Nursery is great - still feeling crap though :o(

I went in to work today - couldn't bear the thought of calling in sick on my third day - but I still felt very queasy and running between crying babies, trying to rock and soothe 2 babies at once whilst entertaining another, changing nappies and making up baby formula wasn't the best way to ease my nausea lol... Especially as the bus journey there had churned me up to begin with...

But it was still good to go in and see them all and find out that next week we're starting *drum roll please* Baby Yoga and Baby Massage... omg how excited am I?!?! I have been interested in those for aaaaaaaaages!!

I am however worried slightly about how quickly I fell ill... I shouldn't be surprised really... I mean my immune system is CRAP... always has been and I've had so many health and emotional issues over the past 4-5 years (more even if I count older issues) that I am so worn out my body can't cope... I knew I was burning out and my iridologist uncle confirmed it for me by pointing out that my body is not only failing to remove waste from my body but is actually reabsorbing it - making me ill... no wonder my digestion is so crappy...

But I didn't expect to be this ill, this quickly and it has really shaken me up... I feel like such a wuss - but I hate throwing up - in fact I have a phobia about it - a really, sweat inducing phobia... which caused me to have panic attacks around meal times and stop eating and become terribly underweight as a pre-teen... so last week was a nightmare... I thought I was doing so well coping with the baby puke - and I was... but now I worry all the time that I'll be ill...

I have always hated this aspect of myself... I LOVE caring for others, babies, elderly, disabled, friends... but when people throw up I can't stand it - I get all panicky and have more than once had to walk away leaving them in someone else's care...

It took me YEARS to come to terms with this and I still haven't completely... but at least I can tell people about it now - apparently there's even a name for it - emetophobia - actually finding that out and that I wasn't the only one helped me open up and tell people about it!

And so, in a weird way, I am blessed that the babies made me so ill I spent all of Friday night vomiting - cos it made me face my fear... although I hated it I actually felt a very strange small sense of pride in my ability to deal with it... so that was ok - I just don't want to do it again anytime soon lol

And I still feel ill - getting a reallytight chesty cough - no wonder - when you have up to 14 babies in one unit and two units to each room and they're all ill it's very likely you'll become ill... I am beginning to wonder how much more of this my body can take... I really don't want to give up - but I can't force my body to cope when it's already drowning somewhat...

I am so torn between my love of children and finally working with them and living my dream and my health and not wanting to feel so crap...