Day of reflection

I was gonna call in sick yesterday after having felt ill all weekend - but when I went to call in I found I had no credit on my phone *doh* so ended up working anyway... it was a quiet day and ok but I still felt very sick by the end of it so decided, after much deliberation, to take today off.

I came to this decision after thinking long and hard about pushing myself to keep going and realising that until I loved myself enough to truly take care of myself I would never get better. I have repeated this pattern in so many areas of my life for so many years - self-sabotaging my chances of healing, growing etc - because I am too low in self-worth to actually say "I'm sick, I need a break!"

I came close to it in the summer - I told my family that it really wasn't a case of "if I don't stop soon I will reach breaking point" but rather "I'm at breaking point now, I need to stop!" Of course it didn't happen - and although I have blamed outside circumstances, at the end of the day it is only me who is the cause of this. I am the one who ultimately made the decision to carry on. I was the one who decided leaving home for my sanity's sake was preferable over running myself down even more and feeling even iller.

Of course, I am happy where I am now - on the whole. I am in a job I love (if only I could stop being so ill) and live in a wonderful shared house with two housemates who crack me up constantly! But my health still struggles...

I've always been one to fall ill easily - and for the past decade it's been one thing after another (both big and small). I came to realise, with some help from a friend and some strongly worded truths, that I hid behind my illness. However much I hated to admit this, it was true. I hated being ill, but just as I received love for my academic achievements and associated love and praise with that, I also received love and attention through being ill.

It took me a long time to finally admit (to others and partly to myself) that I self-sabotaged my health for both attention and for a get-out clause. For so many years, when things went wrong I was told "that's ok, you weren't at your best". Or being ill meant I didn't have to go to school and face whatever I didn't want to face. I would even fantasise about being ill or injured just to try and escape things...

And so, even though I am now aware of this pattern of behaviour and am trying to change it, I find myself falling back into the habit sometimes. And my body is a bit slower than my mind.

Right now, I am sure I could heal myself and be much stronger if I didnt' expect to be ill all the time. I would also not create illness (subconsciously) if I could only find enough confidence within myself to know that what I do is good enough.

So, today is a day of reflection...