Wednesday, 28 February 2007

What's it all about..?

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this on here, I think I may have, but for a few years now I have been trying to figure out my faith and how it all fits in...

As a child I attended a school with a fairly strong Christian slant but as this was my only real contact with religion I simply accepted that God was in Heaven and occasionally prayed to him and that was that. As I grew I yearned for a deeper relationship with God and for some reason waited for it to come to me rather than looking for it myself.

When I was in my final year at school my friend invited me to become a member of her church choir and I jumped at the chance - but a very rocky road lay ahead for me. I was so wrapped up in my depression and lack of self-confidence (which I still wonder at) left me fearing church and at the same time needing to be there to show myself I could do it. At one point I considered leaving but I felt such warmth being sat in the choir stalls next to the altar that I couldn't bring myself to leave. Eventually it all got far too much for me (and my friend) and I left and we had a MAJOR argument and that was that - I didn't return...

When I started uni I joined the Christian Union and began attending church again and CU meetings - but I felt out of my depth as everyone was so strong in their faith and the CU was VERY evangelistic and it actually scared me!

And then one day something was said at a meeting which didn't feel right to me and completely ridiculed something I held a deep belief in and I was so hurt I left completely. It was a really rocky road for me...

Eventually I found a support system outside of the church and began to develop my own relationship with God - yet it wasn't pure because I couldn't accept a figure of God with the anger I felt and my inability to comprehend what it was all about... I fought so hard...

I then spent 3 months working for and living with the Salvation Army in Germany and I loved the sense of community but still felt outside... I couldn't accept what these people I loved and respected deeply were putting forward

I miss that community and on many occasions wished I could just let go and accept it - but it just didn't resonate with me...

The other evening I had a breakthrough of sorts - the things I have been trying to understand for so long were suddenly much simpler by looking at it from a different angle...

I wouldn't say I am a Christian because for me it's all or nothing and I am certainly not able to give all - but I am beginning to see connections I never saw before and I have to say I've had an extra bounce to my step the past couple of days...

But it leaves me wondering what its all about and how it all ties in and where I stand - do I really need to define my faith? I have spent the past 4 or 5 years of my life trying ver hard not to do this - but it just leaves it so open-ended and difficult sometimes...

Sorry this is a rather rambling post - but that's me isn't it lol!!

I'm thinking I might go to the local Salvation Army corps this weekend and I shall certainly be contacting my friend (whose parents are officers) to discuss this further - now that I feel ready to chat with her about it again. I'm actually currently reading The Jesus I never knew that she sent me a year and a half ago when we last discussed these kinds of things... I've actually made it past the first chapter, which is an improvement on last time!

It's strange because I am very open to my own spiritual path but I just keep being pulled back to Christianity to try and review it - something within it won't let me go and I don't think I want to be let go of... yet I don't want to lose my sense of belief which lies outside of conventional Christian teaching. I guess that is what I am trying to do - find out how it all ties in...

Sunday, 25 February 2007

Never let it be said...

that I can't admit when I was wrong!

I was talking to my mum the other day about leaving the nursery 'cos of the poor pay and the constant sickness and she just said "well we knew that would happen when you started!" Yes that pissed me off big time - I really hate "I told you so"s but it's true - they DID tell me that and what was my response? "I don't mind!" LOL

Course I didn't then - I had to go into that position to realise that I DID mind! And I also had to learn to admit that deep down I want and value money, security and the right to treat myself once in a while above making a child's life better *gasp* how awful do I feel?? But it's true - there is plenty of time in my life to put children first - right now I want to put me first - whilst I have the chance! Lesson number 1 - and place I was wrong number 1

Lesson 2? That Cambridge isn't perfect!

I loved Cambridge because it was my haven. My Aunt was here and I could chill here. Deep down I knew it was because I came here to get away from it all - but did I listen to myself and others? Nope! I thought all would be better here! Course things are better here but that is because *I* have changed and not because I am here! I hardly ever see my Aunt even though she lives just round the corner from me and I have no real friends here. I also feel completely out of place and all my favourite shops do not seem to exist in posh Cambridge city. I am so very unposh you wouldn't believe lol

I also thought that working in care was what I wanted to do - but nope I don't want to look for care work anymore. Funny that cos I do enjoy it but doing it full time is just too exhausting and there are just not enough chances to move up in the world... that's another thing... I thought I wanted easy-peasy job and sure that's nice and all but god is it boring sometimes - I find myself spending my evenings trying to get a "mental-fix".

So this weekend I have also applied for a summer job working in the tourist office in Winchester - an ancient town in Southern England. This is a place I have considered moving to because a) I have a friend there so wouldn't be completely alone cos that would just be too scary and b) it is closer to Somerset and that awesome place called Glastonbury (and by closer I mean a short train journey away!!)

I feel funny moving yet again - I don't seem to stay in one place longer than 3 months anymore - and here was me thinking I wanted stability - but you know what?I was wrong there as well - I get bored so easily!! I think until I find the right job I'm gonna be taking advantage of this freedom to move and explore. No ties, right?! Cool!!

Boy am I different to what I thought I was *shakes head in disbelief* it's weird when you realise you don't know yourself, isn't it?!

Oh and before I forget I also sent speculative letters to all the touristy places in Winchester and applied for a County Council job there as a Communications Officer - perfect for my languages and love of writing - and it pays twice as much as I currently earn!! For once I am trying not to sell myself short and actually just sell myself! Wish me luck!

Saturday, 24 February 2007

Post number 50 - whooo!

And I'm starting to wonder if during my absence even my few readers have deserted me and if the multiple posts of late will all fall into oblivion... ah well... que sera and all that!

I've just sent off my cv and a speculative cover letter to this company. That's it - I've made the final decision to really go for it now. I know, I know it took me far too long to make that decision - and I knew I had to make it - but sometimes making the decision is the hardest step, don't you think?

Anyways, I'm looking for work that still has a child care and development slant but is less care orientated (which is terribly low-paid and very demanding) towards something perhaps more office or research based which is usually better paid and more secure with more chances of progression.

So wish me luck with my new job hunt. I've stated in my letter that I would be willing to relocate for the right job - so it could mean I may be moving again - SO much upheaval - but then again it's not like I've got lots of friends and contacts here to say goodbye to - better to move for a good job now than stay in a crappy job for ages just to feel some sense of "settled"!

Friday, 23 February 2007

a non-post

Cos I just deleted what I posted as it wasn't relevant anymore and then realised I had to leave something here otherwise my "50th post" would not be my 50th post at all lol

Thursday, 22 February 2007


Here's a little story I wrote a couple of weeks back based on the picture above which was drawn by Brian Froud. I love Brian Froud's work - it is just so magical and I find I can look at a picture of his and just know what each Faery's personality is like. I'd love to continue writing stories based on his work - so let me know if you like this one or not.


Katie watched as Indi passed by, muttering to himself about bananas and apple pie. He walked erratically, changing his step and tempo, as if waltzing to first a foxtrot and then a tango – never quite getting the dance right. He would stop and bend his head in frustration, muttering deeply and shaking his head as if trying to shake out his thoughts. Then he would suddenly jump as if someone had lit a firecracker under his bottom and fast as lightning he would scarper further along the track, only to turn around in confusion as if he had lost his way. Looking for all the world like he had no idea where he was going or what he was doing, Indi spun around in a wide, uneven circle, head turning, trying to look in every direction at once. It was exhausting to watch, not to mention how dizzy it made Katie feel.

“What is wrong with him?” she asked her companions. “Shouldn’t somebody go and help him?”

“Help Indi?!” cried the rabbit, “why nobody can help Indi. Even if you try and help he can never decide whether you are telling him the truth or not. He’s not very good at making decisions, is our Indi!”

“But why?” asked Katie, concern etched upon her face.

“At the dawn of time Indi was given the task of helping those who had decisions to make. At first he was very good at it. Always stepping in and showing people both sides of the situation and letting them make up their minds. But as time went on people became far more indecisive and poor old Indi became bogged down in even trivial decisions – like should he wear his ivy slippers or the oak ones? Poor old Indi – he cannot help it. As long as there are indecisive people in this world, he will be as confused as ever!”

“How awful!” cried Katie, tears welling in her eyes. “But surely there is something we can do!”

“Of course there is,” replied the toad who had until now quietly watched Indi wander from tree to tree and rock to rock in search of an answer. “You can make sure that you are more decisive. Don’t let the little things bring you down – save the drama for the big things. And even then make a decision and stick to it. The more people who live like that, the better it will be for Indi.”

“Excuse me, oh I am sorry, you look busy I shouldn’t bother you, oh but I must, mustn’t I?” this was Indi who had staggered over to the group in order to ask them a question. “Oh really I must…”he muttered to himself

“Indi, please, what is it?” asked Katie, placing her arms around him and making him sit down beside her.

“It really is very important, I just cannot decide what to do, you can help me can’t you?” he looked at her, his eyes begging.

“Of course, what is it, friend?”

“Friend, she called me friend” he giggled, blushing furiously, “ahem… where was I? oh yes, it really is important you know. Yes of course you do. But wait, it might not be important to you at all… oh what should I do…” he wailed

“Indi! Just say it!” Katie said, hugging him tight

“Oh,” he sighed – as if he didn’t quite know what to make of her affection, “Do you know what I should have for tea – bananas or apple pie?!”

Quick catch up

Ok so here's what's basically happened in my absence:

I have been pushing my nursery for a pay-rise. My UC has told me that she'll fight for it for me as she doesn't want to lose me but 3 times I've asked her now and it's always (I'm waiting to hear back from...) so I'm currently looking into other jobs. I hate to think of leaving the nursery - especially as they are making loads of changes for the better now and I have less issues with the standards of care. We've had loads of people come in and have been working with a girl who has worked for our company for 6-7 years now and she is appalled at the state of our nursery and how we all think it is the company that is to blame. Apparently a lot of the problems and weirdo rules have actually just been created by our particular nursery - so we now have tons of equipment on order, a housekeeper, more staff etc But still, without the money, I can't afford to work there- especially as this month I'll be 3 days down in pay due to this flu I have. So I am looking for other work and once I find something I shall hand in my notice - who knows they may up my pay when they know I'm serious - apparently they have done that before when people hand in their notice. But I can't take that risk without having somewhere to go to. I'm currently looking into teaching English as a foreign language as I have my language degree and Cambridge is a major centre of international language learning.

I've sold a few items on eBay :o) One customer has even returned for more!! Whoooo!! That is very exciting!

My room is an absolute tip again *sigh*... one day I will be a tidy person lol

One of the parents at nursery started to teach me some Spanish - and as rolling your rs is incredibly important in Spanish I felt the need to finally crack this skill. The Russians roll their rs too (and some Germans) but it is not crucial to understanding as it is in Spanish. In Spanish you roll a double r making pero (but) distinguishable from perro (dog) for example. So I looked up tutorials online and spent the whole evening the other day trying to crack it - I sounded like a fool and was glad neither of my housemates were around lol. But suddenly I did it!! Not for very long but I did do it!! Which gives me hope that with some practise I will finally crack it! You have no idea how much this pleases me as I have been trying to roll my rs since I was a child and had become convinced I was lacking some vital aspect which allowed a person to do so! Even my tutors at uni couldn't teach me how to do it.

I met another guy online and we met up for a drink the other day. He was very sweet and is into Buddhism so we had an interesting chat. We may meet up again and we may not - it doesn't matter to me either way - it was just nice to get out for once... I'm still trying to make friends around here.

I had a huge argument with an old friend the other day based upon trust. I had trusted him with some really important stuff - things I have kept inside for years - and he completely used that information in a way I felt was entirely inappropriate and betrayed my trust. This was a turning point for me, though, as until very recently I'd have let myself be walked all over and just let it slide - deciding to turn around and tell him how much it hurt and how wrong his actions were, imo, was terrifying but also incredibly liberating... I was finally able to show a vulnerable side of myself but remain strong and aware.

I found out my Great-Aunty has Pancreatitis and it is looking very much like she is not long for this world. This saddens me because I haven't seen her since before I started uni and haven't spoken to her on the phone since my second year - although I have sent her birthday/Christmas cards and kept up-to-date with her news via other family members. It just brought home again how far I am away from my family - well it's not really that far but I can't just pop home for the evening. It is making me realise that I did need to leave home and I am happy where I am - but there are, as in most things, advantages and disadvantages. Makes me appreciate the incredible sacrifice my friend made to emigrate to Canada to be with her husband and possibly not see her parents much ever again and other people I know how move around lots. Don't get me wrong - I know my situation is nothing compared to theirs - but it makes me think of them...

The staff at the hospital canteen have started automatically giving me staff discount, even though I don't work IN the hospital or FOR the NHS. Bless them! They also greet me everyday and ask how I am. It's nice to be recognised sometimes :o)

I think that's it...

Celtic Reiki

Ok I shall try and be as lucid as possible - but have currently got the flu and until about 8am this morning was having fever-induced weirdo dreams... I kid you not! At one point I dreamt I went to the doctors and my whole year from school were in the waiting room and then the nurse took me for a consultation in the toilet where she proceeded to go for a pee *hmmmmmm* oh and I also shouted at Death that I *was* gonna eat something so bugger off will ya... I always seem to get fevers when I'm ill and boy do I have some amusing stories to tell related to what I have done throughout them...

But anyway - on the the post which I hope will make sense.

Chas, you asked, what Celtic Reiki is - here's my answer:

Reiki is a form of energy healing whereby the reiki practitioner channels the universal energy through their body (and chakras) and out through their hands to the person who has requested healing. The chakras are energy points within our bodies which can become clogged up when we are ill or stressed and when they are moving freely the energy moves freely through our bodies helping us to have a more balanced system. The 7 main chakras run up the spine from base (our tail bone) which is red, the sacral chakra (around our womb area) which is orange, our solar plexus (the tummy) which is yellow, the heart (you guessed it - the heart area) which is green, ou throat chakra (yup the throat area) which is turquoise, the third eye (between our two eyebrows and very slightly raised towards our brow area) which is purple and our crown chakra (above our crown) which is white. There are of course different interpretations of the exact colours of these chakras but these are the ones I subscribe to.

So Reiki is a form of energy healing and the practitioner can heal either hands on or via distance - it is all a case of manifestation. If the person requesting the reiki is sat/laid before the practitioner, the practitioner simply lays their hands over various parts of the recipient or over them but not touching. This all happens fully clothed and depending on the practitioner and form of reiki given can last anything between a few minutes to an hour. The practitioner can also send the intention that the healing be sent to someone a great distance away by asking for it to reach the recipient. As this is universal energy it is everywhere and can easily, imho, do that.

There are many different forms of Reiki available now - around 250 I think - and the one I choose to use is Celtic Reiki as this utilises the energies of the trees and I have always felt a great affinity to the trees of our world. When I first came across Reiki I was quite dubious about it and wasn't very open to the chance that it may work. But through the years I became more attuned to the idea and began to first receive reiki from friends and then eventually became a practitioner myself. But it has still taken me a long time to be open enough to share this part of my life with people outside my close friends (and even sometimes I have kept it away from them too) because I have spent so much of my life trying to be what everyone expects me to be and my own fears made me think this wouldn'tbe accepted - which I now realise was a gross underestimation and misdeed to people - because I wasn't willing to trust them enough to share this information with and make their own choices about it.

So, I hope that this has made some kind of sense - if not let me know and I'll try again lol. And take what you will from it - it may be your cup of tea or it may not.

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

I'm back...

and boy have I missed you guys!

I'm gonna get round to answering your question Chas - and don't feel lame - 'twas my fault for not thinking to explain myself - I try to cut corners everywhere sometimes *doh*

I've also been doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching which I shall post about later. But for now I just wanted to say "HI!" and "Missed you all!"

Sunday, 11 February 2007

Little break

I'm taking a little break from the world of Blogger - a couple of weeks to sort myself out.

I feel I have been splitting myself in far too many directions recently and although I am really happy about the changes I am making in my life, I cannot give enough energy to them as I would like whilst carrying on with everything else. So this little break is giving me the chance to focus upon getting my Celtic Reiki blog up and running, giving my shop the best possible start and giving myself sometime to meditate and relax and heal.

I've closed down my LJ account where I kept up with old uni friends and directed them here *hello - waves*.I've also shut down my two writing blogs. I need to focus my energy into the Celtic Reiki one as this is the direction I wish to go in. My writing will continue, just in a more private way for the time being. But it will be back and bigger and better than before sometime in the future - I know it will!!

I'm also thinking of taking a break (once I've spoken to the owner of the board) from the forum I admin for. Not just as admin but from the board itself - just a couple of weeks to focus on the other bits.

I feel sad and slightly bad about this because I have always been the one to be there day and night for others - but right now I feel the need to be there for me and do what I need to in order to realise my dreams and still have enough energy and vitality to enjoy them when I get there!

So, I shall miss you terribly and think of you lots my dear chickadees - but I shall certainly have a lot to read when I come back, won't I!!!

Friday, 9 February 2007


It snowed here yesterday. We had heard weather forecasts predicting about 7 inches - um yeah like I believed that - and it had been so cold this week that it made the inside of your nose hurt like hell when you stepped out into the cold, but when I looked out the window at 6am there was nothing there. Oh well, I thought.

But when I opened the door to go out at 7:30 there was a blanket of snow on the floor and it was continuing to fall - omg - how exciting. We don't get much snow in England and when we do it rarely settles so two things happen: 1) Everything comes to s standstill - trains, buses, schools close etc etc because we are ill equiped to deal with it and 2) Everybody goes mad with excitement and will make the most of it. When I came back from spending 3 months in Russia I found the snowfall we sometimes get in England very disappointing. In a way having snow every single day for that long ruined it for me - nothing would be so magical again... but yesterday I began to feel a sense of excitement creeping back in - maybe time has made it more enchanting.

I have to say that it was perfectly timed, as in the past week or so I have been incredibly nostalgic for all things Russian and Russia. This is crazy because I have never really been that fond of the language and culture. Don't get me wrong - I appreciated the language and found living in the country an amazing experience, but it never had a place in my heart. What you need to understand is that I didn't choose Russian, it was an option I had to take to get into University. I didn't choose University, it was an option I felt I had to take because I didn't know otherwise. And I struggled so much during the year leading up to University and the 4 years I was there.

I dreaded leaving home for years before I did and when, on my first day, I had to register into my halls of residence, I hid timidly behind my dad. My parents knew that that experience would "either make or break me" and every time I called home they expected to have to come and collect me. And the beginnings of my University life were a real struggle. It took me a good couple of months to really make friends and if it wasn't for having a really intensive course with mounds of work to do (learning Russian from scratch and trying to get to A Level standard in a year was a lot of work!) I don't know how I would have coped. As it was I really began to struggle healthwise and my only choice was to keep moving forwards.

I know look back on that year with tender fondness - it was the year I began my life as an independent and capable adult. It is the year I truly began to see how strong and resilient I was. It was the year I first discovered romance - however disastruous that one turned out. It was the year I went began a major spiritual crisis, which would continue cause me to hide parts of myself from the world for fear of rejection. It was the year everything changed for me...

Within all this I was learning so much Russian and my improvement was easy to see. I was far from a confident learner but I did know deep within myself that I could do it. My second year was a blessing and a curse - I went through a nightmare to come out into feeling more at peace with my beliefs - and my language teaching and learning went downhill completely. Followed by an eight month period of pretty much no Russian I found myself living with a Russian lady who spoek no English whatsoever and whose personality I clashed with on a major scale.

Russia, then, for me, was an absolute nightmare. I, once again, became that timid little girl, hiding herself in her room and letting everybody else talk for her when out and about. I worked so hard to get my language level up to scratch but I constantly felt it was lacking. I hated that I had become that person again and I hated that I was so far out of my comfort zone that I had to face the fact that my self-esteem and self-worth were so low I would try to please everybody and change myself to fit in with their needs. My landlady was an incredible teacher for me - showing me my faults, but man was that a tough time.

And so, although I appreciated the language and really wished I could appreciate living in that amazing culture for 3 months, I seriously couldn't. And by the time I reached my final year at university my confidence in my language was so low I don't think anybody truly believedhow little I believed in myself. And I began to hate Russian.

So, for me to suddenly feel a desire to listen to Russian and its melodic pronunciation and see those fairy-tale churches in the snow is a pretty unexpected event. Something within me must have shifted. Somewhere I must have found peace with my past - I know I have been working on a lot of things lately and have come to peace with a lot of my issues but I hadn't realised this was one of them - and it just happened in a split second - just like that!

So yesterday's snow, though exciting in its own way - held something fairly special to me yesterday :o)

Tuesday, 6 February 2007

Do the Happy Dance!!

First of all thank you so much to all the wonderful comments you guys have left on my blog! It's lovely to see that despite all my ramblings people still come back to read what is going on in my life and that despite feeling like a moanfest sometimes there is something good in my posts somewhere hehe

So - are you doing the Happy Dance? I sure am!! I have had the best day EVER!!!

I spoke to my unit co-ordinator today and told her that I couldn't afford to work there. I told her I didn't want to leave but I was thinking I'd have to because of my financial situation. And guess what she said?? Go on, guess...

She said "To be honest I don't want to lose you either, because you are a very strong worker in that unit. You are responsible, organised, hard working and reliable - you turn up to work!! I'll speak to .... (people higher up) and see what we can do to help you out. I can't promise you a pay rise but if we can manage it we will look into it. We can also look into different working hours to help you out and even if you can't get a payrise now, appraisals are coming up in April and you have shown you are a good worker!"

Too right!!

So I am waiting to see what happens... who knows, maybe we can work this one out...

Also - our shop is up and running and you can visit it here. And guess what?? I had listed a Celtic Reiki Distance Healing Session complete with one card Tree Angel Oracle reading and it sold today!! Two days after listing!! And I have already done it - I did it 8-9pm this evening!!

Now can you see why I am dancing??

Oh and also - the Celtic Reiki Blog I was asked to write has just been launched but I have yet to get it started so once there are a few posts I will be officially launching that too... my what a lot ofjoyous things are happening in my life right now :o)

Monday, 5 February 2007


Ok first of all something which I have become increasingly aware of over the past year or two is that I have a negative relationship to money. This is very closely tied in with my upbringing and although I appreciate the way my parents taught us to value money - it has also created a belief within myself that money is hard to earn and must be saved every step of the way...

So, of course, being paid to do something I love doing is a strange concept. And so I seem to have been blocking the flow of money into my life because I am doing things that I love to do. I am working damn hard but for some reason I still don't feel I deserve more money than I receive.

That being said - I am fully aware of how bad my financial situation is right now and I spent most of the weekend feeling awful about it - feeling everything going out of my control and feeling incredibly sad that this is the way it must be. That is until I decided at about 7pm last night that I could turn this around from an awful situation into one which provides me with opportunities to grow and move forward...

So, out of sheer need to earn some extra cash to keep me going for the time being I began listing some of my books on ebay. Previously I have simply given them away - but why not sell them? Already I have a bid on one of my books! It's not gonna bring me lots of cash but it will bring me both that added little extra I need to break even right now and it will clear space in my room which is still too cluttered even after my massive clear out! This is an opportunity to really release some of my old things...

As I was listing my books to be sold I decided it was high time I trusted my ability as a poet and artist and begin selling my poetry and pictures online - not wanting to blow my own trumpet here, but I make some really beautiful things and I don't see why I cannot sell my work - before I worried that because I enjoyed it so much and it came so naturally to me I shouldn't be charging for it - but then people made me realise that I would be charging for my time and that is all we ever really do at work...

So I opened a shop and found two other people I know to go into the venture with me - both for personal and commercial purposes! It all feels good...

But I am a realist - I know this isn't gonna happen overnight and I am still watching my finances. I am looking into ways to change my working pattern at work to allow me more time to perhaps do some tutoring in my free time to earn some extra cash. And if all else fails then I will know it is time for me to leave the nursery... and if that day comes I will be heartbroken - but I will know it is the right decision...

So I am keeping my options open and choosing to see this as a great learning opportunity rather than a disaster!

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Sunday, 4 February 2007

This could be a problem...

My finances have been playing on my mind for months - well years really - being a student taught me to be very careful with my money. But now I am working I had thought things would get better. Not so. Not only am I not making any money - I am actually losing money and getting into more debt rather than paying off my student debt... this is a MASSIVE problem...

It's shocking that I work my butt off and earn so little I cannot afford to live - and I am incredibly careful with my money. I even find myself feeling guilty for buying good quality food sometimes because I can't afford it... how wrong is that?

So now I am faced with a huge dilemna... do I leave the nursery or do I stay and end up having to get a second job (which I think is against my contract anyway). I really don't want to leave because however crappy the nursery is I love my babies far too much and their parents are lovely too and it would break my heart to leave them. I also don't want to have the upheaval of changing jobs yet again. But how can I afford to live when I can't afford to live - if that makes any sense at all??

Anyone who reads this and prays, please say a prayer for me that I may see the way to go forward. I feel lost right now - I have finally found somewhere where I am relatively happy and now money gets in the way.

Saturday, 3 February 2007

It's all starting to make sense...

Each day it seems like I understand a little bit more about where I have been, where I am now and where I am going to - and it feels as if all I have done in the past few years has been a massive preparation and shift to allow the beautiful realisation of many of my dreams to occur round about now :o)

Firstly pushing myself through university made me become very independent, created many opportunities for me to discover what I do like (care work, foreign languages, travelling, writing) and what I don't like (irregular hours of work, pressure to meet deadlines, academia). From this I can begin to create a reality which is right for me rather than doing what I think I should do.

Secondly, my work at the nursery is wonderful in so many ways - I am finally working with children and being in Cambridge means there are plenty of babies whose first language is not English so I get to hear their parents speaking in French, German, Spanish, Italian... I love it and if only I can build up the courage to go for it I could ask them to talk to me in their own language sometimes so I can improve my German and French skills and pick up some Spanish and Italian ones. I have dreamt for years of being multilingual but university made me feel that would never be possible. Coming out of academia and realising that actually I *am* good at languages but I prefer to have a wide range of skills rather than becoming perfect in one or two languages tops has made me realise that it is possible after all.

The nursery has also made me open my eyes to how daycare works in Britain and has made me passionate about someday working towards improving it in some way - no I don't have impossible dreams lol but I do feel that my work may take me into trying to add certain things to whee I work - like using my languages or my creativity somehow within it - or moving to work with disabled children more...

Somehow, someday (or over a period of years more likely) I will see how all this comes together perfectly, which I believe it is doing and will continue to do. And this makes me happy! I am not somebody who can devote herself completely to one project but has to have a foot in many different things - and I am sure something will turn up to allow me to do that...

The nursery itself had a big meeting the other day and they have promised us many more resources, more staff and much more which, provided they carry out their promises, will make our work easier and more enjoyable and in turn make it better for the babies and parents too. This gives me hope that things will pick up! They are also suggesting we do 4 long days rather than 5 normal days giving a better continuity of care throughout the day. This means the shifts would be either 6:45-5:30 or 7:30-6:15 VERY long days but something I am considering because a) a day off in the week would be helpful b) I travel for 2 hours per day and so never get much done in the evenings anyway - a full day off without travelling would give me time to get other things done.

They are also suggesting that perhaps we move up through the nursery with our keychildren - which means we get to see the children progress and get to know them really well and their parents and also gives us variety rather than seeing a child for 4 months and then getting a new one to have to get to know, understand etc... sounds like a pretty good idea to me!

All in all I have hope that they are finally realising what a state our nursery was in and are actually wanting to make some real changes. However it is gonna take some time and I don't know if I am being moved units in all the changes - but as my room leader handed in her notice yesterday I doubt they will move anyone from our unit because that only leaves 2 full time and a part time assistant for our unit. I have also told my room leader she needs to spend the next month showing me the ins and outs of the paperwork because without her we are going to be stuffed!!

So lots of change is happening but it all feels good so far and it is all starting to fall into place!

Thursday, 1 February 2007


Ok - first off - this is another moan-post so apologies and please skip it if you like!

I think I must have an infection... I never felt completely well after my conjunctivitis and now all my joints ache so much! I have hypermobility of the joints and whereas that caused me mega pain when I was a teenager I hardly notice it anymore. If my joints hurt it usually means either there is a marked change in the weather or I am ill :o(

They've been hurting for a few days - first a sharp stabbing pain in my knee, like it is going to collapse under me, when I walked down the stairs and then aching in my wrists. Yesterday at work it got worse, however. I had pins and needles in my hands (weird feeling that one was), I felt so weak I really stuggled to pick up babies I usually manage to swing about and hold high above my head and I feared my wrists or knees or ankles would give way and I'd fall or hurt one of them. Then someone mentioned I looked ill and about an hour later I actually began to feel very sick too. *sigh*. The worst part is that even though I feel like absolute crap today I still have to go into work because a) we're having a staff meeting after work which is crucial everybody attend (it is related to all the changes they are making within the nursery as a result of all the complaints - whoo hoo) and b) I can't afford the day off. Luckily the girl I work with told me that she'd make it an easy day for me - feeding bottles and filling in paperwork rather than cleaning tables and floors and changing tons of nappies...

I hate being ill/in pain - that's a silly thing to say, everybody hates it lol - but I hate it because it makes me grumpy. I like to be happy and calm and my workplace is often stressed and grumpy enough as it is. I lost my temper with a girl yesterday and I felt so bad - of course I lost it because she was failing to do her job properly repeatedly (she always does) but normally I would try tactfully talking to her - yesterday I just yelled at her. I really hate being a grump... thankfully someone at work told me my being a "grump" is most people's "normal" so perhaps I just get too worried about not being happy, nice and friendly Amanda...

I just hope today is a relatively easy day because I'm gonna be at work for probably 12 hours when you count the meeting and the nursery does not do letting you go home if you're sick... even if you're throwing up or have a swollen eye/face (like a girl did last week) it is not an option and yesterday I was told "don't say that" when I said I felt ill and "go have a little break" *sigh* I love my work but sometimes it really sucks...