Sunday 1 July 2007

Hormones? - originally posted 18th June

Hmmm I wrote a really long post about hormones earlier - but I obviously deleted it by mistake. It's probably a good thing because it was written in the middle of a really bad day! I was in two minds as to whether I should post it anyway so perhaps I subconsciously forgot to save it...

I'm still not sure whether I should post this or not. I want this blog to be honest and open but I also know that this is a topic which not everybody is comfortable talking/reading about. So I'm gonna post it but if you don't like talking about gynaecological issues then stop reading now.

I have to register with a doctor tomorrow so that I can make an appointment to have my coil checked. I have a Mirena coil and have had since 2005. I don't use it for contraceptive purposes as I am still sexually inactive. I have it because I have Endometriosis and my periods used to be so bad that at best they would simply be irregular (even weekly at times) and painful and at worst; causing me to stay in bed for 3 days due to unbelievable pain that painkilliers made no dent in and had me begging God to stop it 'cos I didn't know how much more I could take; sickness and diarrhoea; and fevers that had me mixing reality and the book I had been reading into one blurred world. I would even dream I was in pain if ever I managed to sleep!! Basically after years of suffering and being told I was "young, healthy, not trying for children" and so there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with me and that "a bit of pain is normal for some women" and being made to feel like a total fool I refused to be brushed aside any longer, demanded an internal exam (oh yes, I'd been prescribed pill after pill from the age of 15 with not even an external exam!!) and exploratory surgery to check I didn't have Endo because both my Grandmother and mother had suffered from it, causing them both to have early hysterectomies. And when they did the surgery they found that yes I did have Endo and that my ovary was enlarged and it and my fallopian tube were immobile due to the Endo amongst other things.

Sorry, bit of history there, but it's important because I am going to try and talk to the doctor to see if perhaps my hormones could be the cause of my constantly changing mood swings. I can't find any reason for them or for why sometimes I feel fine and others I find life so difficult... I wouldn't say I'm truly depressed because I never lose hope I just don't know what to do with myself - it's like a bad case of PMS every so often. Of course I haven't had periods since 2005 and even before that they were completely irregular, so I have nothing to work out if this theory is correct or not... but I realised today that I started feeling like this when I started using contraceptive pills and devices to try and help with the pain and it has steadily worsened.

But I am worried about going to the doctor because I hate going - I always feel so small and like I am wasting their time - and come out feeling worse than when I went in. I hate suffering from something that some doctors still believe is "all in the mind" or something women should just "put up with".

I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you - it's just today has been one of my "low days" and I really needed to share it and get it out before I go to the doctors 'cos the last thing I want to do is cry whilst there!!

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