my comfort zone for a while...


I'm not rushing into work - I'm applying for a couple of roles at the university - one of which is based in the international office and one is in fundraising - two things I have a real passion for. I like the thought of dressing well for work (instead of in a polo shirt that gets filthy within 2 hours of being at work lol), I like the thought of coming home and having the money to make my home my own without having to scrimp and save (although we've done well so far each decision has had to be carefully made, I'd like once in a while to be able to just do it - to even afford to travel abroad when I have holiday time and not just stay at home because we don't have the money!) And more than anything, I want to be able to stop worrying about money and give T the option to move out of the hole he is in and retrain in something else.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason - I know my experiences the past couple of years have made me realise how much I do actually enjoy being stretched mentally. I have no doubt that T's health issues are occuring because we both refused to get him out of a role that was killing him inside but which neither of us could make the decision to get him out. His physical discomfort is so bad right now that it is pushing me to push myself and forcing him to think of his own happiness as well as mine. It's a challenge - and it scares us both - but we know in the end this will all work out.

I will continue posting about the flat and answer the tag Brenda sent me over the weekend - but for now I gotta dash!

The bedroom

Thanks for the lovely comments left after the last post - here for your viewing pleasure is the next room (typed up as I sit on my sofa, struggling to breathe through the rotten chesty cough and not puke from the stomach bug I pick up from work *sigh*)
That's the view of our room from the corner where our built-in cupboard and wooden and cloth combination wardrobe and drawers stand guard over the storage heater we no longer want to see!! The door to the room is to the right of the picture (you can see my coat and bag hanging on it!) You might not be able to tell but our bed is literally a mattress on the floor still - I joke to T about it but truly I am so used to it I think sleeping in a proper bed would be weird!

The cabinets you see were put up the night before I took this picture and I spent that morning tying to fit books and things in whilst keeping it looking like a nice display - I truly think every bit of furniture can become a part of the whole display if you are careful. The table is the third one of the set we bought and as it was a much darker wood than our cheaply bought cabinets I covered it in a beautifully hand-embroidered tablecloth my Grandma got from someone she once knew.

Said tablecloth -sorry about the fuzziness of the picture, remember that they were taken on a mobile phone!! Once I get my new camera I will take some closer shots to show how beautiful the embroidery is! The flowers were from T and the candle holder, my gift from his sister and family. There is a little lavender sachet I made in the centre of the table, made with the lavender I won in a giveaway from Ragged Roses last year!

Here's our Reiki table (on top of the bookcase). It now has a chinese bamboo on it as well, which we bought after I took the pictures. The crystals are T's chakra set and the picture one I made for him last year for his birthday with the Japanese symbols for Reiki and the lyrics from a song, rewording the Reiki principles. There's also my little faery trinket box to finish it off and watch over the proceedings with care and attention. Please don't ask me what the long metal thing on the left is though, it belongs to T and I have no idea what it is myself but it looked right there so that is where I left it lol!

This is my version of a bedside table - hehe! My trusty notebook and pen always by my side to jot things down in (you wouldn't believe how many noepads I have lying around the place!) I've also got the latest copy of Country Living that my parents brought dow for me (I really must change the delivery address) and a book I bought because I adored The Nanny Diaries by the same authors. I haven't enjoyed Citizen Girl so much, maybe because I know the world of childcare and could laugh along with the main character of the previous book, but the world of high-flying city feminist workers is not one I can relate to... hmmmm. Anyway I finished the book last night so I need to find a new one to adorn my little bedside shelf.

And whilst I'm in the bedroom I thought I would take a moment to show you my sweetheart's fantastic craft skills. This is the box he painstakingly printed out, cut and stuck (with superglue that melted his bedsheet lol) all by himself so that I would have a lovely first Valentine's Day gift from him. Each rose is delicately folded - I have no idea how he managed it withou going crazy!! And inside...

nestled on a bed of scented fabric rose petals was a gorgeous pearl and red swarovski crystal neckalce his mum made to go with the pearl and silver bead bracelet that was my Christmas present from him. I can tell you I have never been more spoiled in all my life! I'm gonna treasure this box and necklace for the rest of my days.

Incidentally, T's mum and sister are making a lot of necklaces and looking to start their own business in future, so keep your eyes and ears peeled ;o)

I'm off to get another drink and try to flush this bug or whatever it is through my system - take care and speak soon!

Amanda xx

At last

I finally have some pictures of the flat I can share with you. My parents came down this weekend and we had a wonderful meal with them on Saturday (our first go at hosting a meal!) They brought another load of my "stuff" with them, which warranted a trip to Argos on Sunday to get some new cupboards for the bedroom (no bed yet though). We are extremely lucky in that our flat has access to loft space, so most of my books have been stored in boxes up there, as have the spare chairs and suitcases etc.

I discovered I could take some halfway decent photos with T's phone (though not perfect, I'm afraid!), so that is what I did. I spent half of Sunday and half of Monday sorting through boxes of books, clothes and crystals, deciding what to keep and what to donate to charity etc. Then I had the best fun making it look "right" by placing books and things in various places until it all seemed to fit. I have many photos, so thought I would do one room per blog post - so here goes...

The Living Room


So this is the fireplace (which we bought) to add a focal point to our living room. The room is a funny shape with 5 walls and what looks like a chimney wall but in actual fact isn't one at all. We chose to put the tv and bookcase near the chimney wall and create a new focal point on the side wall. The new fire (free-standing and electric powered) is also a great way for us to avoid using the dreaded storage heaters. In fact, we found that all the storage heaters were suitable for was to display other things, as shown below...


That's our manifestation collage, the one I wrote about early this year - we love looking at it and realising just how much we have already manifested and thought it was appropriate to display it, like so!


This is our sofa (can you see how it all fits in? I purposefully took overlapping pictures to give a better view of the room. The sofa stands between the rocking chair and fire and the manifestation collage). We got our sofa (and cushions and throw) for free off gumtree. The man who gave it to us was very generous and the sofa is in wonderful condition and extremely comfortable to curl up on. The coffee table and end table came from eBay - another great find. The wood is solid and a beautiful colour and we only paid about £30 for 3 tables (the third one is in the bedroom). The go perfectly with the rocking chair T picked up for £10!!

This is the view of the room I get when I sit down on our sofa. You can't really see the picture above the tv very well so I will tell you that it is the most beautiful picture of a lighthouse and seashore I have ever seen! T and I saw it in the window of a charity shop just minutes after signing the contract for the flat and had to buy it. It cost us all of £15!! Seriously, I don't know how we managed to fit our flat out with such beautiful furniture and decorations for such good money but I am very grateful to the star that has been shining on us these past few weeks/months!

Our bookcase is jam-packed (although I refused to let T put two layers of books on each shelf which would have meant a lot of our books wouldn't now be stored in the loft! I just think bookcases should be used to display books, not hide them, so I put my foot down on that one!!) But T, bless him, graciously let me get on with doing the girlie, homely thing and then contributed by putting boxes in the loft and then dusting the tables for me :o) I hasten to add, having looked at this picture again, that T is wearing an orange belt - he is NOT flashing his bum!!

Isn't he a good one?! He then also proceeded to give the Tulips some Reiki, as neither of us had thought to check the water level for a couple of days and the poor darlings were beginning to wilt. I am pleased to say that all but one are now standing tall and proud once more, thanks to his gentle care!!

We were overloaded with flowers this weekend, as T bought me some as a surprise on Friday and I used both of the vases we own to split the bunch between the living room and the kitchen. Then my mum arrived with two lots of flowers from her garden and my Aunty came round with the tulips so I had to resort to using tall drinking glasses to store them in!! I'm going to use my next half-day off work scouring the charity shops for some new vases hehe.

Our flat doesn't know what has hit her this weekend, as she is almost free of boxes for the first time ever (we have a couple more to sort through hidden carefully behind the sofa *blushes*) so she is feeling very big indeed today! She is also full of joy at all the flowers, houseplants we bought today and the window boxes that we brought home last weekend for my birthday. Did I mention that our flat has window boxes running round the whole of the outside wall?? Did I also mention that when we moved in we had a nest with some baby turtle doves in one corner of said window boxes?? What a surprise I got the first day I was here when two turtle doves suddenly peered in the window at me - hehe! We saw the fluffy chicks grow into true adults, and now they have left the nest we are able to fill the boxes again!

As a final treat, I thought I'd show you a picture of my very favourite birthday card this year - the one beautifully decorated by T's niece (16/17 months of age) and his sister! Isn't it just adorable??

Thanks

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to all of you who sent me birthday wishes and/or left such kind and wise words after my last post. I feel very blessed to have such support to remind me to step back and realise a) what I have b) how far I've come and c) remember that just as when I was as depressed and stressed as T is now, I can no more help him than anybody could help me other thank offering an open ear and arms to curl up in. So thank you for that!

I am still concerned and feeling so sorry for him - I feel helpless to help him and I hate that feeling, but I know that only he can make the change to help himself, all I can do is support him as best I can. It breaks my heart to see him suffer so, but I see progress in his thinking - moving towards doing what he feels he needs to rather than what he's been told by others he has to do - so that is good!

I have my half day off work this morning so I am taking some time to relax before going to meet my Aunty for coffee. My parents are coming up on Saturday with the rest of my stuff, so we can finally get the flat sorted. I promise I will have photos of it soon - I got some money for my birthday which I am going to use to buy a new camera!! I have so missed having one since mine died about a year ago, but I just haven't been able to afford a new one until now. I am looking forward to getting more photos on this blog, as well as just enjoying the entire process of snapping things and capturing the beauty around me, especially at this time of year!

I have several projects I would love to take the time to start, and I really must start making time - but at present work is just tiring me out. We are understaffed a bit at the moment and nobody seems to know where I am going to be based, so I am put wherever I'm needed at the moment. This is fine, but it is always nice to have a room and children you are based with, plus it means at the moment I am placed in busy rooms, so I rarely get a quiet day (except last Friday when I had time to go through all the toys, clothes and art supplies in our quiet room and rearrange the whole area!! I have to say that was a relief to get it all clear!)

I have behaviour management next week at our other nursery, which will be good but it will also mean a long week - at least I have Monday off! I'm also supposed to be having my Tiny Talk exam today, so I hope she comes this afternoon, otherwise I will miss it and that will be a real pain! Still, it's not my fault if my nursery plans my half day off when they know the examiner is coming, I'm not going to miss a precious few hours when they can reschedule if they have to - I mean I often do more than my contracted 41 hours anyway so I'm not going to do more than I have to (especially as I don't get any holiday for 6 months!!)

Right, well this is a rambling post if ever I saw one, so I am now going to ramble off and get ready to see my Aunty. Have a lovely day, all. xx

Where did this week go?

I can't believe it's almost a week since I posted - it feels like it was only yesterday that I posted, and yet this week has been unbelievably taxing on me and I have also heard so much good news that it seems like it should feel like a lieftime. But it doesn't.

Work this week has been pretty hellish. I kid you not. By Wednesday I was actually thinking "what the f*** am I doing in this place, I could be working somewhere calmer and for far more money". Now you've all heard how much I adore children and working with them - I've even gone against the advice of most the people I know and love to come back into childcare, so it has to be bad for me to think that! I suppose it doesn't help that I know T is so unhappy with his work and would love to train in something else, but because my work doesn't pay enough to support us both he needs a fairly decently paid job. If it weren't for his wage we'd not be able to live together - end of. Our plan is to start sending him to some evening or weekend classes so he can investigate what he'd like to move into and then as I become more qualified and move up the ladder I can hopefully find myself in a better paid job and he can cut his hours to move into something he wants to do, just as I have done.

The only thing is I cannot help but worry I am wasting time. In essence, the perfect solution would be for me to be in a better paid job now so that he could retrain and work his way up to a good wage in another role in the next few years so that if and when we decide to have a family I don't have to work all hours like I do now. This is where my dilemma lies - I adore my job (usually) and I am confident in what I do. If I went into a higher paid job I would be more stressed and I don't want to return to that level of anxiety and consequent illness caused by stress. But at the same time, why should I expect T to work in a job he dislikes so much and has so little confidence in his ability to do it (despite having been in the trade for 10 years) that he worries constantly about it. I keep thinking about it and wondering what to do. Basically my work at the moment is perfect as it brings in money and the training opportunities are fantastic (I think I'm even down to do SENCO training this year!!) which will stand me in great stead for better positions in the future, perhaps even better for me than management roles.

In my head I know that logically this job is going to lead into a lot of better things for the both of us, and in my heart I believe it was set up for me by something outside of myself because it all happened so perfectly (getting the job I mean - it came at the perfect time and in the perfect area and then we found a perfect flat in the best place for us). But there is also that part of my heart that cannot help but hurt when I know I *could* be doing more to help T now rather than in a couple of years time.

My thoughts this week weren't helped by the fact I had a stinking cold and after the past few heavy work weeks I was so tired I ran out of energy on Wednesday and walking to and from work, up and down stairs carrying babies and running round after toddlers was more demanding than I could cope with, yet I found the energy from somewhere (own up, who felt a sudden leech attach to their energy supply?! It was probably you I was stealing it from hehe). We also had the worst Sunday (my only day off last week) ever, although I cannot tell you details without T's explicit permission. Needless to say, my last post about crying came about mostly because of how much I cried last Sunday - not the best start to a week like this one has been.

However, this week has been littered with such fantastic news from elsewhere I cannot help but be awed by the beauty of life still. First off, I heard news that my sister's friend had a healthy baby girl :o) I've known her friend for years, having taken her on our family holidays with us when I was a pre-teen and then working with her last summer (she's a primary school teacher). I am so pleased to hear her news and cannot wait to go home and maybe see the baby girl. This reminds me that I need to get cracking on making something for the baby shower of one of my old school girlfriends - she is expecting this summer and I am so excited for her too. We're still planning the weekend of the shower and how I'm going to get home for it. Then I found out today that one of my university girlfriends is now expecting!! Now when I say university girlfriend I mean someone I spent 3 weeks living with in Russia, which is a bonding experience like no other (lol) and then lived with for a year (our final, most stressful year) in which she also married and set up her emigration to Canada! She is very dear to my heart and if you'd like to pop over to the blog she just started and wish her well I'm sure she'd appreciate it!

It's now the weekend and my first full weekend off for ages - I am going to slob and catch up on everyone's news - yay! The nursery asked me to work the creche this Sunday but I said no - first of all I need this time if not just for me but for T as well. Secondly, it's my birthday on Monday and if I have to work then I certainly am not working the Sunday before it lol. Talking of the creche, I noticed something on the rotas which might mean a complete change to my work patterns in coming weeks - so you may be hearing more news about work pretty soon!

But for now I am going to go have the bath that T has run *sighs blissfully*. Have a lovely weekend xx