Omg it was the funniest thing - I was sat on the bus coming home from work and the bus had stopped to let some passengers off. As it began to move again and I was rocked by the sudden movement I suddenly thought "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" with all the enthusiasm of a kid discovering the delights of being pushed on a swing or going down a slide for the first time - I then proceeded to crack up over this reaction and how good it felt to feel good!
Today was a strange day. It began with waking up having had very little sleep and sitting on the bus fighting my eyes which kept closing and drifting in that inbetween space where you are not fully asleep but you're not fully awake either and you think something is happening but it's not until you are jolted awake that you realise that you had imagined it... you know what I mean?
Anyway, on my trip through the hospital (which I have to walk through to get to the nursery) I dropped off at the shop and bought a smoothie in the hopes that chugging one of those down whilst battling what felt like gale force winds between the hospital and the nursery I might somehow find some energy... and it worked... I didn't feel tired once at work today - not that I ever had time to!
We usually have 4 staff in our room but one is off sick and another only works a half day on Thursdays - so we had an agency worker come in. So basically she just did as she was asked whilst we ran around doing the stuff like nappies, making bottles of milk etc - problematic at the best of times, what with the nursery never having enough bottles and me not being police checked yet and unable to be left in a room alone with any of the kids. So I spent most my day running between the room and the milk kitchen, washing, sterlising and making up around 12 bottles at a time *phew*.
I was late to lunch and then arrived back in time to be sent running round the nursery to tell everyone that Ofsted (the government inspectors for schools and childcarers) had arrived and the rooms needed to be tidied asap and to then run around trying to get everyone fed, cleaned and ready to go home - it was hectic to say the least!
But I do love my work - however many shortcoming the nursery itself has I love working with the babies and chatting with the parents and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. I even voluntarily worked an hour and a half overtime today, not leaving until 7pm in order to have time to change the wall display to make a nice colourful and artistic way to display the rainbow collages we made earlier this week :o)
I then came home, in a really good mood, pleased with my work, to find that my reiki master had replied to my message and I am having my master level attunement tomorrow evening :o) and also to find some new comments on my blog -whoopee!!!
And it is Friday tomorrow - meaning that the clearing of my room (which is a tip and which I reall want to clear as the energies are blocked), the sorting through of my belongings and bagging up of stuff for the charity shop (again to move the energies and release ties to the past) and the posting of the crystals I am sending to my friend in return for the book she is sending me can all happen! :o)
I feel good and I feel good for feeling good... and I again feel like saying "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Thursday, 11 January 2007
Friday, 8 December 2006
Sick again :o(
I am sooo ill... I have had this cold for most of this week and although it has been hard work coping with the long days it hasn't been the worst... until today...
I slept through two alarm clocks somehow and woke up 25 minutes after I should have started work!! And work is an hour away!! So I called in, apologised profusely and assured them I'd be in by the time the late shift started and ran out the door to catch my bus. Only when I got on the bus did I realise I had left my snacks at home so I had no breakfast and no chance to go buy anything for my morning break.
So in my morning break I drank half a cup of tea - which I never drink but I needed something to keep me going... and then finally managed to force down a jacket potato at lunch around 1pm. I then had to work until 6:15 which was a killer... because I really do feel like crap.
My sinuses are clearing but that means I am blowing my nose every 5 minutes and it is making me a bit dizzy - I have a chesty cough and every time I cough I retch and my head shoots with pain, my glands are all swollen and my joints all ache. Add to that the fact that my job involves running between feeding, changing, interacting with and reassuring a room full of 12 babies under the age of 1 - well you can guess how fun my day was!!
My unit leader kept saying "are you sure you're alright?" "You're not your usual self" "You're really poorly, I wish I could make you feel better!" She is a darling and I love her!! She told me that if I still feel ill by Monday to not bother going in. When I replied that I felt bad because I'd already had two days off and have only been there two weeks she told me that if I was worried they might sack me not to be because that ain't gonna happen... does that mean she thinks I'm worth keeping??
Anyway - half the problem with taking time off is that I don't get paid any sick pay. My housemate didn't believe me when I told him this and almost demanded to see my contract lol. It is really crappy - cos I cannot afford to miss work unless I am really ill - like when I couldn't keep anything down and possibly like today...
My housemate keeps telling me to go back to the doctors because there must be something they can do to help boost my immune system - but my uncle has given me a load of herbs to help with that and my experience with the doctors in this area is that they believe there isn't much they can do and we should just keep going... either I've had really rubbish doctors or I'm just not strong enough to say "this is really crap I need help!"
Anyway - all plans I had for the weekend have been scrapped and I'm just gonna spend the time lazing around the house, with hot drinks (made by my housemate - bless him he's a darling) and cuddling a hot water bottle and watching seasonal films! Sounds good!
I slept through two alarm clocks somehow and woke up 25 minutes after I should have started work!! And work is an hour away!! So I called in, apologised profusely and assured them I'd be in by the time the late shift started and ran out the door to catch my bus. Only when I got on the bus did I realise I had left my snacks at home so I had no breakfast and no chance to go buy anything for my morning break.
So in my morning break I drank half a cup of tea - which I never drink but I needed something to keep me going... and then finally managed to force down a jacket potato at lunch around 1pm. I then had to work until 6:15 which was a killer... because I really do feel like crap.
My sinuses are clearing but that means I am blowing my nose every 5 minutes and it is making me a bit dizzy - I have a chesty cough and every time I cough I retch and my head shoots with pain, my glands are all swollen and my joints all ache. Add to that the fact that my job involves running between feeding, changing, interacting with and reassuring a room full of 12 babies under the age of 1 - well you can guess how fun my day was!!
My unit leader kept saying "are you sure you're alright?" "You're not your usual self" "You're really poorly, I wish I could make you feel better!" She is a darling and I love her!! She told me that if I still feel ill by Monday to not bother going in. When I replied that I felt bad because I'd already had two days off and have only been there two weeks she told me that if I was worried they might sack me not to be because that ain't gonna happen... does that mean she thinks I'm worth keeping??
Anyway - half the problem with taking time off is that I don't get paid any sick pay. My housemate didn't believe me when I told him this and almost demanded to see my contract lol. It is really crappy - cos I cannot afford to miss work unless I am really ill - like when I couldn't keep anything down and possibly like today...
My housemate keeps telling me to go back to the doctors because there must be something they can do to help boost my immune system - but my uncle has given me a load of herbs to help with that and my experience with the doctors in this area is that they believe there isn't much they can do and we should just keep going... either I've had really rubbish doctors or I'm just not strong enough to say "this is really crap I need help!"
Anyway - all plans I had for the weekend have been scrapped and I'm just gonna spend the time lazing around the house, with hot drinks (made by my housemate - bless him he's a darling) and cuddling a hot water bottle and watching seasonal films! Sounds good!
Wednesday, 6 December 2006
Back to childcare
It struck me today that my blog has become a bit random - rather than focusing on living the dream of working in childcare which I had intended it to be (though of course usually what I intend for things to be is never what they actually turn out to be so I don't know why I was so surprised!).
So back to the childcare...
Today I turned up to find two workers in a room with 16 yes that's 16 babies!!! We're supposed to be a ratio of 1:3 - so much for that - today unit 1 had 18 babies and unit 2 had 11 (unit 2, my unit, managed to meet the ratio target but unit 1 didn't!)
What annoyes us the most is that we had new parents coming in for a visit to see what the nursery was about and so we had to hide the fact that we had 6 more children than we should have in one unit... one was handed over to our unit and the other 5 sent to another room with an assistant - I mean, seriously, how crap is that?!?!?!
However there is an upside to working at the nursery - we had a staff meeting today (at 6:15pm I might add when I finished my shift at 4:45 and had to sit around doing nothing for an hour and a half!) where we were introduced to the new planning concepts and key workers schemes which will be put in place from January - this means each employee will have 3 or 4 children within a certain age range for which they have to plan activities for each day of the week to cover the 4 target areas of the government's Birth to Three Matters framework. This really excites me because it means I will be more involved in planning for the intellectualy, social, emotional and physical needs and development of a specific group of children and get to do observation work and feedback to the parents more!
Most of the assistants were unhappy about these changes, about all the paperwork involved etc - but I am used to doing paperwork - when I worked in the care home in Germany I had to document every single activity I did with any of the residents - it makes sense and I prefer it that way - it means you actively play a role in the welfare of those in your care rather than simply going along day-by-day... something that I think is extremely important in an environment such as the nursery where it is often difficult to spend quality time with all the babies. This new scheme should really help us to make sure each child receives at greater standard of care each and every day rather than simply being fed, changed and having a cuddle here and there...
Another plus is that we will soon be learning baby yoga, baby massage and baby sign-language... three things I am so very excited about I cannot begin to tell you... and not only are we learning how to do them - we are actually doing certificated courses in them!! And it's all part of the job!!
Oh how I love my work - even if there are aspects I hate - the other bits sure make up for it!
So back to the childcare...
Today I turned up to find two workers in a room with 16 yes that's 16 babies!!! We're supposed to be a ratio of 1:3 - so much for that - today unit 1 had 18 babies and unit 2 had 11 (unit 2, my unit, managed to meet the ratio target but unit 1 didn't!)
What annoyes us the most is that we had new parents coming in for a visit to see what the nursery was about and so we had to hide the fact that we had 6 more children than we should have in one unit... one was handed over to our unit and the other 5 sent to another room with an assistant - I mean, seriously, how crap is that?!?!?!
However there is an upside to working at the nursery - we had a staff meeting today (at 6:15pm I might add when I finished my shift at 4:45 and had to sit around doing nothing for an hour and a half!) where we were introduced to the new planning concepts and key workers schemes which will be put in place from January - this means each employee will have 3 or 4 children within a certain age range for which they have to plan activities for each day of the week to cover the 4 target areas of the government's Birth to Three Matters framework. This really excites me because it means I will be more involved in planning for the intellectualy, social, emotional and physical needs and development of a specific group of children and get to do observation work and feedback to the parents more!
Most of the assistants were unhappy about these changes, about all the paperwork involved etc - but I am used to doing paperwork - when I worked in the care home in Germany I had to document every single activity I did with any of the residents - it makes sense and I prefer it that way - it means you actively play a role in the welfare of those in your care rather than simply going along day-by-day... something that I think is extremely important in an environment such as the nursery where it is often difficult to spend quality time with all the babies. This new scheme should really help us to make sure each child receives at greater standard of care each and every day rather than simply being fed, changed and having a cuddle here and there...
Another plus is that we will soon be learning baby yoga, baby massage and baby sign-language... three things I am so very excited about I cannot begin to tell you... and not only are we learning how to do them - we are actually doing certificated courses in them!! And it's all part of the job!!
Oh how I love my work - even if there are aspects I hate - the other bits sure make up for it!
Wednesday, 29 November 2006
Back to work tomorrow
I've actually been able to eat today with minimal nausea - so back to work tomorrow!
I'm feeling not to back emotionally now either - it's not been like that all day - I've had far too many people, including my closest friend and family responding with the usual "that's life" and "you've always been this way" from my family to "no you haven't been depressed for years, I've never seen you this way" from my friend. I guess that shows how well and little they all know me all at the same time...
They know I am the sort of person who just keeps going and they know that I know all the things they are saying - but what they don't often realise or, so I suspect, aren't willing to accept, is that it's knowing these things and what they expect from me that makes me shut off how I'm feeling and just keep pushing...
I know everything is ok in reality. I know that people love me. I know that life is hard sometimes - I've lived it - and I've pushed myself beyond my comfort zones so many times. I know I have incredible strength and achieve some incredible stuff. I know I have the strength and courage to face my fears and create a better life for myself - I have done so for many years now...
But right now I have no energy to do so. I don't have any energy left from all that pushing and all that struggling I've done in recent years and my body and my emotions cannot cope any more - I cannot go on with the same stamina - in fact I sometimes wonder how I'll get out of bed and face the day...
Yet because I have always done so - however crap I have felt - people expect me to just do so and think my moaning is purely that - moaning - with no real meaning behind it... cos sure, I've moaned lots and to be fair I never do anything about it because I always feel the need to keep going and sort it out... so I moan and then I face it...
So I can't blame people for not understanding me now, not understanding the deep need I have to stop and break and just be and heal myself a bit... how can they know just how exhausted I am when I do keep going...
I told my mum a while back I was so tempted to quit work and trust I'd work it all out and I got slated for it... completely... so I didn't... I wonder what would happen if I did one day just stop getting out of bed and just look after myself as people keep telling me I should... because quite frankly I can't look after myself any more than I already am doing without taking such a drastic step...
Yet I wouldn't do that anyway - cos I have too much pride to do so, too much fear of what people would think...
I wonder - would it take such drastic action for people to take me seriously?
However - I am going back to work tomorrow - life goes on and so do I! Let'shope it's a good day and things begin to pick up a bit... there's always hope isn't there?!
I'm feeling not to back emotionally now either - it's not been like that all day - I've had far too many people, including my closest friend and family responding with the usual "that's life" and "you've always been this way" from my family to "no you haven't been depressed for years, I've never seen you this way" from my friend. I guess that shows how well and little they all know me all at the same time...
They know I am the sort of person who just keeps going and they know that I know all the things they are saying - but what they don't often realise or, so I suspect, aren't willing to accept, is that it's knowing these things and what they expect from me that makes me shut off how I'm feeling and just keep pushing...
I know everything is ok in reality. I know that people love me. I know that life is hard sometimes - I've lived it - and I've pushed myself beyond my comfort zones so many times. I know I have incredible strength and achieve some incredible stuff. I know I have the strength and courage to face my fears and create a better life for myself - I have done so for many years now...
But right now I have no energy to do so. I don't have any energy left from all that pushing and all that struggling I've done in recent years and my body and my emotions cannot cope any more - I cannot go on with the same stamina - in fact I sometimes wonder how I'll get out of bed and face the day...
Yet because I have always done so - however crap I have felt - people expect me to just do so and think my moaning is purely that - moaning - with no real meaning behind it... cos sure, I've moaned lots and to be fair I never do anything about it because I always feel the need to keep going and sort it out... so I moan and then I face it...
So I can't blame people for not understanding me now, not understanding the deep need I have to stop and break and just be and heal myself a bit... how can they know just how exhausted I am when I do keep going...
I told my mum a while back I was so tempted to quit work and trust I'd work it all out and I got slated for it... completely... so I didn't... I wonder what would happen if I did one day just stop getting out of bed and just look after myself as people keep telling me I should... because quite frankly I can't look after myself any more than I already am doing without taking such a drastic step...
Yet I wouldn't do that anyway - cos I have too much pride to do so, too much fear of what people would think...
I wonder - would it take such drastic action for people to take me seriously?
However - I am going back to work tomorrow - life goes on and so do I! Let'shope it's a good day and things begin to pick up a bit... there's always hope isn't there?!
Tuesday, 28 November 2006
Sick
Well I called in sick today... I still feel really rotten - managed to force down some porridge oats and water this morning and a tiny bit of chocolate of all things but that's it...
I have to call the nursery by 3:30 to let them know how it's going... eeek and I have a doctor's appointment at 3:50 today - hopefully he will be able to a) check my dodgy mole once and for all and put my mind at ease about that and b) suggest why I'm feeling this crappy... well actually I know why - I've run myself down for far too long - but it'd be helpful if I could perhaps get retested for things like anaemia, and discuss this whole IBS theory cos really all I got was "I think you have this, here try these tablets" and that was that... no help in sorting my diet out, nothing... so I think I need a long chat with the doctor to work out what I'm doing...
I am really torn today - between staying here and enjoying my independence (I'm finally out of uni, living in a shared house, working with kids and look at me - I'm unhappy) and going home to live with my parents for a bit.
I tried that after uni - my plan was to go home for a few months, rest a bit after wearing myself out so much, and then have lower stress levels and earn some money and get some work experience without having to use all my wages for rent... at home my parents would only take a small percentage - to help me get out of my student debt and on my feet...
But my relationship with my mum is so strained - we just don't see eye to eye at the moment, and she is ill, my sister is still at home and ill and depressed, my dad is stressed with work - I couldn't hack it in the summer and just had to get away... I don't want to get stuck back at home as I know I could...
Also I've made connections here in Cambridge - I don't want to lose them so soon...
But I just feel like maybe going home for a bit and being able to maybe cut down my hours a bit might be beneficial in the long run, giving me chance to sort my health and emotions out a bit...
I just don't know what to do - I love Cambridge... but I don't know how much joy is really gonna be in my life whilst I'm struggling so much to cope... going back to Lincoln is like a kick in the gut and like going backwards - but maybe it'd be worth it...
Think I'll wait and see what the doctor says...
I have to call the nursery by 3:30 to let them know how it's going... eeek and I have a doctor's appointment at 3:50 today - hopefully he will be able to a) check my dodgy mole once and for all and put my mind at ease about that and b) suggest why I'm feeling this crappy... well actually I know why - I've run myself down for far too long - but it'd be helpful if I could perhaps get retested for things like anaemia, and discuss this whole IBS theory cos really all I got was "I think you have this, here try these tablets" and that was that... no help in sorting my diet out, nothing... so I think I need a long chat with the doctor to work out what I'm doing...
I am really torn today - between staying here and enjoying my independence (I'm finally out of uni, living in a shared house, working with kids and look at me - I'm unhappy) and going home to live with my parents for a bit.
I tried that after uni - my plan was to go home for a few months, rest a bit after wearing myself out so much, and then have lower stress levels and earn some money and get some work experience without having to use all my wages for rent... at home my parents would only take a small percentage - to help me get out of my student debt and on my feet...
But my relationship with my mum is so strained - we just don't see eye to eye at the moment, and she is ill, my sister is still at home and ill and depressed, my dad is stressed with work - I couldn't hack it in the summer and just had to get away... I don't want to get stuck back at home as I know I could...
Also I've made connections here in Cambridge - I don't want to lose them so soon...
But I just feel like maybe going home for a bit and being able to maybe cut down my hours a bit might be beneficial in the long run, giving me chance to sort my health and emotions out a bit...
I just don't know what to do - I love Cambridge... but I don't know how much joy is really gonna be in my life whilst I'm struggling so much to cope... going back to Lincoln is like a kick in the gut and like going backwards - but maybe it'd be worth it...
Think I'll wait and see what the doctor says...
Monday, 27 November 2006
Nursery is great - still feeling crap though :o(
I went in to work today - couldn't bear the thought of calling in sick on my third day - but I still felt very queasy and running between crying babies, trying to rock and soothe 2 babies at once whilst entertaining another, changing nappies and making up baby formula wasn't the best way to ease my nausea lol... Especially as the bus journey there had churned me up to begin with...
But it was still good to go in and see them all and find out that next week we're starting *drum roll please* Baby Yoga and Baby Massage... omg how excited am I?!?! I have been interested in those for aaaaaaaaages!!
I am however worried slightly about how quickly I fell ill... I shouldn't be surprised really... I mean my immune system is CRAP... always has been and I've had so many health and emotional issues over the past 4-5 years (more even if I count older issues) that I am so worn out my body can't cope... I knew I was burning out and my iridologist uncle confirmed it for me by pointing out that my body is not only failing to remove waste from my body but is actually reabsorbing it - making me ill... no wonder my digestion is so crappy...
But I didn't expect to be this ill, this quickly and it has really shaken me up... I feel like such a wuss - but I hate throwing up - in fact I have a phobia about it - a really, sweat inducing phobia... which caused me to have panic attacks around meal times and stop eating and become terribly underweight as a pre-teen... so last week was a nightmare... I thought I was doing so well coping with the baby puke - and I was... but now I worry all the time that I'll be ill...
I have always hated this aspect of myself... I LOVE caring for others, babies, elderly, disabled, friends... but when people throw up I can't stand it - I get all panicky and have more than once had to walk away leaving them in someone else's care...
It took me YEARS to come to terms with this and I still haven't completely... but at least I can tell people about it now - apparently there's even a name for it - emetophobia - actually finding that out and that I wasn't the only one helped me open up and tell people about it!
And so, in a weird way, I am blessed that the babies made me so ill I spent all of Friday night vomiting - cos it made me face my fear... although I hated it I actually felt a very strange small sense of pride in my ability to deal with it... so that was ok - I just don't want to do it again anytime soon lol
And I still feel ill - getting a reallytight chesty cough - no wonder - when you have up to 14 babies in one unit and two units to each room and they're all ill it's very likely you'll become ill... I am beginning to wonder how much more of this my body can take... I really don't want to give up - but I can't force my body to cope when it's already drowning somewhat...
I am so torn between my love of children and finally working with them and living my dream and my health and not wanting to feel so crap...
But it was still good to go in and see them all and find out that next week we're starting *drum roll please* Baby Yoga and Baby Massage... omg how excited am I?!?! I have been interested in those for aaaaaaaaages!!
I am however worried slightly about how quickly I fell ill... I shouldn't be surprised really... I mean my immune system is CRAP... always has been and I've had so many health and emotional issues over the past 4-5 years (more even if I count older issues) that I am so worn out my body can't cope... I knew I was burning out and my iridologist uncle confirmed it for me by pointing out that my body is not only failing to remove waste from my body but is actually reabsorbing it - making me ill... no wonder my digestion is so crappy...
But I didn't expect to be this ill, this quickly and it has really shaken me up... I feel like such a wuss - but I hate throwing up - in fact I have a phobia about it - a really, sweat inducing phobia... which caused me to have panic attacks around meal times and stop eating and become terribly underweight as a pre-teen... so last week was a nightmare... I thought I was doing so well coping with the baby puke - and I was... but now I worry all the time that I'll be ill...
I have always hated this aspect of myself... I LOVE caring for others, babies, elderly, disabled, friends... but when people throw up I can't stand it - I get all panicky and have more than once had to walk away leaving them in someone else's care...
It took me YEARS to come to terms with this and I still haven't completely... but at least I can tell people about it now - apparently there's even a name for it - emetophobia - actually finding that out and that I wasn't the only one helped me open up and tell people about it!
And so, in a weird way, I am blessed that the babies made me so ill I spent all of Friday night vomiting - cos it made me face my fear... although I hated it I actually felt a very strange small sense of pride in my ability to deal with it... so that was ok - I just don't want to do it again anytime soon lol
And I still feel ill - getting a reallytight chesty cough - no wonder - when you have up to 14 babies in one unit and two units to each room and they're all ill it's very likely you'll become ill... I am beginning to wonder how much more of this my body can take... I really don't want to give up - but I can't force my body to cope when it's already drowning somewhat...
I am so torn between my love of children and finally working with them and living my dream and my health and not wanting to feel so crap...
Sunday, 26 November 2006
Work is good - health is not...
My first two days were wonderful - I love working with babies - it's the first time I've ever felt good during my first day at a new place - it just seemed so natural to be with them...
However there is a sickness bug going around - so many babies puked on me and they were all crying and then Friday night I began throwing up too :o(
I spent all of yesterday in bed and have finally managed to make it out of bed today but still feel quite rough... just hoping I feel better by tomorrow - I've got to get the bus at 7am and won't get home til about 6pm... and I don't want to be dealing with babies when feeling this rough - but I also don't want to have to call in sick on my third day!
Oh well... I'm beginning to wonder if maybe this is the right place - hopefully that's just cos I feel so ill and haven't felt that great since I begun (health wise that is)... guess I gotta try patience and see what happens...
However there is a sickness bug going around - so many babies puked on me and they were all crying and then Friday night I began throwing up too :o(
I spent all of yesterday in bed and have finally managed to make it out of bed today but still feel quite rough... just hoping I feel better by tomorrow - I've got to get the bus at 7am and won't get home til about 6pm... and I don't want to be dealing with babies when feeling this rough - but I also don't want to have to call in sick on my third day!
Oh well... I'm beginning to wonder if maybe this is the right place - hopefully that's just cos I feel so ill and haven't felt that great since I begun (health wise that is)... guess I gotta try patience and see what happens...
Wednesday, 22 November 2006
Today's the last day...
Tomorrow I begin working at the nursery - so today is the last day of dreaming before I begin living the dream tomorrow... I am so excited and yet... so not.
I feel like I should be more excited - maybe I'm not because I don't want to expect too much. Maybe it's because I still have loads to do today. Maybe it's just apprehension taking over. Far too often I miss out on the excitement because I overanalyse and worry far too much about what could go wrong... something I am trying to change.
So many fears - will I be good at it? Will I like it? Will they like me?
I guess only time will tell... and for now I should be getting on with all my bits and bobs.
Today I have to go to the doctors for a new-patient check and also to get a dodgy mole checked which I've had for years but it just keep playing on my mind... then I really wanted to go on the bus to the hospital to time the journey and also find my way through the hospital grounds, and then I need to go to Tesco to buy some essentials... just gotta work out which order to do it all in...
I feel like I should be more excited - maybe I'm not because I don't want to expect too much. Maybe it's because I still have loads to do today. Maybe it's just apprehension taking over. Far too often I miss out on the excitement because I overanalyse and worry far too much about what could go wrong... something I am trying to change.
So many fears - will I be good at it? Will I like it? Will they like me?
I guess only time will tell... and for now I should be getting on with all my bits and bobs.
Today I have to go to the doctors for a new-patient check and also to get a dodgy mole checked which I've had for years but it just keep playing on my mind... then I really wanted to go on the bus to the hospital to time the journey and also find my way through the hospital grounds, and then I need to go to Tesco to buy some essentials... just gotta work out which order to do it all in...
Tuesday, 21 November 2006
Living the Dream
For years I have dreamed of working with children. As a child my favourite thing to do was play with my dolls and pretend to get married and have kids! Then when my mum became a childminder when I was 9 I just knew I wanted to work with kids. My mind was set up and I dreamed of one day becoming a school teacher...
That is until I reached my GCSE years and began thinking about my options for the future. When telling my teachers I was planning on staying in my hometown to train as a teacher I was told over and over again "You should go to university first, you are capable of it". I didn't want to go to university... but it seemed that people just assumed I would go - I was clever and that was that...
I became really depressed in my final year at school - and dropped from getting straight A's to failing my resits - all because I gave up trying... I didn't want to go to university - the idea terrified me and I didn't have a passion to study there at all... as it was I chose the uni for its campus before I'd even decided what to study.
Going to uni was the hardest thing I have ever done - possibly the best thing I ever did to begin with - making me become independent and all that... but once I had overcome my fears of leaving home uni held nothing for me. Oh, I got the best out of it I could - I worked in Germany, studied in Russia, visited other countries and developed my internet capabilities and began writing more and more... but my heart wasn't in the academic side of things and I felt stifled, pressurised and miserable.
I couldn't wait for uni to end - I almost left in my second year but got talked into staying. What irritates me the most is not that people didn't support me but that I didn't have the courage to believe in what I wanted and go for it.
When I finished uni I didn't know what to do - I was so terrified of making a mistake that I was trapped - what I had thought I wanted I didn't - what I thought would make me happy, didn't... and I felt utterly miserable...
Eventually I found myself working at Specsavers (an opticians in Britain) and although the work was interesting, it wasn't enough - there was too much pressure to learn things I didn't want to learn (i.e. about specs and contact lenses etc)... I thought to myself that if I'm gonna put this much effort into it I may as well be doing something I *really* want to do.
So then when a nursery offered me a job to work in the babyroom for more money than I earned I just couldn't refuse.
And so, on Thursday I begin my new job. I moved house last week and my last day at work was on Saturday - so many changes are happening in my life right now and so it is a bit challenging. I have fears that maybe I threw away a perfectly good job. Maybe I won't be any happier at the nursery... so many what-ifs...
It is doubly scary because I am *finally* doing what I have dreamt of doing for so many years - what if it doesn't make me happy... that's a lot of pressure...
I know I love children - I know I love caring for people - it's what I enjoy the most - but is it going to be enough? Time will tell - I just hope it is because I don't want to have to go through another upheaval so soon...
That is until I reached my GCSE years and began thinking about my options for the future. When telling my teachers I was planning on staying in my hometown to train as a teacher I was told over and over again "You should go to university first, you are capable of it". I didn't want to go to university... but it seemed that people just assumed I would go - I was clever and that was that...
I became really depressed in my final year at school - and dropped from getting straight A's to failing my resits - all because I gave up trying... I didn't want to go to university - the idea terrified me and I didn't have a passion to study there at all... as it was I chose the uni for its campus before I'd even decided what to study.
Going to uni was the hardest thing I have ever done - possibly the best thing I ever did to begin with - making me become independent and all that... but once I had overcome my fears of leaving home uni held nothing for me. Oh, I got the best out of it I could - I worked in Germany, studied in Russia, visited other countries and developed my internet capabilities and began writing more and more... but my heart wasn't in the academic side of things and I felt stifled, pressurised and miserable.
I couldn't wait for uni to end - I almost left in my second year but got talked into staying. What irritates me the most is not that people didn't support me but that I didn't have the courage to believe in what I wanted and go for it.
When I finished uni I didn't know what to do - I was so terrified of making a mistake that I was trapped - what I had thought I wanted I didn't - what I thought would make me happy, didn't... and I felt utterly miserable...
Eventually I found myself working at Specsavers (an opticians in Britain) and although the work was interesting, it wasn't enough - there was too much pressure to learn things I didn't want to learn (i.e. about specs and contact lenses etc)... I thought to myself that if I'm gonna put this much effort into it I may as well be doing something I *really* want to do.
So then when a nursery offered me a job to work in the babyroom for more money than I earned I just couldn't refuse.
And so, on Thursday I begin my new job. I moved house last week and my last day at work was on Saturday - so many changes are happening in my life right now and so it is a bit challenging. I have fears that maybe I threw away a perfectly good job. Maybe I won't be any happier at the nursery... so many what-ifs...
It is doubly scary because I am *finally* doing what I have dreamt of doing for so many years - what if it doesn't make me happy... that's a lot of pressure...
I know I love children - I know I love caring for people - it's what I enjoy the most - but is it going to be enough? Time will tell - I just hope it is because I don't want to have to go through another upheaval so soon...
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