Saturday, 26 April 2008

Where did this week go?

I can't believe it's almost a week since I posted - it feels like it was only yesterday that I posted, and yet this week has been unbelievably taxing on me and I have also heard so much good news that it seems like it should feel like a lieftime. But it doesn't.

Work this week has been pretty hellish. I kid you not. By Wednesday I was actually thinking "what the f*** am I doing in this place, I could be working somewhere calmer and for far more money". Now you've all heard how much I adore children and working with them - I've even gone against the advice of most the people I know and love to come back into childcare, so it has to be bad for me to think that! I suppose it doesn't help that I know T is so unhappy with his work and would love to train in something else, but because my work doesn't pay enough to support us both he needs a fairly decently paid job. If it weren't for his wage we'd not be able to live together - end of. Our plan is to start sending him to some evening or weekend classes so he can investigate what he'd like to move into and then as I become more qualified and move up the ladder I can hopefully find myself in a better paid job and he can cut his hours to move into something he wants to do, just as I have done.

The only thing is I cannot help but worry I am wasting time. In essence, the perfect solution would be for me to be in a better paid job now so that he could retrain and work his way up to a good wage in another role in the next few years so that if and when we decide to have a family I don't have to work all hours like I do now. This is where my dilemma lies - I adore my job (usually) and I am confident in what I do. If I went into a higher paid job I would be more stressed and I don't want to return to that level of anxiety and consequent illness caused by stress. But at the same time, why should I expect T to work in a job he dislikes so much and has so little confidence in his ability to do it (despite having been in the trade for 10 years) that he worries constantly about it. I keep thinking about it and wondering what to do. Basically my work at the moment is perfect as it brings in money and the training opportunities are fantastic (I think I'm even down to do SENCO training this year!!) which will stand me in great stead for better positions in the future, perhaps even better for me than management roles.

In my head I know that logically this job is going to lead into a lot of better things for the both of us, and in my heart I believe it was set up for me by something outside of myself because it all happened so perfectly (getting the job I mean - it came at the perfect time and in the perfect area and then we found a perfect flat in the best place for us). But there is also that part of my heart that cannot help but hurt when I know I *could* be doing more to help T now rather than in a couple of years time.

My thoughts this week weren't helped by the fact I had a stinking cold and after the past few heavy work weeks I was so tired I ran out of energy on Wednesday and walking to and from work, up and down stairs carrying babies and running round after toddlers was more demanding than I could cope with, yet I found the energy from somewhere (own up, who felt a sudden leech attach to their energy supply?! It was probably you I was stealing it from hehe). We also had the worst Sunday (my only day off last week) ever, although I cannot tell you details without T's explicit permission. Needless to say, my last post about crying came about mostly because of how much I cried last Sunday - not the best start to a week like this one has been.

However, this week has been littered with such fantastic news from elsewhere I cannot help but be awed by the beauty of life still. First off, I heard news that my sister's friend had a healthy baby girl :o) I've known her friend for years, having taken her on our family holidays with us when I was a pre-teen and then working with her last summer (she's a primary school teacher). I am so pleased to hear her news and cannot wait to go home and maybe see the baby girl. This reminds me that I need to get cracking on making something for the baby shower of one of my old school girlfriends - she is expecting this summer and I am so excited for her too. We're still planning the weekend of the shower and how I'm going to get home for it. Then I found out today that one of my university girlfriends is now expecting!! Now when I say university girlfriend I mean someone I spent 3 weeks living with in Russia, which is a bonding experience like no other (lol) and then lived with for a year (our final, most stressful year) in which she also married and set up her emigration to Canada! She is very dear to my heart and if you'd like to pop over to the blog she just started and wish her well I'm sure she'd appreciate it!

It's now the weekend and my first full weekend off for ages - I am going to slob and catch up on everyone's news - yay! The nursery asked me to work the creche this Sunday but I said no - first of all I need this time if not just for me but for T as well. Secondly, it's my birthday on Monday and if I have to work then I certainly am not working the Sunday before it lol. Talking of the creche, I noticed something on the rotas which might mean a complete change to my work patterns in coming weeks - so you may be hearing more news about work pretty soon!

But for now I am going to go have the bath that T has run *sighs blissfully*. Have a lovely weekend xx

Sunday, 20 April 2008

Sacred Life Sunday part 5 - The gift of tears

As I have written in recent posts, my life is finally becoming the life I always dreamed of - I am, quite literally, living my dream in this current moment. However, along with the awesome joy I am feeling, I am equally experiencing moments of great pain and sadness.

Until I met T, I never knew how to let go and cry in front of others. I would run and hide away, ashamed of the fear or pain behind my emotions. I would yearn to be able to experience tears in both joy and sadness as freely as I expressed other emotions such as peace and laughter. Yet only now do I realise that in fact even my laughter was stemmed - I was living behind a mask, only showing what I felt was "safe" to show.

Since T and I moved on from friends to lovers I have become far freer in my expression, as he has gently and lovingly guided me to let go and supported me in the ensuing responses. I have laughed like I was a child again, and so too have I cried!

Working with children reminds me just how freely they express how they feel. They have no shame, no fear or rejection - they live in the moment and experience in the space of two minutes a whole rainbow of emotions. It is beautiful and inspiring to see and I am thankful each day for the opportunity to see this.

So crying, for me, is a freedom, a blessing that I had lost sight of. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, in those strange and often confusing years of adolescence I lost the ability to feel fully. So today I am moved to remember the beautiful gift of tears.

Just as children use their tears and laughter to express their needs and desires when words are not available to them, so too do tears and laughter express what I can find no words for. As a linguist and poet I am someone who has lived her life fully focussed on the use of words to express whatever she has in her heart and mind. It is an almost uncomfortable position to find myself in, when looking into my love's eyes or seeing the world afresh from a place of love, to not be able to put into words just how I feel. This is where the rediscovery of tears and free laughter has been a true gift and blessing.

I wanted to include in this post a poem, as I have in all my previous Sacred Life Sunday postings. So I went to the bookcase and ran my finger along our poetry shelf and picked up the book Rainbows Through The Rain by Fiona Castle (Roy Castle's wife). The book contains poems, writings and bible quotations which helped the author to get through the hard times after her husband died, and the following poem was the one I opened up at today - it is perfect for the theme of today's post. Although I have not lost a love, I have felt the blessing of tears through my love and wish to share the following poem with you. Whether you believe in a God or not, I hope you enjoy the poem and are lucky enough to experience the true gift that tears can be in our lives.

With Love
Amanda xx

The Gift of Tears
Who has the wisdom to count the drops of rain
or the tears that flow from heartfelt pain?
As rain comes from the heaven to water the earth,
do tears come from the eyes to water the heart?
It is God who tips over the water jars from the heavens.
It is He who put the tears into the soul.
It is He who designed tears to flow from the eyes.
It is He who waters the Spirit to grow in our lives.
So what are tears but a language all of their own
between God the Creator to mankind on earth?
They are the unspoken and unspeakable words of wisdom,
our hearts speaking to His heart
and once shared with Him, He is with us.
Joan Morris

Thursday, 10 April 2008


Thank you all so much for all the kind comments you have left. We are now connected to the internet and today is my morning off so I have time to write a new entry!

I wish I had pictures to show you of our house, but I am still waiting for T's mum to email us the "before" pictures we took on her camera and we still need to take some "after" photos - I promise to do this asap!

The flat is so lovely - it is a third floor flat (in a modern build of three floors) and so light and airy. I spent the day after my last post cleaning the whole flat (cupboards and all) and carrying boxes full of books and clothes up 3 flights of stairs (after having helped get the sofa and tables up the day previous and knowing I'd have more to bring up over the weekend!) I must say that by Sunday I felt like I could barely move and getting the energy to walk to my work to learn the route and time how long it took was a bit of a stretch!

We are still waiting to collect T's bookcase so that we can finally empty the boxes full of books and we also need to figure out how to put the wardrobe together in the bedroom so we can finish sorting out the suitcases and bags of clothes. Then all we need is a bed frame so we aren't sleeping on a mattress on the floor and a few little bits that are not essentials but niceties and our home will be complete.

I cannot believe we have only been here 2 weeks and I started a new job 4 days after we moved in. I have settled into my new role so well I feel like I have been there far longer. I work 41 hours (10 hours per day - one hour of which is unpaid lunch) and then a half day. I am also working an extra 7 hours this Saturday at the creche in the local shopping centre and am currently staying after work on Mondays to train in tiny talk. I have to say working 8am-8:30pm on a Monday was not the easiest of things - I was dead to the world by 8:30pm the following day as it caught up with me hehe - but the training is so much fun and we are already teaching the "tweenies" (1-2 year olds) several signs, such as "more", "please/thank you", "milk", "food", "cake" and "raisins".

Yesterday I had them all dancing to music on the carpet area in the morning and we had physical play in the afternoon, which consisted of a ball pool and lots of trying to throw and catch and us adults trying to learn how to juggle - it was such fun! We have our own kitchen area in the "tweenie" room which means that the chef sends up the food he's cooked and we get to dish it out and sit with the children in our own routine and it works so much better than food being dished up by a chef who doesn't know each child's eating habits.

I'm in the 2-3 year old room this afternoon and pre-school tomorrow - unlike my old nursery where I hated being in other rooms because nobody spoke to you, I actually enjoy seeing how the other rooms work at this nursery. Last time I was in pre-school we took the kids to the local play park in the morning and then I spent the afternoon making treasure for their pirate treasure box with them. The nursery is very committed to learning and play through art and we even painted a tractor and some animals with the 1-2 year olds the other day. I have become known already as someone who is good at creative drawing and displays, although my deputy room leader has told me I am not to help anybody else's room (lol).

We have a good laugh, and although I am extremely tired at the end of each day, I wake up happy to go to work. I actually had a horrid morning off last Friday and going to work was the highlight of my day!! It helps that when I come home, the sun is usually shining, the route over the river is beautiful and I come home to find dinner on the table :o)

I must go now as I have loads of post for previous tenants to redirect and some laundry to do and I want to clean the bathroom and start sorting out a few more boxes whilst I have some time free. But I do promise to post pictures as soon as I have some available to post.

Have a wonderful day
Amanda xx