I was talking to a friend last night about dreams and fears. She and I often go through similar issues around the same time - currently she is dealing with issues so scarily similar to the ones I was last week that when I was talking to her it was kinda like talking to myself!
Anyway - another similarity between her and myself is that we are both struggling with living what we have always dreamed of - that being writing. She is an incredibly talented writer, I have had the priviledge of reading some of her work (I would share some with you but it's in German) and look forward to the day when she let's go of her fears of not being good enough and simply writes! Which got me to thinking about my own writing dreams.
I love to write, always have and always will. I go through stages where I write incredible amounts of work and others where I just block off the creatvity and don't write a darned thing. I took the step a couple of months back of finally setting up a couple of blogs to showcase some of my poetry and some of my children's stories. This took a lot of courage, for me, because I was afraid that no one would see them or like them or even they might be "stolen". This was a fear I had to get over because I know they are good, they have touched a lot of people in the past and as for being "stolen" - well that's a risk I finally decided I was willing to take.
But I have bigger dreams. I wanted to self-publish a little book of my poems, just to share between close friends and family and perhaps make an extra bob or two - nothing major. I also dreamed of setting up my own mini-business, perhaps on ebay, offering personalised poetry - where I would offer to write a poem based on someone else's requirements - say for a birthday, wedding, whatever. I also dreamt of perhaps creating some artwork with my poetry... All these things would be wonderful, but they take time and again courage and this fear that I won't be good enough pops up yet again...
I think it's time I got out my EFT book, started tapping these fears and bit the bullet. And for fear of getting no replies - as it's delurking week and I have been delurking all over the place - if I have any readers, please leave a comment to help my poor little ego feel better ;o)
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Thursday, 11 January 2007
Tuesday, 9 January 2007
Breakthrough!
Ok, so I started this blog because I wanted somewhere to write about finally living my dream (and I didn't want to be a total stranger to those who may want to see who the heck this weird person is who keeps posting comments on their blogs lol). But somehow it seems to have been moaning all the way. And this is part of my major breakthrough...
I've been depressed on and off for about 5 years now... but unwilling to admit it until recently because I simply couldn't accept it about myself. Yet I knew I was depressed and desperately trying to find a way out - I would wake up feeling sick and wishing I wasn't where I was - be that home, uni, Germany, Russia... but what I didn't fully understand was all my "if onlys" were completely empty.
When I was in Russia, for example, I would think "if only I were in England I'd be happier" or "If only I could speak the language better I'd find this easier". When I was at uni I'd think "If only I was working and not at uni" or "If only I'd had the courage to leave when I was in my second year"
But when those "if onlys" came true I found that actually I was no happier than before - and so my blog became a bit of a moan fest rather than a celebration of finally being somewhere I have always truly dreamed of being.
This past week I did some real soul searching and suddenly what I had believed in theory for so long suddenly really hit home and I finally "got it".
In recent weeks/months I've been trying to be honest with those around me about how I have been feeling. This has caused much upset for many people because I am suddenly no longer hiding the depth of my emotion and saying "actually I hurt" and at the same time I have been healing because I am honouring my feelings. It's still hard but I am beginning to learn that it is ok to feel sad, to feel angry, but more importantly that it is ok to make "mistakes".
This is something I could never do before and I always had to get it right first time... I placed pressures upon myself which didn't exist and which made me truly unhappy. I needed to succeed academically - I couldn't just do a degree I had to get a high mark. I couldn't just start a job - I had to be one of the best new employees they'd ever had and get it right straight away. I couldn't be my own person - I had to be the perfect friend, lodger, student etc even though such a thing doesn't exist.
Once I truly understood this about myself and truly acknowledged that these pressures were my own doing I suddenly had the power to change my perception and experience life differently. As I wrote to a friend yesterday:
Uni wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove to people (and myself) I could do it...
Specsavers wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove myself to people (and myself) I could do it...
(see the pattern)
My health isn't the problem - I am... my wallowing in it, my hiding behind it ("If I weren't so ill I'd do better" - the safety clause it offers me), my self-sabotaging behaviour (not taking herbs, vitamins, eating well...)
My parents aren't the problem - I am... my need to be perfect for them rather than being perfect for me, my need for them to grow with me rather than realising they have their own lives and lifepaths
And you know what all this means??
It means *I* have the power to change all this - *I* have the power to be happy, healthy and free
How empowering is that?
And so - even though nothing has changed around me - my perception has and suddenly things feel ok. I know that I will still have rough days - I know I will still hide behind old patterns - but that's ok - I accept that and hope to experience it as it comes.
And suddenly I feel so much more peaceful and I am getting rid of so much old clutter - I am currently swapping some crystals for a book with a friend, sending clothes which no longer fit me to the charity shop, realigning the energy in my room by use of plants, crystals and less clutter and am looking forward to my final reiki attunement :o)
Life is looking good and my greatest dream of being happy and loving myself finally look achieveable!
I've been depressed on and off for about 5 years now... but unwilling to admit it until recently because I simply couldn't accept it about myself. Yet I knew I was depressed and desperately trying to find a way out - I would wake up feeling sick and wishing I wasn't where I was - be that home, uni, Germany, Russia... but what I didn't fully understand was all my "if onlys" were completely empty.
When I was in Russia, for example, I would think "if only I were in England I'd be happier" or "If only I could speak the language better I'd find this easier". When I was at uni I'd think "If only I was working and not at uni" or "If only I'd had the courage to leave when I was in my second year"
But when those "if onlys" came true I found that actually I was no happier than before - and so my blog became a bit of a moan fest rather than a celebration of finally being somewhere I have always truly dreamed of being.
This past week I did some real soul searching and suddenly what I had believed in theory for so long suddenly really hit home and I finally "got it".
In recent weeks/months I've been trying to be honest with those around me about how I have been feeling. This has caused much upset for many people because I am suddenly no longer hiding the depth of my emotion and saying "actually I hurt" and at the same time I have been healing because I am honouring my feelings. It's still hard but I am beginning to learn that it is ok to feel sad, to feel angry, but more importantly that it is ok to make "mistakes".
This is something I could never do before and I always had to get it right first time... I placed pressures upon myself which didn't exist and which made me truly unhappy. I needed to succeed academically - I couldn't just do a degree I had to get a high mark. I couldn't just start a job - I had to be one of the best new employees they'd ever had and get it right straight away. I couldn't be my own person - I had to be the perfect friend, lodger, student etc even though such a thing doesn't exist.
Once I truly understood this about myself and truly acknowledged that these pressures were my own doing I suddenly had the power to change my perception and experience life differently. As I wrote to a friend yesterday:
Uni wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove to people (and myself) I could do it...
Specsavers wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove myself to people (and myself) I could do it...
(see the pattern)
My health isn't the problem - I am... my wallowing in it, my hiding behind it ("If I weren't so ill I'd do better" - the safety clause it offers me), my self-sabotaging behaviour (not taking herbs, vitamins, eating well...)
My parents aren't the problem - I am... my need to be perfect for them rather than being perfect for me, my need for them to grow with me rather than realising they have their own lives and lifepaths
And you know what all this means??
It means *I* have the power to change all this - *I* have the power to be happy, healthy and free
How empowering is that?
And so - even though nothing has changed around me - my perception has and suddenly things feel ok. I know that I will still have rough days - I know I will still hide behind old patterns - but that's ok - I accept that and hope to experience it as it comes.
And suddenly I feel so much more peaceful and I am getting rid of so much old clutter - I am currently swapping some crystals for a book with a friend, sending clothes which no longer fit me to the charity shop, realigning the energy in my room by use of plants, crystals and less clutter and am looking forward to my final reiki attunement :o)
Life is looking good and my greatest dream of being happy and loving myself finally look achieveable!
Monday, 11 December 2006
What kind of Love are you looking for?
Further to my post a few days ago about yearning for love, I had a discussion with a close friend of mine over on Shinin Hearts. When asked what I was truly looking for in a man, my answer gave out a lot of answers to what was actually going on.
We discovered that my dream of Love is actually more one of companionship than of a romantic and passionate relationship. And as such I am actually receiving this companionship in the men in my life. Men to me are companions through and through.
We discussed this further and how I have always imagined love to be much more companionable - someone to talk to, share my dreams with, be financially and emotionally stable with - than passionate and romantic. In fact, we discovered, on reflection of what I was saying, that I actually fear that kind of relationship.
For some reason I have an utter fear of letting go - I can't even let close friends see me cry - or even lose my temper in front of people... so how on earth I expect to let go and let my emotions and sexual responses carry me along in a relationship I do not know...
This has worried me for a while - I have never wanted the beginnings of a relationship - rather the stability of knowing someone well...
But that cannot happen - and has not and will not, I am sure...
So... with this in mind I am currently considering doing something like taking up belly dancing lessons or even just normal dancing lessons, to help me connect with a more passionate side of myself. I've just got to find a class and a bit of courage now...
We discovered that my dream of Love is actually more one of companionship than of a romantic and passionate relationship. And as such I am actually receiving this companionship in the men in my life. Men to me are companions through and through.
We discussed this further and how I have always imagined love to be much more companionable - someone to talk to, share my dreams with, be financially and emotionally stable with - than passionate and romantic. In fact, we discovered, on reflection of what I was saying, that I actually fear that kind of relationship.
For some reason I have an utter fear of letting go - I can't even let close friends see me cry - or even lose my temper in front of people... so how on earth I expect to let go and let my emotions and sexual responses carry me along in a relationship I do not know...
This has worried me for a while - I have never wanted the beginnings of a relationship - rather the stability of knowing someone well...
But that cannot happen - and has not and will not, I am sure...
So... with this in mind I am currently considering doing something like taking up belly dancing lessons or even just normal dancing lessons, to help me connect with a more passionate side of myself. I've just got to find a class and a bit of courage now...
Monday, 4 December 2006
Blogging overload...
I'm in full swing - my third post in 24 hours - boy when I get going I really get going lol
I had the worst night ever last night - couldn't sleep cos I had such a sore throat my teeth ache - how weird is that?! As such when I did sleep I had the weirdest dreams. I actually often have weird draems and they're usually related to my thought processes of the time... so I wonder what these dreams are related to...? The first one I can remember revolved around me going to the doctor's for something (with my mum and little sister in tow) and finding out I was pregnant with twins (I even saw them on the scan!) The worst (or perhaps best entertainment wise) part of this dream was the fact that I kept think "how can this have happened - I haven't slept with anyone?!?!?! I was racking my brains in my dream so hard trying to think if I had possibly come into contact with any man long enough to have done anything which could have resulted in my being pregnant that I woke up thinking I was expecting too rofl!!! I then went on to dream about random things as being pulled out to sea by the undercurrent and having to be saved with a little help from a friend and also having to tell my dad that my sister and mum were going to bed at 7:15pm so they wouldn't be able to unlock the door for him when he got home - I love my dreams they are soooo funny sometimes... however after all of those dreams I was quite ready to get up at 4am rather than waiting that extra hour until the hour I had planned to get up...
But I didn't - I used that time wisely to think things through and I realised that I don't need to stop dreaming of the future full stop to live in the now - I simply have to organise (so to speak) my dream list - into dreams for the future and dreams I can live right now... so that's what I'm gonna do:
In fact - let's start with the ones I've already done/am already living...
Have Lived
Live in another country - done in 2004/2005 in both Germany and Russia
Volunteer - done in Germany (old people's home) and summers '03/'04/'06 (week long camp for disabled girls)
Living Now
Work with children
Live in Cambridge
Publish my poetry and children's stories online
Dreams I could live now
Improve my knitting/crochet skills
Take up photography
Exercise more
Dreams for the near(ish) future
Move into my own place
Find a partner (this is a must for my sanity - lol - and for some of the dreams for the future)
Go on holiday
Improve my German
Dreams for the future
Have a family
Publish my work in print form
Live more ecologically minded
Learn to dance
Put music to my poetry (either by learning to play myself or working with a musically gifted person)
Dreams I have which might never come true and which I accept (just about lol)
Be organised
Be a tidy person
This list is a work in progress - it is really good to look at my dreams this way - it helps to see what I have already achieved and what is actually achieveable now - so I spend less time dreaming of it and more time living it... the exercise of writing the list also helped me to look within and really work out what it was that I really wanted. Anyone else fancy trying it?
On another note - I can't quite decide what to do with the look of this blog... it seems a bit plain to me - I like having it more personalised - but I just don't know what to do with this one... any ideas?!
I had the worst night ever last night - couldn't sleep cos I had such a sore throat my teeth ache - how weird is that?! As such when I did sleep I had the weirdest dreams. I actually often have weird draems and they're usually related to my thought processes of the time... so I wonder what these dreams are related to...? The first one I can remember revolved around me going to the doctor's for something (with my mum and little sister in tow) and finding out I was pregnant with twins (I even saw them on the scan!) The worst (or perhaps best entertainment wise) part of this dream was the fact that I kept think "how can this have happened - I haven't slept with anyone?!?!?! I was racking my brains in my dream so hard trying to think if I had possibly come into contact with any man long enough to have done anything which could have resulted in my being pregnant that I woke up thinking I was expecting too rofl!!! I then went on to dream about random things as being pulled out to sea by the undercurrent and having to be saved with a little help from a friend and also having to tell my dad that my sister and mum were going to bed at 7:15pm so they wouldn't be able to unlock the door for him when he got home - I love my dreams they are soooo funny sometimes... however after all of those dreams I was quite ready to get up at 4am rather than waiting that extra hour until the hour I had planned to get up...
But I didn't - I used that time wisely to think things through and I realised that I don't need to stop dreaming of the future full stop to live in the now - I simply have to organise (so to speak) my dream list - into dreams for the future and dreams I can live right now... so that's what I'm gonna do:
In fact - let's start with the ones I've already done/am already living...
Have Lived
Live in another country - done in 2004/2005 in both Germany and Russia
Volunteer - done in Germany (old people's home) and summers '03/'04/'06 (week long camp for disabled girls)
Living Now
Work with children
Live in Cambridge
Publish my poetry and children's stories online
Dreams I could live now
Improve my knitting/crochet skills
Take up photography
Exercise more
Dreams for the near(ish) future
Move into my own place
Find a partner (this is a must for my sanity - lol - and for some of the dreams for the future)
Go on holiday
Improve my German
Dreams for the future
Have a family
Publish my work in print form
Live more ecologically minded
Learn to dance
Put music to my poetry (either by learning to play myself or working with a musically gifted person)
Dreams I have which might never come true and which I accept (just about lol)
Be organised
Be a tidy person
This list is a work in progress - it is really good to look at my dreams this way - it helps to see what I have already achieved and what is actually achieveable now - so I spend less time dreaming of it and more time living it... the exercise of writing the list also helped me to look within and really work out what it was that I really wanted. Anyone else fancy trying it?
On another note - I can't quite decide what to do with the look of this blog... it seems a bit plain to me - I like having it more personalised - but I just don't know what to do with this one... any ideas?!
Wednesday, 22 November 2006
Today's the last day...
Tomorrow I begin working at the nursery - so today is the last day of dreaming before I begin living the dream tomorrow... I am so excited and yet... so not.
I feel like I should be more excited - maybe I'm not because I don't want to expect too much. Maybe it's because I still have loads to do today. Maybe it's just apprehension taking over. Far too often I miss out on the excitement because I overanalyse and worry far too much about what could go wrong... something I am trying to change.
So many fears - will I be good at it? Will I like it? Will they like me?
I guess only time will tell... and for now I should be getting on with all my bits and bobs.
Today I have to go to the doctors for a new-patient check and also to get a dodgy mole checked which I've had for years but it just keep playing on my mind... then I really wanted to go on the bus to the hospital to time the journey and also find my way through the hospital grounds, and then I need to go to Tesco to buy some essentials... just gotta work out which order to do it all in...
I feel like I should be more excited - maybe I'm not because I don't want to expect too much. Maybe it's because I still have loads to do today. Maybe it's just apprehension taking over. Far too often I miss out on the excitement because I overanalyse and worry far too much about what could go wrong... something I am trying to change.
So many fears - will I be good at it? Will I like it? Will they like me?
I guess only time will tell... and for now I should be getting on with all my bits and bobs.
Today I have to go to the doctors for a new-patient check and also to get a dodgy mole checked which I've had for years but it just keep playing on my mind... then I really wanted to go on the bus to the hospital to time the journey and also find my way through the hospital grounds, and then I need to go to Tesco to buy some essentials... just gotta work out which order to do it all in...
Tuesday, 21 November 2006
Living the Dream
For years I have dreamed of working with children. As a child my favourite thing to do was play with my dolls and pretend to get married and have kids! Then when my mum became a childminder when I was 9 I just knew I wanted to work with kids. My mind was set up and I dreamed of one day becoming a school teacher...
That is until I reached my GCSE years and began thinking about my options for the future. When telling my teachers I was planning on staying in my hometown to train as a teacher I was told over and over again "You should go to university first, you are capable of it". I didn't want to go to university... but it seemed that people just assumed I would go - I was clever and that was that...
I became really depressed in my final year at school - and dropped from getting straight A's to failing my resits - all because I gave up trying... I didn't want to go to university - the idea terrified me and I didn't have a passion to study there at all... as it was I chose the uni for its campus before I'd even decided what to study.
Going to uni was the hardest thing I have ever done - possibly the best thing I ever did to begin with - making me become independent and all that... but once I had overcome my fears of leaving home uni held nothing for me. Oh, I got the best out of it I could - I worked in Germany, studied in Russia, visited other countries and developed my internet capabilities and began writing more and more... but my heart wasn't in the academic side of things and I felt stifled, pressurised and miserable.
I couldn't wait for uni to end - I almost left in my second year but got talked into staying. What irritates me the most is not that people didn't support me but that I didn't have the courage to believe in what I wanted and go for it.
When I finished uni I didn't know what to do - I was so terrified of making a mistake that I was trapped - what I had thought I wanted I didn't - what I thought would make me happy, didn't... and I felt utterly miserable...
Eventually I found myself working at Specsavers (an opticians in Britain) and although the work was interesting, it wasn't enough - there was too much pressure to learn things I didn't want to learn (i.e. about specs and contact lenses etc)... I thought to myself that if I'm gonna put this much effort into it I may as well be doing something I *really* want to do.
So then when a nursery offered me a job to work in the babyroom for more money than I earned I just couldn't refuse.
And so, on Thursday I begin my new job. I moved house last week and my last day at work was on Saturday - so many changes are happening in my life right now and so it is a bit challenging. I have fears that maybe I threw away a perfectly good job. Maybe I won't be any happier at the nursery... so many what-ifs...
It is doubly scary because I am *finally* doing what I have dreamt of doing for so many years - what if it doesn't make me happy... that's a lot of pressure...
I know I love children - I know I love caring for people - it's what I enjoy the most - but is it going to be enough? Time will tell - I just hope it is because I don't want to have to go through another upheaval so soon...
That is until I reached my GCSE years and began thinking about my options for the future. When telling my teachers I was planning on staying in my hometown to train as a teacher I was told over and over again "You should go to university first, you are capable of it". I didn't want to go to university... but it seemed that people just assumed I would go - I was clever and that was that...
I became really depressed in my final year at school - and dropped from getting straight A's to failing my resits - all because I gave up trying... I didn't want to go to university - the idea terrified me and I didn't have a passion to study there at all... as it was I chose the uni for its campus before I'd even decided what to study.
Going to uni was the hardest thing I have ever done - possibly the best thing I ever did to begin with - making me become independent and all that... but once I had overcome my fears of leaving home uni held nothing for me. Oh, I got the best out of it I could - I worked in Germany, studied in Russia, visited other countries and developed my internet capabilities and began writing more and more... but my heart wasn't in the academic side of things and I felt stifled, pressurised and miserable.
I couldn't wait for uni to end - I almost left in my second year but got talked into staying. What irritates me the most is not that people didn't support me but that I didn't have the courage to believe in what I wanted and go for it.
When I finished uni I didn't know what to do - I was so terrified of making a mistake that I was trapped - what I had thought I wanted I didn't - what I thought would make me happy, didn't... and I felt utterly miserable...
Eventually I found myself working at Specsavers (an opticians in Britain) and although the work was interesting, it wasn't enough - there was too much pressure to learn things I didn't want to learn (i.e. about specs and contact lenses etc)... I thought to myself that if I'm gonna put this much effort into it I may as well be doing something I *really* want to do.
So then when a nursery offered me a job to work in the babyroom for more money than I earned I just couldn't refuse.
And so, on Thursday I begin my new job. I moved house last week and my last day at work was on Saturday - so many changes are happening in my life right now and so it is a bit challenging. I have fears that maybe I threw away a perfectly good job. Maybe I won't be any happier at the nursery... so many what-ifs...
It is doubly scary because I am *finally* doing what I have dreamt of doing for so many years - what if it doesn't make me happy... that's a lot of pressure...
I know I love children - I know I love caring for people - it's what I enjoy the most - but is it going to be enough? Time will tell - I just hope it is because I don't want to have to go through another upheaval so soon...
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