My stars and what's faith got to do with it?

First and foremost (well almost) here's my horoscope for today from one of my favourite astrologists Jonathan Cainer.

Comet McNaught heralds the coming of the cavalry and the appearance of light at the end of a long dark tunnel. You have been hoping and waiting for something to lighten up your life. You have been struggling and striving for far too long - and every great step forward has been followed by a setback. There has been a reason for all this. Something had needed to settle and it is now ready. Keep your hopes and aspirations high. Expect a vast improvement over the next few days.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

I love Jonathan Cainer's astrological readings - whenever I've been going through a major lesson in life his readings have always been so so accurate for me - so much so that when I was in Germany my parents used to cut them out of the newspaper and post them to me! I often find, as well, that reading them in retrospect is better - because it often highlights something I have just experienced so I recognise it and go AHA! rather than wondering what it all means.


On to the real topic of my post. Faith - and more importantly the connections and relationships between different faiths and religions.

I was thinking about this yet again last night - I think about it lots - because Christianity, in particular, holds a major part of my recent past. As a child I always wanted to know God and be close to him and always wanted to be a Christian to achieve that. When I reached 17 my friend asked me to join her church choir and so I did. However this was the first year of my depression, I was so caught in my emotions of fear (not being good enough), guilt (not being a good enough friend) and envy (wishing I were as good as others) that I spent most of my time in a very dark place. I was so terrified of singing that I spent most the time trying so hard to sing and not getting anywhere for fear it would sound awful, that I almost left on many occasions and eventually it all became too much for me and I did. Because of this I never really paid attention in church - other than to the almighty feeling of being somewhere peaceful and powerful and enjoying the chance to sit in meditation during the service.

So when I went to uni I immediately jumped at the chance to join the Christian Union and threw myself into Friday night meetings and going to church every Sunday. But this was where the problems (for me) started. The majority of my close friends in that first year at uni were very strong evangelists and the Christian Union put an awful lot of emphasis on converting people - something I felt very uncomfortable with - mostly because I myself was beginning to really doubt I was a Christian at all. The biggest moment for me came when a visiting speaker to one of our meetings read out a poem that was so dear to my heart and then proceeded to pull it apart and ridicule it completely - something which shocked and hurt me...

Eventually I realised that the reason I was so hurt was because I was finding out that I believed some things really deep down in my heart which went against the teachings I was hearing in church and at these meetings. This was a problem because I didn't know where I fit in and suddenly I felt a distance between myself and my friends as I couldn't open up to a lot of them about it - which shows me now that I wasn't as close to them as I thought I was.

Anyway - I spent a few years really thinking about all of this. I truly missed going to church and that sense of community but I didn't know how what I believed and what I experienced to be Christian belief could both work alongside each other - I desperately wanted to join these two parts of my life but couldn't find a way...

This continued but I became much stronger in trusting and honouring what I felt was right in my heart, until I went to Germany for my university course. There I volunteered for the Salvation Army and lived with an officers' family. I really enjoyed my time there and really enjoyed being a part of the community again - but again it threw me into odds about what I believed and what I was being taught. I desperately, desperately wanted to be a full part of the community - even thinking I'd love an officer's job and being told by members of the army I would make a good one - yet I was always aware that I was being untrue to myself by shutting off a part of what was within my heart in order to fit into this community - and I never did quite fully fit anyway...

In fact I shied away from discussing my belief properly with those who asked me - although we did sometimes talk - partly because I didn't feel confident enough discussing it in German and partly because I didn't want to divulge that part of my life - not when I was confused enough as it was.

And still the exploration continues - I do not understand the need in me to reconcile these two parts - I know I have to live my life honouring what "feels" true and right in my heart but wondering why I feel a need to see a connection between it and what I have been taught/shown by my Christian friends...

I'm sure I'll still be debating this with myself in another 30 years time lol