Spending Christmas Alone...

I made a massive decision yesterday - I'm not going home for Christmas! This will be the first time I haven't spent Christmas at my parents ever. I had been unsure as to whether I would travel home for the holidays earlier in the year but had eventually decided that it just wouldn't be Christmas without popping home. However I am still feeling really ill and am struggling to keep going so I decided I would be daft to use 2 of my 4 days off travelling just so I could go home for Christmas.

Not just that, I would have to battle with the other communters returning home for Christmas on the trains (which I have done before and is perfectly ok when you feel well but not when you're ill) and then if I did go home I'd feel obliged to meet all my friends and family and I wouldn't get a rest at all. This way I get 4 days to just take it easy and try and get my body to heal itself.

I know my decision doesn't seem very festive - and for the biggest Christmas girl I know this is a shocking decision - but it just makes so much sense and I actually don't feel very Christmassy anyway - not this year :o(

I'm ok with my decision - it makes sense and I am really looking forward to just being able to relax and be quiet and not have to work to timetables and things. I'm also going to be having Christmas dinner alone which suits me fine because the way I've been feeling recently I'm not really gonna want to eat much at all anyway! Saves me feeling guilty about not eating the food someone else has taken the time to prepare!

So all in all it's a good decision - though slightly sad. I knew the day had to come when I spent my first Christmas away from home. I considered doing it a couple of years ago when I went to Germany but decided I really wanted to come home for Christmas. So it's another one of those steps from being little me to grown up me.

Local Craft Groups

Since Cherry's lovely comment on my blog a while back I've been seriously thinking of getting out a bit more. I haven't got that far - due to being so ill - but having looked at all the wonderful craft blogs around I realise that I might like to join a local craft group. I used to enjoy spending time crafting, before uni and other stuff took over my life and it would be nice to both get back into that and meet new friends in my area.

The only problem is I don't know where to look. I've tried googling to no avail and won't get a chance to get into town to the local library for at least a week if not longer (as I'm going home for Christmas next Saturday).

There must be some around - Cambridge can't be without crafters... but as there seems to be a distinct lack of crafting shops around here the only place I can think to look is the local library. I wish I knew Cambridge a little bit better...

A new friend

I'm going out on Tuesday to meet a new friend I've possibly made - sounds weird huh?

I was online searching for language buddies when I came across a guy who is also new to Cambridge and looking for new people to hang around with (you know what it's like when you move to a new place - it takes a while to make new connections). Anyway this guy is a nursing assistant for child psychiatric patients - sounds right up my street! So we're meeting for a drink and a chat on Tuesday to see if we get on and if so it looks like I might have a new buddy to do things like go to the cinema with! Yay!

I popped into Specsavers to give them my Christmas card today and they were really busy - apparently it's been dead quiet - trust me to go and see my owld workplace when it was hectic!! But it was nice to say hi, if a bit (no, very) weird! And it reminds me I need to text my friend from the other store as we were planning on meeting up weeks ago but cos of my illness we haven't got round to it...

On the topic of illness - I pulled a muscle in my chest yesterday. Not sure whether I did it coughing or picking up a baby off the floor but it certainly hurts to cough today!! I also kept waking up in the night cos of my coughing only to find my right eye was stuck closed... turns out I have caught conjunctivitis from somebody - certainly something I wasn't expecting... but that seems to have improved so impressively during my shopping spree for Christmas pressies today that I am very thankful my body seems to be fighting back with a vengeance!!

So now I'm chilling - recovering from the exhausting shop and thinking I really should tidy my room and display my Christmas cards and put up my fairy lights and some tinsel - really get into the spirit of Christmas somewhat - before it's too late and it's gone...

Christmas is coming too fast

I am one of the biggest Christmas freaks I know! Seriously, I was telling my dad the other day how my Aunty isn't very ebig on Christmas and his reply was "Well that's cos she's never spent one with you!" lol

I love making and writing Christmas cards, picking out and making gifts for loved ones and wrapping them thinking of how wonderful it will be to see their surprise when they see what Santa's brought them this year. In fcat wrapping gifts must be my most favourite thing of all time - I like it even more than opening my own presents hehe - in fact people usually moan at me cos I take so long opening my gifts cos I just find wrapping paper and ribbon so beautiful and exciting for some reason! Usually my parents and sister give me some of their gifts for people so I can wrap them up - I just love it!!!

However this year, what with the move and the new job and being so ill (yes I'm still ill and it's getting worse *sigh*) I haven't even finished making or writing my cards let alone sent them out yet. And as for pressies - well I'm trying not to think of that right now - gonna have to get a move on!!

I'm sooo far behind normal and yes I know Christmas is more than gifts - but it's the giving that I love and I am running out of time so am finding myself stressing slightly over my timeframe rather than enjoying the advent season. Normally I have most of this sorted come December the 1st - leaving me time to sing carols, decorate the tree and just enjoy myself...

I think Saturday is going to be a very busy day!!

German!!

After reading the most wonderful news over on Cherry's blog and how it all happened in Vienna I became very reflective about how very long it's been since I really spoke some German. I miss German and reading about the Christmas markets only strengthened my yearning for the days when I used to speak it all day, every day!

So, I went on gumtree, looking for maybe a German community here in Cambridge. No luck on that front - but I did find an advert for a language exchange network where people who want to improve their skills in one language in exchange for support in their own for someone else can advertise what they're looking for.

I was trawling through the adverts thinking "oooh she sounds interesting" and "wow he comes from Berlin - I miss Berlin!!" when I came across one for a guy who is currently living in Scotland and wanted to practise his English in return for help with German. Sounded good to me!

So I added him to my skype - thinking it'd be days before we got chance to chat, if ever...

5 minutes later I'd received a reply from him and we spent the next 3 hours chatting away - all in German... oh am I in heaven or what!!! Even being rudely awoken in the middle of the night by a coughing fit has done nothing to dampen my spirits... and all because I got to speak a little bit of German...

It's amazing what can make you happy, isn't it?!

Day of reflection

I was gonna call in sick yesterday after having felt ill all weekend - but when I went to call in I found I had no credit on my phone *doh* so ended up working anyway... it was a quiet day and ok but I still felt very sick by the end of it so decided, after much deliberation, to take today off.

I came to this decision after thinking long and hard about pushing myself to keep going and realising that until I loved myself enough to truly take care of myself I would never get better. I have repeated this pattern in so many areas of my life for so many years - self-sabotaging my chances of healing, growing etc - because I am too low in self-worth to actually say "I'm sick, I need a break!"

I came close to it in the summer - I told my family that it really wasn't a case of "if I don't stop soon I will reach breaking point" but rather "I'm at breaking point now, I need to stop!" Of course it didn't happen - and although I have blamed outside circumstances, at the end of the day it is only me who is the cause of this. I am the one who ultimately made the decision to carry on. I was the one who decided leaving home for my sanity's sake was preferable over running myself down even more and feeling even iller.

Of course, I am happy where I am now - on the whole. I am in a job I love (if only I could stop being so ill) and live in a wonderful shared house with two housemates who crack me up constantly! But my health still struggles...

I've always been one to fall ill easily - and for the past decade it's been one thing after another (both big and small). I came to realise, with some help from a friend and some strongly worded truths, that I hid behind my illness. However much I hated to admit this, it was true. I hated being ill, but just as I received love for my academic achievements and associated love and praise with that, I also received love and attention through being ill.

It took me a long time to finally admit (to others and partly to myself) that I self-sabotaged my health for both attention and for a get-out clause. For so many years, when things went wrong I was told "that's ok, you weren't at your best". Or being ill meant I didn't have to go to school and face whatever I didn't want to face. I would even fantasise about being ill or injured just to try and escape things...

And so, even though I am now aware of this pattern of behaviour and am trying to change it, I find myself falling back into the habit sometimes. And my body is a bit slower than my mind.

Right now, I am sure I could heal myself and be much stronger if I didnt' expect to be ill all the time. I would also not create illness (subconsciously) if I could only find enough confidence within myself to know that what I do is good enough.

So, today is a day of reflection...

What kind of Love are you looking for?

Further to my post a few days ago about yearning for love, I had a discussion with a close friend of mine over on Shinin Hearts. When asked what I was truly looking for in a man, my answer gave out a lot of answers to what was actually going on.

We discovered that my dream of Love is actually more one of companionship than of a romantic and passionate relationship. And as such I am actually receiving this companionship in the men in my life. Men to me are companions through and through.

We discussed this further and how I have always imagined love to be much more companionable - someone to talk to, share my dreams with, be financially and emotionally stable with - than passionate and romantic. In fact, we discovered, on reflection of what I was saying, that I actually fear that kind of relationship.

For some reason I have an utter fear of letting go - I can't even let close friends see me cry - or even lose my temper in front of people... so how on earth I expect to let go and let my emotions and sexual responses carry me along in a relationship I do not know...

This has worried me for a while - I have never wanted the beginnings of a relationship - rather the stability of knowing someone well...

But that cannot happen - and has not and will not, I am sure...

So... with this in mind I am currently considering doing something like taking up belly dancing lessons or even just normal dancing lessons, to help me connect with a more passionate side of myself. I've just got to find a class and a bit of courage now...

To blog or not to blog - that is the question

Although I find writing here on a regular basis very therapeutic I am unsure as to whether I should simply write on my laptop rather than on the web.

I'm unsure of my reasons for blogging to be quite honest... I love reading a variety of blogs and once I had set up my blogs for my writing (which was easier than setting up a good looking website which I had tried before) I decided to set up this one so that at least if I commented on someone's blog I wouldn't be some random, obscure nobody... why the thought of being that bothers me I am not quite sure atm... I am sure I will figure it out with time.

But because of this and the nature of my ramblings I'm not sure whether it's worth keeping the blog going or not. My parents apparently had a look at it the other day and my dad told me I should be really careful what I write here - in particular he was worried about my post on daycare (which I have since deleted from the internet) because he was afraid that I might offend someone and I couldn't be bothered to argue... to be fair the last thing I want to do is offend someone - I only wrote my opinion because it was strong in my mind that day!

So for the time being I am going to keep the blog going, simply because I haven't decided whether to delete it or not and I don't want to have to go through the process of setting it up again if I later decide I want one. Perhaps the way to go is to turn this blog into a themed blog and only post things related to one aspect of my life and journal my random musings on my laptop. I'll have to think a bit more about this one...

Sick again :o(

I am sooo ill... I have had this cold for most of this week and although it has been hard work coping with the long days it hasn't been the worst... until today...

I slept through two alarm clocks somehow and woke up 25 minutes after I should have started work!! And work is an hour away!! So I called in, apologised profusely and assured them I'd be in by the time the late shift started and ran out the door to catch my bus. Only when I got on the bus did I realise I had left my snacks at home so I had no breakfast and no chance to go buy anything for my morning break.

So in my morning break I drank half a cup of tea - which I never drink but I needed something to keep me going... and then finally managed to force down a jacket potato at lunch around 1pm. I then had to work until 6:15 which was a killer... because I really do feel like crap.

My sinuses are clearing but that means I am blowing my nose every 5 minutes and it is making me a bit dizzy - I have a chesty cough and every time I cough I retch and my head shoots with pain, my glands are all swollen and my joints all ache. Add to that the fact that my job involves running between feeding, changing, interacting with and reassuring a room full of 12 babies under the age of 1 - well you can guess how fun my day was!!

My unit leader kept saying "are you sure you're alright?" "You're not your usual self" "You're really poorly, I wish I could make you feel better!" She is a darling and I love her!! She told me that if I still feel ill by Monday to not bother going in. When I replied that I felt bad because I'd already had two days off and have only been there two weeks she told me that if I was worried they might sack me not to be because that ain't gonna happen... does that mean she thinks I'm worth keeping??

Anyway - half the problem with taking time off is that I don't get paid any sick pay. My housemate didn't believe me when I told him this and almost demanded to see my contract lol. It is really crappy - cos I cannot afford to miss work unless I am really ill - like when I couldn't keep anything down and possibly like today...

My housemate keeps telling me to go back to the doctors because there must be something they can do to help boost my immune system - but my uncle has given me a load of herbs to help with that and my experience with the doctors in this area is that they believe there isn't much they can do and we should just keep going... either I've had really rubbish doctors or I'm just not strong enough to say "this is really crap I need help!"

Anyway - all plans I had for the weekend have been scrapped and I'm just gonna spend the time lazing around the house, with hot drinks (made by my housemate - bless him he's a darling) and cuddling a hot water bottle and watching seasonal films! Sounds good!

Will I ever find love?

I am so goshdarn broody it isn't fair!! I've been broody on and off since I was about 10 but working with the babies has just upped the intensity yet another notch! I knew working with them would do one of two things - make me broodier or put me off having my own kids lol - I'm very glad the first one happened - but it's a bit of a pain...

I can't be broody - it's not fair, because I have no way of acting upon this instinctual urge, what with no man in tow (or even on the horizon). I got quite philosophical about it on the bus to work yesterday, actually.

The thing is - I've never been in a relationship. Not really. I don't consider the "online relationship" I had with a boy at 16 one - as we never met and it was purely a feeling of "omg someone loves me" that kept it going as long as it did (which wasn't long!) And as for my first kiss - well that was with my best friend at uni, who was in love with another girl entirely - and although I fought my feelings for him for so long, when he kissed me I couldn't resist and boy did that get messy for all of a few days - until my sense kicked in. Ironically I ended up supporting him and giving him advice when they did finally get together - why, I ask you!!

It's strange because so many people talk to me about their relationships - as if I know anything about what they're going through... and if I'm completely honest, it hurts a lot of the time. I am a complete romantic and yearn so much to have somebody to love. But I'm not the sort of person who can just go out and meet somebody and have a bit of fun... for me it has to be a big thing...

I remember having this conversation with my sister and my dad last summer and being told by the two of them that I am far too picky and will never meet someone this way. That hurt - because I can no more change the way I feel than I can my height - I can add a few inches superficially but take away the shoes (or whatever emotional aspect the shoes represent in this analogy - I am too confused to work it out for myself lol) and I am still a little squirt!

So when will I meet a guy who I love? When will I meet a guy who loves me for me and not because I am a "nice dependable girl". Will I ever - can I just say the thought that this may never happen fills me with fear - yeah ok I'm only 22 but still - I get antsy about it...

I would never want to start a relationship purely out of need to be in one - but am I blocking out potentials for fear of doing so? Is my inexperience making me fear certain possibilities? Do I need to change my attitude to love? Damn the broodiness for bringing up all these thoughts!!!

Back to childcare

It struck me today that my blog has become a bit random - rather than focusing on living the dream of working in childcare which I had intended it to be (though of course usually what I intend for things to be is never what they actually turn out to be so I don't know why I was so surprised!).

So back to the childcare...

Today I turned up to find two workers in a room with 16 yes that's 16 babies!!! We're supposed to be a ratio of 1:3 - so much for that - today unit 1 had 18 babies and unit 2 had 11 (unit 2, my unit, managed to meet the ratio target but unit 1 didn't!)

What annoyes us the most is that we had new parents coming in for a visit to see what the nursery was about and so we had to hide the fact that we had 6 more children than we should have in one unit... one was handed over to our unit and the other 5 sent to another room with an assistant - I mean, seriously, how crap is that?!?!?!

However there is an upside to working at the nursery - we had a staff meeting today (at 6:15pm I might add when I finished my shift at 4:45 and had to sit around doing nothing for an hour and a half!) where we were introduced to the new planning concepts and key workers schemes which will be put in place from January - this means each employee will have 3 or 4 children within a certain age range for which they have to plan activities for each day of the week to cover the 4 target areas of the government's Birth to Three Matters framework. This really excites me because it means I will be more involved in planning for the intellectualy, social, emotional and physical needs and development of a specific group of children and get to do observation work and feedback to the parents more!

Most of the assistants were unhappy about these changes, about all the paperwork involved etc - but I am used to doing paperwork - when I worked in the care home in Germany I had to document every single activity I did with any of the residents - it makes sense and I prefer it that way - it means you actively play a role in the welfare of those in your care rather than simply going along day-by-day... something that I think is extremely important in an environment such as the nursery where it is often difficult to spend quality time with all the babies. This new scheme should really help us to make sure each child receives at greater standard of care each and every day rather than simply being fed, changed and having a cuddle here and there...

Another plus is that we will soon be learning baby yoga, baby massage and baby sign-language... three things I am so very excited about I cannot begin to tell you... and not only are we learning how to do them - we are actually doing certificated courses in them!! And it's all part of the job!!

Oh how I love my work - even if there are aspects I hate - the other bits sure make up for it!

Blogging overload...

I'm in full swing - my third post in 24 hours - boy when I get going I really get going lol

I had the worst night ever last night - couldn't sleep cos I had such a sore throat my teeth ache - how weird is that?! As such when I did sleep I had the weirdest dreams. I actually often have weird draems and they're usually related to my thought processes of the time... so I wonder what these dreams are related to...? The first one I can remember revolved around me going to the doctor's for something (with my mum and little sister in tow) and finding out I was pregnant with twins (I even saw them on the scan!) The worst (or perhaps best entertainment wise) part of this dream was the fact that I kept think "how can this have happened - I haven't slept with anyone?!?!?! I was racking my brains in my dream so hard trying to think if I had possibly come into contact with any man long enough to have done anything which could have resulted in my being pregnant that I woke up thinking I was expecting too rofl!!! I then went on to dream about random things as being pulled out to sea by the undercurrent and having to be saved with a little help from a friend and also having to tell my dad that my sister and mum were going to bed at 7:15pm so they wouldn't be able to unlock the door for him when he got home - I love my dreams they are soooo funny sometimes... however after all of those dreams I was quite ready to get up at 4am rather than waiting that extra hour until the hour I had planned to get up...

But I didn't - I used that time wisely to think things through and I realised that I don't need to stop dreaming of the future full stop to live in the now - I simply have to organise (so to speak) my dream list - into dreams for the future and dreams I can live right now... so that's what I'm gonna do:

In fact - let's start with the ones I've already done/am already living...

Have Lived

Live in another country - done in 2004/2005 in both Germany and Russia
Volunteer - done in Germany (old people's home) and summers '03/'04/'06 (week long camp for disabled girls)

Living Now

Work with children
Live in Cambridge
Publish my poetry and children's stories online

Dreams I could live now

Improve my knitting/crochet skills
Take up photography
Exercise more

Dreams for the near(ish) future

Move into my own place
Find a partner (this is a must for my sanity - lol - and for some of the dreams for the future)
Go on holiday
Improve my German

Dreams for the future

Have a family
Publish my work in print form
Live more ecologically minded
Learn to dance
Put music to my poetry (either by learning to play myself or working with a musically gifted person)

Dreams I have which might never come true and which I accept (just about lol)

Be organised
Be a tidy person


This list is a work in progress - it is really good to look at my dreams this way - it helps to see what I have already achieved and what is actually achieveable now - so I spend less time dreaming of it and more time living it... the exercise of writing the list also helped me to look within and really work out what it was that I really wanted. Anyone else fancy trying it?

On another note - I can't quite decide what to do with the look of this blog... it seems a bit plain to me - I like having it more personalised - but I just don't know what to do with this one... any ideas?!

On the way up

I'm feeling better - both physically and emotionally...

It's amazing what a difference a couple of days and a change in perception can do for you! Just being able to get a decent meal inside me and being able to go back to work and not feel like a completely useless person gave me chance to really think about things...

I am far too hard on myself - I am the first person to admit that... I am often told I am not proud enough of myself and that I expect way too much - and it's true... the worst part of it is I don't only expect too much from myself but expect just as much from others as well!! Hence I am always disappointed...

So I began shifting my perception the other day - trying to let go and relax and realise that life is for living rather than worrying about the future... Easier said than done, I am breaking the habit of a lifetime!

It helped that I bought a fantastic magazine (called Psychologies) whose main features this month was perfectionism... and so much of what it said made sense to me - not just because it was logical but also because I had come to think the same things in the past myself.

The best part, for me, was realising my skewed perception of "doing one's best". At uni I often had people saying to me "it doesn't matter what you get, as long as you try your best" or my parents saying "we know you have done your best and worked hard!"

For me "doing my best" meant doing the best I could possibly do which included working myself into ill health and stressing about not getting the top marks as I *should* be capapble of them - if only I hadn't taken that break to watch that film or had been more organised with my time blah blah blah...

I've come to realise that actually "doing one's best" means doing the best one can do whilst having a life and enjoying it - if that means prioritising and giving oneself a break to watch a film or meet with friends for your sanity's sake - then that is what your best is...

So those phrases, which were said as encouragement at uni, actually used to instill guilt and anxiety within me for the fact that people thought I was doing more than I was... when in fact I was most likely doing more than anyone ever expected me too... I was comparing myself to an ideal which nobody could ever keep up with...

To the same extent, as an intelleigent person, my achievements in the academic field were where I got the most praise - and hence doing well became so important for me - for I associated it with pride, praise and love... so I stuck with something I absolutely hated just for that... or rather something I used to enjoy myself became something I hated as the standards were raised for I could no longer reach them as easily as before and my life became one big stress-fest...

Such was my thinking and it hasn't changed overnight... I recognise these patterns within myself but old habits die hard and I still find myself falling into the traps - hence my absolute depression of last week (which is a recurring trend and one I plan to break).

So yesterday I had planned to tidy my bedroom because a) it was a mess and annoying me and b) I was ashamed of it and feared someone seeing it (for I have always received negativity from my mother about my untidiness and as such I feel deep shame related to it). But instead I chose to try out a couple of recipes for Christmas cookies before making them as gifts for people... I had a whale of a time - made a complete mess of myself and the kitchen (lol) and felt good for the first time in ages... this is what I needed - time to be me and enjoy myself... and it gave me even more time to think about what *I* want rather than what I think others want of me...

Today I am gradually tackling my bedroom because it is annoying me - I want a tidy room for me! And I feel good - although the nursery setting at work is not always something I agree with (something I shall post about later) I love working with the children and coming home and having time for me! This is something I need and is long overdue... I have all the time in the world to achieve my other dreams - and I have achieved far more than I ever dreamed I would in just a few short years... some of which *I* wanted but most of which I thought was impressive and would look good...

So now I'm trying to live for me and it feels good...

Back to work tomorrow

I've actually been able to eat today with minimal nausea - so back to work tomorrow!

I'm feeling not to back emotionally now either - it's not been like that all day - I've had far too many people, including my closest friend and family responding with the usual "that's life" and "you've always been this way" from my family to "no you haven't been depressed for years, I've never seen you this way" from my friend. I guess that shows how well and little they all know me all at the same time...

They know I am the sort of person who just keeps going and they know that I know all the things they are saying - but what they don't often realise or, so I suspect, aren't willing to accept, is that it's knowing these things and what they expect from me that makes me shut off how I'm feeling and just keep pushing...

I know everything is ok in reality. I know that people love me. I know that life is hard sometimes - I've lived it - and I've pushed myself beyond my comfort zones so many times. I know I have incredible strength and achieve some incredible stuff. I know I have the strength and courage to face my fears and create a better life for myself - I have done so for many years now...

But right now I have no energy to do so. I don't have any energy left from all that pushing and all that struggling I've done in recent years and my body and my emotions cannot cope any more - I cannot go on with the same stamina - in fact I sometimes wonder how I'll get out of bed and face the day...

Yet because I have always done so - however crap I have felt - people expect me to just do so and think my moaning is purely that - moaning - with no real meaning behind it... cos sure, I've moaned lots and to be fair I never do anything about it because I always feel the need to keep going and sort it out... so I moan and then I face it...

So I can't blame people for not understanding me now, not understanding the deep need I have to stop and break and just be and heal myself a bit... how can they know just how exhausted I am when I do keep going...

I told my mum a while back I was so tempted to quit work and trust I'd work it all out and I got slated for it... completely... so I didn't... I wonder what would happen if I did one day just stop getting out of bed and just look after myself as people keep telling me I should... because quite frankly I can't look after myself any more than I already am doing without taking such a drastic step...

Yet I wouldn't do that anyway - cos I have too much pride to do so, too much fear of what people would think...

I wonder - would it take such drastic action for people to take me seriously?

However - I am going back to work tomorrow - life goes on and so do I! Let'shope it's a good day and things begin to pick up a bit... there's always hope isn't there?!

I went to the doctor and guess what he told me...

I called in sick today and then phoned the doctor's surgery and managed to get an appointment this afternoon with a locum. He was really lovely and even though I was 10 minutes late (I was actually only 2 mins late but the woman in front of me at reception took forever!) he never rushed me once... amazing!

He checked my mole and told me that even though it didn't strike him as something he would immediately worry about he wants me to book an appointment with another doctor at the surgery who is actually a skin specialist to get a second opinion on it. This is going to be tricky - as I work the other side of town during surgery hours - so I'm gonna have to try and do an early shift one day and start at 7 so I can leave by 4 and be at the surgery by 5 if they'll let me.

As to the stomach bug - well he told me I'd been doing all the right things and that I looked quite weak and to take it easy and keep it simple. Then when I discussed with him how ill I've been feeling and how hard I've been finding it all he said "It sounds like you're depressed" - FINALLY someone taking me seriously - last time I approached a doctor about feeling this way I was told it was just "stress" which all university students go through *sigh*

He asked me if I would consider taking any tablets to help with that and I told him I'd rather not and he replied that I struck him as the sort of person who would rather try and deal with it naturally. So he gave me the number of a local counselling service and suggested I exercise more to release endorphins.

I've felt this way for soooo long - years even that to finally have someone acknowledge that I'm not making a fuss over nothing and not expecting me to just get on with it is quite reassuring - though the unit co-ordinator at the nursery didn't sound overly impressed when I told her that the doctor thinks that depression and my IBS might be why I'm finding it so hard to shake this bug when most other people (according to the manager) have got over it within 24 hours.

It's interesting because I have felt so low and so close to giving up for so long and I am beginning to be more open about this rather than just biting my lip and trudging along but it's almost as if people just think I'm fussing and I feel like they think I have no idea what the world is really like... so often I have had the responses "we all go through it" "that's life" and "it just doesn't work that way". I am so torn because I *know* if I don't stop soon and take care of myself I really am going to burn out - I already am in a very big way - but also people just expect me to get on with it and I just can't face their looks and responses when I just even *suggest* giving up and having a break... I sometimes wonder just *how* ill I have to be for them to really understand - I mean do I need to have a friggin' nervous breakdown before they accept it's real?

I guess it's my own fault really - I'm gone from completely dependent on others to completely independent and became known and admired for my determination, stamina and strength of character... I remember my personal tutor at uni telling me that "other people may have given up or struggled but you not only survived the year through many hardships but also excelled in your exams" and later "you could take a year out but that might not help if it's an ongoing issue - maybe you should stop worrying about getting good grades and just think about getting through this with your sanity intact... but I guess that's not what Amandas do is it?"

Hmmmm she knew me so well..?

Sick

Well I called in sick today... I still feel really rotten - managed to force down some porridge oats and water this morning and a tiny bit of chocolate of all things but that's it...

I have to call the nursery by 3:30 to let them know how it's going... eeek and I have a doctor's appointment at 3:50 today - hopefully he will be able to a) check my dodgy mole once and for all and put my mind at ease about that and b) suggest why I'm feeling this crappy... well actually I know why - I've run myself down for far too long - but it'd be helpful if I could perhaps get retested for things like anaemia, and discuss this whole IBS theory cos really all I got was "I think you have this, here try these tablets" and that was that... no help in sorting my diet out, nothing... so I think I need a long chat with the doctor to work out what I'm doing...

I am really torn today - between staying here and enjoying my independence (I'm finally out of uni, living in a shared house, working with kids and look at me - I'm unhappy) and going home to live with my parents for a bit.

I tried that after uni - my plan was to go home for a few months, rest a bit after wearing myself out so much, and then have lower stress levels and earn some money and get some work experience without having to use all my wages for rent... at home my parents would only take a small percentage - to help me get out of my student debt and on my feet...

But my relationship with my mum is so strained - we just don't see eye to eye at the moment, and she is ill, my sister is still at home and ill and depressed, my dad is stressed with work - I couldn't hack it in the summer and just had to get away... I don't want to get stuck back at home as I know I could...

Also I've made connections here in Cambridge - I don't want to lose them so soon...

But I just feel like maybe going home for a bit and being able to maybe cut down my hours a bit might be beneficial in the long run, giving me chance to sort my health and emotions out a bit...

I just don't know what to do - I love Cambridge... but I don't know how much joy is really gonna be in my life whilst I'm struggling so much to cope... going back to Lincoln is like a kick in the gut and like going backwards - but maybe it'd be worth it...

Think I'll wait and see what the doctor says...

Nursery is great - still feeling crap though :o(

I went in to work today - couldn't bear the thought of calling in sick on my third day - but I still felt very queasy and running between crying babies, trying to rock and soothe 2 babies at once whilst entertaining another, changing nappies and making up baby formula wasn't the best way to ease my nausea lol... Especially as the bus journey there had churned me up to begin with...

But it was still good to go in and see them all and find out that next week we're starting *drum roll please* Baby Yoga and Baby Massage... omg how excited am I?!?! I have been interested in those for aaaaaaaaages!!

I am however worried slightly about how quickly I fell ill... I shouldn't be surprised really... I mean my immune system is CRAP... always has been and I've had so many health and emotional issues over the past 4-5 years (more even if I count older issues) that I am so worn out my body can't cope... I knew I was burning out and my iridologist uncle confirmed it for me by pointing out that my body is not only failing to remove waste from my body but is actually reabsorbing it - making me ill... no wonder my digestion is so crappy...

But I didn't expect to be this ill, this quickly and it has really shaken me up... I feel like such a wuss - but I hate throwing up - in fact I have a phobia about it - a really, sweat inducing phobia... which caused me to have panic attacks around meal times and stop eating and become terribly underweight as a pre-teen... so last week was a nightmare... I thought I was doing so well coping with the baby puke - and I was... but now I worry all the time that I'll be ill...

I have always hated this aspect of myself... I LOVE caring for others, babies, elderly, disabled, friends... but when people throw up I can't stand it - I get all panicky and have more than once had to walk away leaving them in someone else's care...

It took me YEARS to come to terms with this and I still haven't completely... but at least I can tell people about it now - apparently there's even a name for it - emetophobia - actually finding that out and that I wasn't the only one helped me open up and tell people about it!

And so, in a weird way, I am blessed that the babies made me so ill I spent all of Friday night vomiting - cos it made me face my fear... although I hated it I actually felt a very strange small sense of pride in my ability to deal with it... so that was ok - I just don't want to do it again anytime soon lol

And I still feel ill - getting a reallytight chesty cough - no wonder - when you have up to 14 babies in one unit and two units to each room and they're all ill it's very likely you'll become ill... I am beginning to wonder how much more of this my body can take... I really don't want to give up - but I can't force my body to cope when it's already drowning somewhat...

I am so torn between my love of children and finally working with them and living my dream and my health and not wanting to feel so crap...

Work is good - health is not...

My first two days were wonderful - I love working with babies - it's the first time I've ever felt good during my first day at a new place - it just seemed so natural to be with them...

However there is a sickness bug going around - so many babies puked on me and they were all crying and then Friday night I began throwing up too :o(

I spent all of yesterday in bed and have finally managed to make it out of bed today but still feel quite rough... just hoping I feel better by tomorrow - I've got to get the bus at 7am and won't get home til about 6pm... and I don't want to be dealing with babies when feeling this rough - but I also don't want to have to call in sick on my third day!

Oh well... I'm beginning to wonder if maybe this is the right place - hopefully that's just cos I feel so ill and haven't felt that great since I begun (health wise that is)... guess I gotta try patience and see what happens...

Today's the last day...

Tomorrow I begin working at the nursery - so today is the last day of dreaming before I begin living the dream tomorrow... I am so excited and yet... so not.

I feel like I should be more excited - maybe I'm not because I don't want to expect too much. Maybe it's because I still have loads to do today. Maybe it's just apprehension taking over. Far too often I miss out on the excitement because I overanalyse and worry far too much about what could go wrong... something I am trying to change.

So many fears - will I be good at it? Will I like it? Will they like me?

I guess only time will tell... and for now I should be getting on with all my bits and bobs.

Today I have to go to the doctors for a new-patient check and also to get a dodgy mole checked which I've had for years but it just keep playing on my mind... then I really wanted to go on the bus to the hospital to time the journey and also find my way through the hospital grounds, and then I need to go to Tesco to buy some essentials... just gotta work out which order to do it all in...

Living the Dream

For years I have dreamed of working with children. As a child my favourite thing to do was play with my dolls and pretend to get married and have kids! Then when my mum became a childminder when I was 9 I just knew I wanted to work with kids. My mind was set up and I dreamed of one day becoming a school teacher...

That is until I reached my GCSE years and began thinking about my options for the future. When telling my teachers I was planning on staying in my hometown to train as a teacher I was told over and over again "You should go to university first, you are capable of it". I didn't want to go to university... but it seemed that people just assumed I would go - I was clever and that was that...

I became really depressed in my final year at school - and dropped from getting straight A's to failing my resits - all because I gave up trying... I didn't want to go to university - the idea terrified me and I didn't have a passion to study there at all... as it was I chose the uni for its campus before I'd even decided what to study.

Going to uni was the hardest thing I have ever done - possibly the best thing I ever did to begin with - making me become independent and all that... but once I had overcome my fears of leaving home uni held nothing for me. Oh, I got the best out of it I could - I worked in Germany, studied in Russia, visited other countries and developed my internet capabilities and began writing more and more... but my heart wasn't in the academic side of things and I felt stifled, pressurised and miserable.

I couldn't wait for uni to end - I almost left in my second year but got talked into staying. What irritates me the most is not that people didn't support me but that I didn't have the courage to believe in what I wanted and go for it.

When I finished uni I didn't know what to do - I was so terrified of making a mistake that I was trapped - what I had thought I wanted I didn't - what I thought would make me happy, didn't... and I felt utterly miserable...

Eventually I found myself working at Specsavers (an opticians in Britain) and although the work was interesting, it wasn't enough - there was too much pressure to learn things I didn't want to learn (i.e. about specs and contact lenses etc)... I thought to myself that if I'm gonna put this much effort into it I may as well be doing something I *really* want to do.

So then when a nursery offered me a job to work in the babyroom for more money than I earned I just couldn't refuse.

And so, on Thursday I begin my new job. I moved house last week and my last day at work was on Saturday - so many changes are happening in my life right now and so it is a bit challenging. I have fears that maybe I threw away a perfectly good job. Maybe I won't be any happier at the nursery... so many what-ifs...

It is doubly scary because I am *finally* doing what I have dreamt of doing for so many years - what if it doesn't make me happy... that's a lot of pressure...

I know I love children - I know I love caring for people - it's what I enjoy the most - but is it going to be enough? Time will tell - I just hope it is because I don't want to have to go through another upheaval so soon...