Breakthrough!

Ok, so I started this blog because I wanted somewhere to write about finally living my dream (and I didn't want to be a total stranger to those who may want to see who the heck this weird person is who keeps posting comments on their blogs lol). But somehow it seems to have been moaning all the way. And this is part of my major breakthrough...

I've been depressed on and off for about 5 years now... but unwilling to admit it until recently because I simply couldn't accept it about myself. Yet I knew I was depressed and desperately trying to find a way out - I would wake up feeling sick and wishing I wasn't where I was - be that home, uni, Germany, Russia... but what I didn't fully understand was all my "if onlys" were completely empty.

When I was in Russia, for example, I would think "if only I were in England I'd be happier" or "If only I could speak the language better I'd find this easier". When I was at uni I'd think "If only I was working and not at uni" or "If only I'd had the courage to leave when I was in my second year"

But when those "if onlys" came true I found that actually I was no happier than before - and so my blog became a bit of a moan fest rather than a celebration of finally being somewhere I have always truly dreamed of being.

This past week I did some real soul searching and suddenly what I had believed in theory for so long suddenly really hit home and I finally "got it".

In recent weeks/months I've been trying to be honest with those around me about how I have been feeling. This has caused much upset for many people because I am suddenly no longer hiding the depth of my emotion and saying "actually I hurt" and at the same time I have been healing because I am honouring my feelings. It's still hard but I am beginning to learn that it is ok to feel sad, to feel angry, but more importantly that it is ok to make "mistakes".

This is something I could never do before and I always had to get it right first time... I placed pressures upon myself which didn't exist and which made me truly unhappy. I needed to succeed academically - I couldn't just do a degree I had to get a high mark. I couldn't just start a job - I had to be one of the best new employees they'd ever had and get it right straight away. I couldn't be my own person - I had to be the perfect friend, lodger, student etc even though such a thing doesn't exist.

Once I truly understood this about myself and truly acknowledged that these pressures were my own doing I suddenly had the power to change my perception and experience life differently. As I wrote to a friend yesterday:

Uni wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove to people (and myself) I could do it...

Specsavers wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove myself to people (and myself) I could do it...

(see the pattern)

My health isn't the problem - I am... my wallowing in it, my hiding behind it ("If I weren't so ill I'd do better" - the safety clause it offers me), my self-sabotaging behaviour (not taking herbs, vitamins, eating well...)

My parents aren't the problem - I am... my need to be perfect for them rather than being perfect for me, my need for them to grow with me rather than realising they have their own lives and lifepaths


And you know what all this means??

It means *I* have the power to change all this - *I* have the power to be happy, healthy and free

How empowering is that?


And so - even though nothing has changed around me - my perception has and suddenly things feel ok. I know that I will still have rough days - I know I will still hide behind old patterns - but that's ok - I accept that and hope to experience it as it comes.

And suddenly I feel so much more peaceful and I am getting rid of so much old clutter - I am currently swapping some crystals for a book with a friend, sending clothes which no longer fit me to the charity shop, realigning the energy in my room by use of plants, crystals and less clutter and am looking forward to my final reiki attunement :o)

Life is looking good and my greatest dream of being happy and loving myself finally look achieveable!

Day of reflection

I was gonna call in sick yesterday after having felt ill all weekend - but when I went to call in I found I had no credit on my phone *doh* so ended up working anyway... it was a quiet day and ok but I still felt very sick by the end of it so decided, after much deliberation, to take today off.

I came to this decision after thinking long and hard about pushing myself to keep going and realising that until I loved myself enough to truly take care of myself I would never get better. I have repeated this pattern in so many areas of my life for so many years - self-sabotaging my chances of healing, growing etc - because I am too low in self-worth to actually say "I'm sick, I need a break!"

I came close to it in the summer - I told my family that it really wasn't a case of "if I don't stop soon I will reach breaking point" but rather "I'm at breaking point now, I need to stop!" Of course it didn't happen - and although I have blamed outside circumstances, at the end of the day it is only me who is the cause of this. I am the one who ultimately made the decision to carry on. I was the one who decided leaving home for my sanity's sake was preferable over running myself down even more and feeling even iller.

Of course, I am happy where I am now - on the whole. I am in a job I love (if only I could stop being so ill) and live in a wonderful shared house with two housemates who crack me up constantly! But my health still struggles...

I've always been one to fall ill easily - and for the past decade it's been one thing after another (both big and small). I came to realise, with some help from a friend and some strongly worded truths, that I hid behind my illness. However much I hated to admit this, it was true. I hated being ill, but just as I received love for my academic achievements and associated love and praise with that, I also received love and attention through being ill.

It took me a long time to finally admit (to others and partly to myself) that I self-sabotaged my health for both attention and for a get-out clause. For so many years, when things went wrong I was told "that's ok, you weren't at your best". Or being ill meant I didn't have to go to school and face whatever I didn't want to face. I would even fantasise about being ill or injured just to try and escape things...

And so, even though I am now aware of this pattern of behaviour and am trying to change it, I find myself falling back into the habit sometimes. And my body is a bit slower than my mind.

Right now, I am sure I could heal myself and be much stronger if I didnt' expect to be ill all the time. I would also not create illness (subconsciously) if I could only find enough confidence within myself to know that what I do is good enough.

So, today is a day of reflection...

Back to work tomorrow

I've actually been able to eat today with minimal nausea - so back to work tomorrow!

I'm feeling not to back emotionally now either - it's not been like that all day - I've had far too many people, including my closest friend and family responding with the usual "that's life" and "you've always been this way" from my family to "no you haven't been depressed for years, I've never seen you this way" from my friend. I guess that shows how well and little they all know me all at the same time...

They know I am the sort of person who just keeps going and they know that I know all the things they are saying - but what they don't often realise or, so I suspect, aren't willing to accept, is that it's knowing these things and what they expect from me that makes me shut off how I'm feeling and just keep pushing...

I know everything is ok in reality. I know that people love me. I know that life is hard sometimes - I've lived it - and I've pushed myself beyond my comfort zones so many times. I know I have incredible strength and achieve some incredible stuff. I know I have the strength and courage to face my fears and create a better life for myself - I have done so for many years now...

But right now I have no energy to do so. I don't have any energy left from all that pushing and all that struggling I've done in recent years and my body and my emotions cannot cope any more - I cannot go on with the same stamina - in fact I sometimes wonder how I'll get out of bed and face the day...

Yet because I have always done so - however crap I have felt - people expect me to just do so and think my moaning is purely that - moaning - with no real meaning behind it... cos sure, I've moaned lots and to be fair I never do anything about it because I always feel the need to keep going and sort it out... so I moan and then I face it...

So I can't blame people for not understanding me now, not understanding the deep need I have to stop and break and just be and heal myself a bit... how can they know just how exhausted I am when I do keep going...

I told my mum a while back I was so tempted to quit work and trust I'd work it all out and I got slated for it... completely... so I didn't... I wonder what would happen if I did one day just stop getting out of bed and just look after myself as people keep telling me I should... because quite frankly I can't look after myself any more than I already am doing without taking such a drastic step...

Yet I wouldn't do that anyway - cos I have too much pride to do so, too much fear of what people would think...

I wonder - would it take such drastic action for people to take me seriously?

However - I am going back to work tomorrow - life goes on and so do I! Let'shope it's a good day and things begin to pick up a bit... there's always hope isn't there?!

I went to the doctor and guess what he told me...

I called in sick today and then phoned the doctor's surgery and managed to get an appointment this afternoon with a locum. He was really lovely and even though I was 10 minutes late (I was actually only 2 mins late but the woman in front of me at reception took forever!) he never rushed me once... amazing!

He checked my mole and told me that even though it didn't strike him as something he would immediately worry about he wants me to book an appointment with another doctor at the surgery who is actually a skin specialist to get a second opinion on it. This is going to be tricky - as I work the other side of town during surgery hours - so I'm gonna have to try and do an early shift one day and start at 7 so I can leave by 4 and be at the surgery by 5 if they'll let me.

As to the stomach bug - well he told me I'd been doing all the right things and that I looked quite weak and to take it easy and keep it simple. Then when I discussed with him how ill I've been feeling and how hard I've been finding it all he said "It sounds like you're depressed" - FINALLY someone taking me seriously - last time I approached a doctor about feeling this way I was told it was just "stress" which all university students go through *sigh*

He asked me if I would consider taking any tablets to help with that and I told him I'd rather not and he replied that I struck him as the sort of person who would rather try and deal with it naturally. So he gave me the number of a local counselling service and suggested I exercise more to release endorphins.

I've felt this way for soooo long - years even that to finally have someone acknowledge that I'm not making a fuss over nothing and not expecting me to just get on with it is quite reassuring - though the unit co-ordinator at the nursery didn't sound overly impressed when I told her that the doctor thinks that depression and my IBS might be why I'm finding it so hard to shake this bug when most other people (according to the manager) have got over it within 24 hours.

It's interesting because I have felt so low and so close to giving up for so long and I am beginning to be more open about this rather than just biting my lip and trudging along but it's almost as if people just think I'm fussing and I feel like they think I have no idea what the world is really like... so often I have had the responses "we all go through it" "that's life" and "it just doesn't work that way". I am so torn because I *know* if I don't stop soon and take care of myself I really am going to burn out - I already am in a very big way - but also people just expect me to get on with it and I just can't face their looks and responses when I just even *suggest* giving up and having a break... I sometimes wonder just *how* ill I have to be for them to really understand - I mean do I need to have a friggin' nervous breakdown before they accept it's real?

I guess it's my own fault really - I'm gone from completely dependent on others to completely independent and became known and admired for my determination, stamina and strength of character... I remember my personal tutor at uni telling me that "other people may have given up or struggled but you not only survived the year through many hardships but also excelled in your exams" and later "you could take a year out but that might not help if it's an ongoing issue - maybe you should stop worrying about getting good grades and just think about getting through this with your sanity intact... but I guess that's not what Amandas do is it?"

Hmmmm she knew me so well..?