On the way up

I'm feeling better - both physically and emotionally...

It's amazing what a difference a couple of days and a change in perception can do for you! Just being able to get a decent meal inside me and being able to go back to work and not feel like a completely useless person gave me chance to really think about things...

I am far too hard on myself - I am the first person to admit that... I am often told I am not proud enough of myself and that I expect way too much - and it's true... the worst part of it is I don't only expect too much from myself but expect just as much from others as well!! Hence I am always disappointed...

So I began shifting my perception the other day - trying to let go and relax and realise that life is for living rather than worrying about the future... Easier said than done, I am breaking the habit of a lifetime!

It helped that I bought a fantastic magazine (called Psychologies) whose main features this month was perfectionism... and so much of what it said made sense to me - not just because it was logical but also because I had come to think the same things in the past myself.

The best part, for me, was realising my skewed perception of "doing one's best". At uni I often had people saying to me "it doesn't matter what you get, as long as you try your best" or my parents saying "we know you have done your best and worked hard!"

For me "doing my best" meant doing the best I could possibly do which included working myself into ill health and stressing about not getting the top marks as I *should* be capapble of them - if only I hadn't taken that break to watch that film or had been more organised with my time blah blah blah...

I've come to realise that actually "doing one's best" means doing the best one can do whilst having a life and enjoying it - if that means prioritising and giving oneself a break to watch a film or meet with friends for your sanity's sake - then that is what your best is...

So those phrases, which were said as encouragement at uni, actually used to instill guilt and anxiety within me for the fact that people thought I was doing more than I was... when in fact I was most likely doing more than anyone ever expected me too... I was comparing myself to an ideal which nobody could ever keep up with...

To the same extent, as an intelleigent person, my achievements in the academic field were where I got the most praise - and hence doing well became so important for me - for I associated it with pride, praise and love... so I stuck with something I absolutely hated just for that... or rather something I used to enjoy myself became something I hated as the standards were raised for I could no longer reach them as easily as before and my life became one big stress-fest...

Such was my thinking and it hasn't changed overnight... I recognise these patterns within myself but old habits die hard and I still find myself falling into the traps - hence my absolute depression of last week (which is a recurring trend and one I plan to break).

So yesterday I had planned to tidy my bedroom because a) it was a mess and annoying me and b) I was ashamed of it and feared someone seeing it (for I have always received negativity from my mother about my untidiness and as such I feel deep shame related to it). But instead I chose to try out a couple of recipes for Christmas cookies before making them as gifts for people... I had a whale of a time - made a complete mess of myself and the kitchen (lol) and felt good for the first time in ages... this is what I needed - time to be me and enjoy myself... and it gave me even more time to think about what *I* want rather than what I think others want of me...

Today I am gradually tackling my bedroom because it is annoying me - I want a tidy room for me! And I feel good - although the nursery setting at work is not always something I agree with (something I shall post about later) I love working with the children and coming home and having time for me! This is something I need and is long overdue... I have all the time in the world to achieve my other dreams - and I have achieved far more than I ever dreamed I would in just a few short years... some of which *I* wanted but most of which I thought was impressive and would look good...

So now I'm trying to live for me and it feels good...