Apprehensive

Ok, this is another endo post - for those of you who have followed my blog for a while and are suddenly wondering why I'm blogging so much about this atm and not about my usual things it's because at present I really need this to be a place to express the pain and fears I'm experiencing. I'm not abandoning my usual topics, just putting them aside for a while (though they will still crop up within my posts).

Ok, so now I've got that off my chest I'll get on with the post...

I'm going to the gynaecologist tomorrow and am, quite frankly, a little nervous. Last time I saw the gynae was 4 months ago and they prescribed Zoladex (to start a pseudo-menopause). I started the injections in October and only had one month of the prescribed 6 - my symptoms were so bad... I was in doubt at the time whether to stop but knew I couldn't continue the way I was. And even though I am still suffering I am so scared they may be dismissive because I didn't give it a proper chance.

I'm looking through my symptom diary (which I kept to great detail during the injections and in less detail after) and have just created a table to chart the symptoms in for a quick glance sort of thing to show them. I'm hoping that because the gynae I am seeing is part of a "menstrual disorders" clinic rather than a general OB/GYN that they may be more helpful than some I have seen in the past. But I'm still scared...

What scares me the most is I have decided that unless they can come up with something other than a laparoscopy or more chemical treatments to affect my hormones I'm going to ask them to refer me to a counsellor and pain management clinic instead and see my again in a year's time when I will almost be due to have my mirena taken out (and replaced if I decide to carry on with it). I don't want more chemicals because I have reacted badly to all the contraceptive pills they tried, norethisterone and now the zoladex - I just don't think my body reacts well to hormone treatments. And although a laparoscopy is only a minor op usually I generally react badly to the anaestethic (i.e. I shake uncontrollably when I come round and then feel completely hungover for at least a week which slows my recovery) and my first lap (when they were still convinced I had nothing wrong with me) turned into an overnight stay due to unexplained bleeding in my abdomen and I ended up being in agony for 3 months after it. I just don't want to risk any unexpected problems - not whilst I feel my body is so weak and when I have to have my mirena placed next year and would rather wait until then if I can and do it all in one go.

Maybe I'm worrying needlessly, maybe they'll be really nice and have a great idea up their sleeve... still, I can't help but worry. I'll be glad when I've been and don't have to imagine how it will go.