Changes and the crazy linguist

First of all I want to say thanks to all of you who left comments on my last post. I have spent the weekend quietly cuddled up in T's arms, talking things through with him and working through all the emotions running through me at the moment. I am still feeling sad and anxious, that's not going to go away overnight, but I am feeling more at peace as I gradually work through the changes I need to make in my life. Don't get me wrong, these changes make me so sad in many ways, but also hopeful for the balance they will bring into my life. For example, I spend far too much time online - and by far too much time I mean I often sit here aimlessly trying to find things to do to occupy my mind so that I don't have to focus on how I truly feel. I sat down this evening and worked out how very little time outside of work and commuting I have to do things and how many things I try to fit into that time and realised I needed to change. When I was first at university and did not have instant access to the internet I used to sit in bed for an hour reading for pleasure each evening - I never read for pleasure anymore and want to do that more. To do this and have moments in the day to be quiet, still and truly relax I need to cut out many of my projects just so that I do not wear myself out completely.

Having read Jeanne's comments in particular I realised just how crucial taking the time to be kind to myself is and how very rarely I do this. I always feel so time pressured and try to do everything in as little time as possible. Right now I work 37.5 hours per week, but due to buses am actually out of the house 5 days a week between 7.40 and 6.30 and in the summer this changes to 4 full days and 2 half days to fit the rota of 7 days of service to the public. We have to move the whole of our office in the midst of the summer season (our busiest time) and I need to have enough energy left to enjoy our trip to Rome and hopefully cope with the tour guide training come September. I can't do that whilst trying to fit in foreign language practise and revision, keeping up with friends on here and the two forums I visit as well as running a whole other blog/website. I feel the need to prioritise for my health so that I do not get as ill as I have previously - that means cutting things I may love for my own sanity.

So now I am planning on only spending 1 hour online most days and prioritising emails and blogs as these are the places I keep up with the people dear to me and where I find the support and inspiration I need to carry on - I will also be streamlining my lists on bloglines to ensure I am maximising my time with people I am most in tune with - this does not mean I'm going to suddenly cut contact completely with everyone - just that the people I find I rarely contact will be kept up with on those days I have more time (e.g. weekends) rather than every day. Which means I'll also stop popping by facebook and myspace - it makes me so sad because I love keeping up with people but it is just too much right now. I'm also going to take a break from my reiki blog because at the moment I worry about not updating it - there is enough info on there for new visitors to have a look through whilst I take the break I need.

In essence I have realised, finally, that I need to be compassionate to myself in order to be compassionate to others - how can I serve as a friend to others when I cannot be a friend to myself? This is such a hard choice for me to take. It means I am not going on camp this year because spending a week looking after someone's needs 24/7, taking up a week of my holiday entitlement when I will need it to rest after the move at work and the busiest weeks of the year prior to flying off to Rome, would just be too much. It breaks my heart to not go - but whereas in previous years I could go knowing I'd have a good month to recover before returning to uni I now have to go straight back to work and I am beginning to realise that working full time takes it out of me and that however much I wish it wasn't the case I cannot change this and it's ok.

There are other changes I am planning - all working towards giving me more time to rest and relax meaning that I have more energy and enthusiasm to then enjoy the things I do. The changes are so hard for me because I am such a busy person by nature, always looking for new projects to keep me busy. At work I am always asking my supervisor to give me something to do because I can't cope with being idle... that is something I need to work on - realising that being at work doesn't mean I have to be busy every second of the day! I need to rebalance otherwise I will burn out again, which is the last thing I want to do.

Now on to the crazy linguist story... I was recently chatting with Chas about hairstyles and whether she should get bangs or not. Now, I'm sure you all know what bangs are... I thought I did too! Seems not... I had somehow, along the line, decided that bangs were long, sweeping fringes that framed the face and that anything that was cut straight across the forehead and looked, well like a fringe, was called a fringe. I made a distinction that didn't actually exist... lol.

I do this quite a lot, you know. It's almost like my mind cannot cope without somehow assimilating words and phases and sometimes creating meanings that do not exist in the real world. More than that, I often misunderstand what T says in such humorous ways. He mumbles a lot and I will think he has said something completely wacky and obviously wrong but I am convinced that is what he has said. I can't think of any example other than when he once said the word "boobies" (lol) and I thought hed said "jelly beans" - how on earth I misunderstood that one I don't know. It's almost like I have trained my ears and mind over many years of language learning to pick out key sounds and put them together without any conscious thought on my part... it makes me wonder how many times I have completely misunderstood someone in another language much to their amusement if I can do it so easily in English. It must work right sometimes though - I remember once hearing the lines of a song in Spanish and although I'd never learnt Spanish I knew it meant "to kiss your sweet lips" because the words to kiss and sweet were similar to words in other languages and guss how I knew the word lips... it sounded like labia (you know from the "down there" area!) It actually took me longer to figure out how I knew what the word for lips was than for my mind to figure out the song was about kissing... crazy, huh?