Breakthrough!

Ok, so I started this blog because I wanted somewhere to write about finally living my dream (and I didn't want to be a total stranger to those who may want to see who the heck this weird person is who keeps posting comments on their blogs lol). But somehow it seems to have been moaning all the way. And this is part of my major breakthrough...

I've been depressed on and off for about 5 years now... but unwilling to admit it until recently because I simply couldn't accept it about myself. Yet I knew I was depressed and desperately trying to find a way out - I would wake up feeling sick and wishing I wasn't where I was - be that home, uni, Germany, Russia... but what I didn't fully understand was all my "if onlys" were completely empty.

When I was in Russia, for example, I would think "if only I were in England I'd be happier" or "If only I could speak the language better I'd find this easier". When I was at uni I'd think "If only I was working and not at uni" or "If only I'd had the courage to leave when I was in my second year"

But when those "if onlys" came true I found that actually I was no happier than before - and so my blog became a bit of a moan fest rather than a celebration of finally being somewhere I have always truly dreamed of being.

This past week I did some real soul searching and suddenly what I had believed in theory for so long suddenly really hit home and I finally "got it".

In recent weeks/months I've been trying to be honest with those around me about how I have been feeling. This has caused much upset for many people because I am suddenly no longer hiding the depth of my emotion and saying "actually I hurt" and at the same time I have been healing because I am honouring my feelings. It's still hard but I am beginning to learn that it is ok to feel sad, to feel angry, but more importantly that it is ok to make "mistakes".

This is something I could never do before and I always had to get it right first time... I placed pressures upon myself which didn't exist and which made me truly unhappy. I needed to succeed academically - I couldn't just do a degree I had to get a high mark. I couldn't just start a job - I had to be one of the best new employees they'd ever had and get it right straight away. I couldn't be my own person - I had to be the perfect friend, lodger, student etc even though such a thing doesn't exist.

Once I truly understood this about myself and truly acknowledged that these pressures were my own doing I suddenly had the power to change my perception and experience life differently. As I wrote to a friend yesterday:

Uni wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove to people (and myself) I could do it...

Specsavers wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove myself to people (and myself) I could do it...

(see the pattern)

My health isn't the problem - I am... my wallowing in it, my hiding behind it ("If I weren't so ill I'd do better" - the safety clause it offers me), my self-sabotaging behaviour (not taking herbs, vitamins, eating well...)

My parents aren't the problem - I am... my need to be perfect for them rather than being perfect for me, my need for them to grow with me rather than realising they have their own lives and lifepaths


And you know what all this means??

It means *I* have the power to change all this - *I* have the power to be happy, healthy and free

How empowering is that?


And so - even though nothing has changed around me - my perception has and suddenly things feel ok. I know that I will still have rough days - I know I will still hide behind old patterns - but that's ok - I accept that and hope to experience it as it comes.

And suddenly I feel so much more peaceful and I am getting rid of so much old clutter - I am currently swapping some crystals for a book with a friend, sending clothes which no longer fit me to the charity shop, realigning the energy in my room by use of plants, crystals and less clutter and am looking forward to my final reiki attunement :o)

Life is looking good and my greatest dream of being happy and loving myself finally look achieveable!