I am so goshdarn broody it isn't fair!! I've been broody on and off since I was about 10 but working with the babies has just upped the intensity yet another notch! I knew working with them would do one of two things - make me broodier or put me off having my own kids lol - I'm very glad the first one happened - but it's a bit of a pain...
I can't be broody - it's not fair, because I have no way of acting upon this instinctual urge, what with no man in tow (or even on the horizon). I got quite philosophical about it on the bus to work yesterday, actually.
The thing is - I've never been in a relationship. Not really. I don't consider the "online relationship" I had with a boy at 16 one - as we never met and it was purely a feeling of "omg someone loves me" that kept it going as long as it did (which wasn't long!) And as for my first kiss - well that was with my best friend at uni, who was in love with another girl entirely - and although I fought my feelings for him for so long, when he kissed me I couldn't resist and boy did that get messy for all of a few days - until my sense kicked in. Ironically I ended up supporting him and giving him advice when they did finally get together - why, I ask you!!
It's strange because so many people talk to me about their relationships - as if I know anything about what they're going through... and if I'm completely honest, it hurts a lot of the time. I am a complete romantic and yearn so much to have somebody to love. But I'm not the sort of person who can just go out and meet somebody and have a bit of fun... for me it has to be a big thing...
I remember having this conversation with my sister and my dad last summer and being told by the two of them that I am far too picky and will never meet someone this way. That hurt - because I can no more change the way I feel than I can my height - I can add a few inches superficially but take away the shoes (or whatever emotional aspect the shoes represent in this analogy - I am too confused to work it out for myself lol) and I am still a little squirt!
So when will I meet a guy who I love? When will I meet a guy who loves me for me and not because I am a "nice dependable girl". Will I ever - can I just say the thought that this may never happen fills me with fear - yeah ok I'm only 22 but still - I get antsy about it...
I would never want to start a relationship purely out of need to be in one - but am I blocking out potentials for fear of doing so? Is my inexperience making me fear certain possibilities? Do I need to change my attitude to love? Damn the broodiness for bringing up all these thoughts!!!
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Yes, you do need to change your attitude to love I'm afraid. You really have to stop thinking about it. If you see guys as potential mates you will never see them as potential friends. Go out and get yourself as many friends, male and female as you possibly can. Book you diary solid with functions and activities that keep your thoughts on anything other than finding a mate. Sign up for classes doing things you have always wanted to try. Do these things on your own if you have to. You will grow to be an independent, busy, knowledgeable, fun, experienced young women. And that combo my dear makes for great parenting when the time arrives. You will never have this time again. This freedom, this youth. You are feeling lonely. So get out there, grab every opportunity with both hands and run with it and meet as many new people as you can from all walks of life. Remember: you can never have too many friends. And don’t spend too much time online. It is no substitute for the real thing. C xx
Hey Cherry!
Thanks for posting! You're right, I do need to change my attitude to love - though I'm not sure it's exactly the way you suggested... I don't tend to see guys as potential mates - the opposite in fact - this is where half the problem lies... for me any guy I meet is merely a guy I could become friends with... I'm too scared to think of anything else - and this is where the attitude to love has to change... I have to stop fearing it and start embracing it - and this far exceeds the love between a man and woman - this is for love of all kinds...
I'm getting there with a little help from some friends - but occasionally something sets me off on a whole debate with myself like yesterday's post!
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