My mum and I

My mum - bless her heart - is one of those mums who devoted/s the whole of her being to her family and I am very, very blessed to have 2 wonderful parents - a father who is so wise and knows that I just have to experience everything for myself and make my own mistakes, however much it might kill him to sit back and watch - and a mother whose response to everything is to fall into "mothering mode" and who cares so much about everybody. But in recent years I have become far more attached to my dad than my mum for my philosphy in life has changed from wanting to be protected to absolutely needing to go out and make my own life. And these changes (along with the normal changes that occur in a parent/child relationship as the child enters adulthood) have caused a strain on our relationship.

I don't say that lightly - I have made a 180 degree turn over the past few years. I went from being unable to do anything, even go to the corner shop alone, to being an independent woman who travels the world to meet and live with random people she has never met and who is determined to learn as much about herself as she possibly can. Yeah I still find these things so goddamn scary I dunno how I do them - but I do! And this change has rocked quite a few boats... and being someone who still craves (and I mean CRAVES) acceptance and respect from others - well this has been, shall we say, hard!

I've spent 4 or 5 years in poor health and rather depressed at times. Somedays the hardest thing would be to get out of bed in a morning and it was only my inability to give in which kept me going - my inability to say "I can't do this" as this meant, to me, "I have failed!" Failure is something that I couldn't face. I feared it - as I did making mistakes. I wanted to be perfect, no I NEEDED to be perfect. Of course I wasn't - and recently I have been learning to make mistakes and that, actually, it's ok. And who wants to be perfect anyway - far too much pressure to upkeep such a standard!

My mum, I believe, is very similar to me in many ways. She is a perfectionist in the home. In fact my dad is a perfectionist at work too - no wonder I picked up these tendencies!! My mum needs to be wanted, needed and needs to be the "perfect mother and wife". It saddens me that my mum is still tied to the home - although I understand the yearning to do that - it's almost like she cannot do anything outside it and that makes me sad. And because of this and because I so desperately want her to understand me and where I am coming from I have, to my shame, tried to change her. I have belittled her, I have caused her pain, I have argued and criticised and I feel so sad that I have tried to project my life onto hers.

This is a very emotional topic for me. These past few months in particular I have needed from my parents support and understanding which I felt was out of their reach, that I didn't deserve. Having decided to go home and through talking to my dad he has made me realise that I was looking at it all wrong - the support and understanding is (and always has been) there - I just had to accept it the way it was given as I want them to accept me as I am. And it is I who have failed to accept, not them.

Just last night I was on the phone to my mum and she said something and I got so hurt and defensive - but you know what? She was right. She was only talking about me in reference to the way I have behaved before.

This going home is going to be so hard and yet so amazing. I feel I am now in a place where I can truly look at my life and my relationship with both of my parents as a couple and as individuals and to begin to heal some of my deeper issues. I am scared and yet I am excited. This long-weekend at home is going to give me time to begin to prepare for when I do go home long-term and I cannot wait. It's going to be emotional - but, boy, is it going to be good.

Thanks for letting me share this with you.