I know, I know... my break wasn't very long - but I feel the need to share some of what is going on in my life with you guys - get it out so-to-speak. I also wanted to thank those of you who left such kind and thoughtful comments on my last post. I'm considering moving my blog back to Blogger or on to Worpress (if I ever figure out the editing function there!) but I have grown so fond of Typepad in my time here I can't quite bring myself to make the move definite yet, regardless of having to pay to be here!
I feel like I'm standing in the picture above, right now, seeing the path before me but not quite sure what lies beyond the trees - I suppose we're always in that state but right now it is rather dark and confusing where I am NOW as well. I wondered if you might be able to help me a bit with your thoughts on the matter - sometimes a fresh perspective on things is all I need to clear my mind after having spent weeks going over something enough that I can make a clearer decision.
I'm currently unemployed, as you all know, and living with my parents. When I came home I felt the pressure to get into a job asap - with comments coming at me such as "You shouldn't be out of work more than a month or people will start asking questions" and the like. Well I've been home double that length now and I have got a job but because of the nature of the work it won't start paying well until September.
Do you remember me writing about a support worker role at the University here? Well they have accepted my application and put me on their books. Unfortunately, as it is a student support role, there is no real work out of term time. I'm currently signed up as my sister's assistant but only for between 1 and 4 hours per week. The job will be perfect come September/October time when the students return and with roles which pay between £6 and £10 per hour with some home working I can hopefully, if I am careful, budget enough to cover the shorter holidays and try and do some tutoring or something in the longer ones.
But the question remains - is it ok to remain practically unemployed until September? I've been looking for seasonal work but there just isn't any - and I've tried applying for shop work before and they don't even give my application a second look once they see I'm a graduate - the two shops that did (a post office and John Lewis) told me they had too many concerns that they would spend time training me only for me to get bored and move on. Specsavers were different, they needed people they could train in optics, but I hated that job so much I wouldn't want to return. It's not that the job was bad, because it wasn't - I just didn't feel confident enough in all I had to do and try and learn whilst in an extremely busy enviornment!
I've applied for a couple of jobs, one even in London, and if I got them I would have to give up the work at the University. If it were the right job then I would feel ok about that, but I don't want to give up the opportunity to any old job. My plan at first was to spend the summer setting up a business and then work part time at the University - but it was stressing me out far too much and I don't feel it is the right time to do that. I then thought I should spend the summer working on my languages so that I can actually use them (or feel more confident using them) for tutoring or something - but I don't know if I'll ever be confident enough in them - 4 year at uni certainly didn't help that!!
The problem is I lack confidence in my abilities. Many people have told me outright they don't know how I have such a lack of self-confidence and self-worth because I am very lucky and talented and have succeeded at pretty much everything I have ever done. This doesn't mean I find everything I do easy - the only reason I achieve such standards is because I put everything I have into everything I do - but I am lucky in that my work nearly always results in high standards!
So I hated University because I always questioned my ability and right to be there (I didn't even get in with my grades but they took me anyway), I doubted my ability to cope at Specsavers and although I was good at my job spent the whole time stressed out! Once I got to the nursery, though, things changed. I was with babies, who I have always adored, and I never doubted my ability to do a fantastic job there. But I was always sick and always counting every last penny because of the pay - so it seems that the work isn't for me at this stage in my life... but that leaves the question, what is?
I guess what I'm really asking is - is it ok to spend the next 3 months with no real job in order to then work in a role I know I'll be good at but really has no job security (i.e. there have to be enough students wanting support to finance me enough to cover periods when they aren't there). I feel too guilty living at home rent-free, especially as my dad is stuck in a job which makes him ill with stress purely because it is the only job which pays enough for him to meet all the bills as neither my mum nor sister work due to health issues. I have no real reason not to be earning - so I should be out there bringing some money in!
Guess I answered my above question lol - are you confused yet? I tell you, my mind is such a mass of thoughts, this is why I need a fresh perspective!
One last thing - I have applied for a job at BLISS (the premature baby charity) which is a charity I feel really strongly about and have applied to work with them previously. It is a well paid job in London and I would like a chance to go in and show myself and others what I can do whilst making a real difference to the lives of babies and parents - so could you all hold me in your thoughts and prayers?
Thank you all for your support and listening to me ramble
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