Monday, 16 June 2008

Buttercups and Roses

So, we've been bumbling along like this bee we saw a few weeks ago, alighting on this leaf and that flower, trying to find the sweet nectar we are searching for to make our own honey!

We've hit a few snags, that's only to be expected, but on the whole things are actually ok - they really are... we are learning to have faith that we will get there - we will be able to live our dream!

It's been a hard couple of weeks for us - the uncertainty and pressure has been immense and I have had to deal with the impending loss of a job I both adore and feel very confident in. I am going to grieve for the passing of this stage of my life - but I am also excited about the space it leaves for a new chapter to begin...

In recent weeks T and I have taken every opportunity we have had to return to nature, to touch base with our roots, and really try to forget about the worries that are crowding into our minds and filling our hearts with fear. All we create through our fearful thoughts is more fear and without these moments in nature we might have gone mad!!

In taking this time to simply "be" I have realised that once again my heart has been over-ruled by the expectations of others. Any of you who know me well or have been following this blog for a while will know by now how much I yearn to run my own business. I cannot tell you why this is so important, I just feel like I want to - it's almost like all the ambition my university lecturers think I was lacking has never been lacking at all - I just never had the right sort of ambition for the kinds of careers people always expected me to go into.

After all - one of the few things I always knew I wanted to be without a doubt was a mother - I adore children and nurturing them - why else would I settle for such terrible money and such long hours if I didn't desire to encourage and nurture others? I want this to work in my favour - I want to have a business where I can use my passions for nature, writing, photography, sewing etc to inspire and help others. And I want a business I can run from home when I have a family of my own - rather than spending most of my life away from my children.
I'm incredibly blessed to have found a partner who not only supports me in this dream but wishes to be a major part of it. Some of you may remember how I have tried a few things in the past to little avail - mostly because I wasn't thinking in a business-like way. On a more spiritual level I wasn't living in line with my beliefs - I was blocking a potential move through fear of rejection (working on something you believe in but others may find a ridiculous concept is quite scary!!). Yet since meeting T I have become far more connected to my spirituality once more and feel so much more connected to the Earth I want to realign my life not just for me but also for the planet...

Through the hardships recently T has helped me realise that we can do this and that I don't have to do it alone. I was working all hours to expand my Reiki blog to perhaps expand it into a business idea. I added a forum (having helped to run one whilst at uni and having met many of my dearest friends through such a medium) as a way to encourage people to interact and share skills and advice rather than always relying on money as the only form of exchange. I then set up an eBay shop to firstly sell some of our books we no longer want to get a bit of money to help fund the initial costs of the projects we have in mind. I was doing this all after 10 hour days at work and I was exhausted. I finally hit a wall yesterday and T finally managed to make it clear to me that I didn't have to do it all... what a relief!

And this works well for him too - as he was feling immensely guilty about my going to work whilst he stayed home. Now he has a purpose and a list of things that need to be done to get our business off the ground. Instead of sitting around, simply waiting to see the specialist and find out what can be done about his hands, T is using the time we have both been given to do the hard legwork we'd never have time to do if we both worked full-time.

We have a shared dream - I am no longer living my own dream but that of another as well - and it feels good. As bumbling bees we occasionally land upon a rose!!

Wishing you all a beautiful week - thank you for all of your love and support
Amanda and T xx

Thursday, 5 June 2008

Just a quick note

T was made redundant on Tuesday *sigh*

He spoke with his boss about his wrist problems and his boss said he was glad T told him because he was going to sack him anyway because his work wasn't up to standard. Now that his boss knows why it wasn't to standard (i.e. he couldn't cope with the workload) his boss has agreed to pay him for this week (even though he hasn't worked) and drafted a redundancy letter for him instead of out and out sacking him *phew*

T rang up the job centre today and we ae now eligible for housing benefit and help with our council tax because there is no way we can afford £725 per month when last month I only brought home £736 and my salary is now the only one we have!!

All's not lost though - we are both firm believers that everything happens for a reason, even when we cannot see what that reason is. Right now we are just thankful T is not damaging himself more whilst waiting to see the specialist and hopefully getting some treatment. Also it is giving me that extra push to move forwards - I spent the whole of my morning off jazzing up my CV. I then went in to work and had a wonderful time sat in the garden with 3 of the babies (it was a VERY unusually quiet day at the nursery for some reason) and thought how much I'm gonna miss these children :o( BUT I also know it is never always like that and when I started to feel ill during the latter part of the afternoon and had anoter request to work extra hours at the creche this weekend I knew I was making the right decision.

Anyway - I thank you all for your support and I do hope that I didn't offend any mothers wit my previous post. I certainly didn't mean to imply all SAHM do nothing outside of being at home with their children I just know that *I* would be that kind of person (and having grown up seeing my mum's whole life revolve around us and my dad and nothing but the home that kinda scares me!!)

We'll get there, T and I! We celebrated our year of knowing each other yesterday and reflected on just how much we have both grow and achieved in this past year - if we can do all that then we can certainl get through this latest hurdle - after all you don't get anywhere without a few bumps and bruises do you?!