I've decided to move back to Blogger. As I've mentioned before I only moved to Typepad because it was easier to use professionally when I wanted to set up my business. Now I am going in a different direction and spending far less time online working on my image I feel no need to continue paying for the service Typepad offers - even though I do so love it!
I'm currently working on moving my posts over (or the good ones anyway LOL) so if you get an email saying I've posted something new on Blogger chances are I haven't - sorry about that!
In other news - I am feeling much better, which makes me think even more that my hormones have a lot to do with my emotions! But I also made an incredible change the other day - I realised I had been so miserable because I was trying too hard to be someone I wasn't.
Let me explain... I was quite blissfully unaware of my talents as a child - don't get me wrong I was aware I was clever but not how clever I was. Once it was pointed out to me how far I could go in life and perhaps on occasions how far a should go I began to stress about it all. I had to get top marks. I had to achieve great things. I had to do more than the next person. But at the same time as feeling this need I also felt a kind of guilt... why was I so lucky? Why did I find things so easy? So I self-sabotaged - a LOT. I would doubt my ability to really do things, always expecting to be found out to be a fake any minute. I didn't go for jobs I could do for fear of failure. It was a double edged sword... I thought I should do more so as not to waste my "gifts" yet I didn't want to because I didn't feel comfortable and didn't enjoy it.
I never wanted to leave my hometown and when I did I was terrified of returning for fear of becoming who I once was because I thought I was lazy and never achieved anything... I got swept away in the tide of achievement and pressure that exists in the academic world... it was shameful to me to return home and want a simple life. But do you know what? That's exactly what I wanted. That's who I am.
Last week something just flipped. I was feeling so incredibly low for the umpteenth time and I realised it wasn't worth it. I realised I was trying to be someone I'm not and I was making my life miserable as a result. I realised that I was depressing myself because when I thought about life and took away the achievements and the stresses there was nothing left - no life. I realised I had lost my identity and I wanted it back.
I have spent this past week doing simple things I love... I have watched films without feeling guilty about them not expanding my knowledge. I have begun to read novels for the sheer enjoyment rather than feeling guilty about not developing my language skills. I have even begun to crochet a baby blanket for my cousins' baby which is due any day now. I have never made anything so big... I have always been obsessed by the end product rather than enjoying the actual process... this time even though I completely screwed up and had to undo two whole lengths and start again I have enjoyed sitting and stitching every single stitch. I have, in fact, had the most enjoyable week in a LONG time. And I feel good!!
So this is why my business idea failed... I didn't want a business for me but because I thought it was another achievement. But deep down I knew it would take away the pleasure of making things. I had far too many projects on the go which had to be finished asap... now I'm trying to enjoy each moment... I don't doubt it's going to be hard sometimes 'cos I'm changing habits which are deeply set in my life. But on the whole I do feel good!
I have an interview tomorrow for a job at the hospital in the records department. It's not what I expected to want to do and it's scary going for another job but I'm also looking forward to starting afresh. Wish me luck!!
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