Going home

I'm in a better mood today - more centred - so am able to write about what's happening rather than just randomly posting a poem - which of course is nice once in a while, don't you think?

I was falling, falling, falling and expecting to hit rock bottom at any moment - and it was getting closer and closer but just before impact I figured out how to use my parachute ;o)

I'm going home.

This is something I tried in the summer and failed at. This is because, as my dad said to me today, I had a bad attitude in the summer. I thought I could do it all. I thought I could have it all. And I thought I didn't need anyone's help. God help me, I was bordering on self-assured bitch.

I needed to come here and experience life at its hardest (well no, not at its hardest but it sure as hell felt that way sometimes) and realise that being supported is nothing to be ashamed of and something I actually crave and need right now.

Yesterday I found myself faced with 3 options:

1) apply for as many jobs as possible purely for the pay and risk ending up in a job that destroys my soul

2) stay where I am and sell absolutely everything of value that I own and cut back on my food spending and risk affecting my digestion which is finally starting to sort itself out

3) go home and take the financial pressure of myself. Find a part-time job so I can pay the parents something towards rent and pay off my overdraught and start to save some money and aim to within a year be in a better position to try living out again.

I have been toying with ideas of using my natural skills to my advantage too - like crafting and languages - but there was never the opportunity (timewise or financially) to really research these either. So going home has the added benefit of this. Plus as my Great Aunty died yesterday it really hit home once again just how little time I may have left with some of my older relatives and how it would be nice to spend some quality time with them.

So, option 3 seemed like the most sensible and for once I was ready to take the sensible road. I spoke to my dad and he told me he would much rather have me at home than worry constantly about me not being able to meet my financial demands. He's gonna talk to my mum about it at the weekend, I'm gonna hand my notice in at work on Monday and I am gonna talk to my landlord about ending my contract with the house when he returns from holiday this weekend. It is really happening - I am leaving work and moving home.

I feel very sad but also ok. I know I need to do this in order to build a life for myself. But, oh, how I am gonna miss my babies - sure there are more babies out there but I can't help it - I broke the rules and got attached!!