I don't know if I've ever mentioned this on here, I think I may have, but for a few years now I have been trying to figure out my faith and how it all fits in...
As a child I attended a school with a fairly strong Christian slant but as this was my only real contact with religion I simply accepted that God was in Heaven and occasionally prayed to him and that was that. As I grew I yearned for a deeper relationship with God and for some reason waited for it to come to me rather than looking for it myself.
When I was in my final year at school my friend invited me to become a member of her church choir and I jumped at the chance - but a very rocky road lay ahead for me. I was so wrapped up in my depression and lack of self-confidence (which I still wonder at) left me fearing church and at the same time needing to be there to show myself I could do it. At one point I considered leaving but I felt such warmth being sat in the choir stalls next to the altar that I couldn't bring myself to leave. Eventually it all got far too much for me (and my friend) and I left and we had a MAJOR argument and that was that - I didn't return...
When I started uni I joined the Christian Union and began attending church again and CU meetings - but I felt out of my depth as everyone was so strong in their faith and the CU was VERY evangelistic and it actually scared me!
And then one day something was said at a meeting which didn't feel right to me and completely ridiculed something I held a deep belief in and I was so hurt I left completely. It was a really rocky road for me...
Eventually I found a support system outside of the church and began to develop my own relationship with God - yet it wasn't pure because I couldn't accept a figure of God with the anger I felt and my inability to comprehend what it was all about... I fought so hard...
I then spent 3 months working for and living with the Salvation Army in Germany and I loved the sense of community but still felt outside... I couldn't accept what these people I loved and respected deeply were putting forward
I miss that community and on many occasions wished I could just let go and accept it - but it just didn't resonate with me...
The other evening I had a breakthrough of sorts - the things I have been trying to understand for so long were suddenly much simpler by looking at it from a different angle...
I wouldn't say I am a Christian because for me it's all or nothing and I am certainly not able to give all - but I am beginning to see connections I never saw before and I have to say I've had an extra bounce to my step the past couple of days...
But it leaves me wondering what its all about and how it all ties in and where I stand - do I really need to define my faith? I have spent the past 4 or 5 years of my life trying ver hard not to do this - but it just leaves it so open-ended and difficult sometimes...
Sorry this is a rather rambling post - but that's me isn't it lol!!
I'm thinking I might go to the local Salvation Army corps this weekend and I shall certainly be contacting my friend (whose parents are officers) to discuss this further - now that I feel ready to chat with her about it again. I'm actually currently reading The Jesus I never knew that she sent me a year and a half ago when we last discussed these kinds of things... I've actually made it past the first chapter, which is an improvement on last time!
It's strange because I am very open to my own spiritual path but I just keep being pulled back to Christianity to try and review it - something within it won't let me go and I don't think I want to be let go of... yet I don't want to lose my sense of belief which lies outside of conventional Christian teaching. I guess that is what I am trying to do - find out how it all ties in...
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2 comments:
so perhaps you answered your own question. maybe you don't need to define your faith. perhaps you are more spiritual than religious? I would categorize myself that way. (some) organized christian religions do get so caught up in Dogma and Literally translating the Bible and put the Fear of God into you. I think it is great that you are questioning things at such a young age...blind obedience is never a good thing.
thanks for stopping by and commenting on my emotional sources of disease post.
Yeah I think defining my faith is something I shy away from because I find it too restrictive - and yet I also desire for the ease of "fitting in" somewhere!
You're welcome for the comment - will pop back again soon! Thanks for popping over and commenting here!
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