Fear, Confidence and Self-Esteem

As I'm sure you're aware by now - I lack self-esteem in a BIG way. So much so that although I have a good degree from one of the top universities in the UK I still question how much ability I have in my degree subject and fear doing what might be something I would enjoyand probably be very good at for fear of being "found out" - the Imposter Syndrome!

Low self-esteem has found me unable to be who I am but always striving to be who I believe others want me to be (which is usually not what they want me to be at all!). It has seen me struggle for 3 months to cope with living with my landlady in Russia because I had so little self-worth I couldn't see that she was acting way out of line - in fact even though those around me were irate that she had the nerve to shout at me for 15 minutes whilst I cried just because I didn't know words she thought were "simple" and was always so emotional I wouldn't do anything about it because I believed she was right. Low self-esteem even made my university life a living hell at times asI felt like a complete fraud - unable to achieve the normal levels of language and somehow not working hard enough (and I worked SO hard!) Low self-esteem has even made me believe I was unloveable!

And right now I am finding these Self-Esteem and Imposter issues coming to the fore once more as I think about what I will do when I move home. I would love to teach languages to adult learners and children - those that the curriculum misses... yet I do not feel I am strong enoughin them - even though I have the qualifications... and what if I mess it up? Today I sent my CV to an adult education provider in my hometown who were asking for tutors and expressed my wish toteach German and/or Russian. I would also love to, one day,incorporate writing and literature into my work. It is hard for me to even dream sometimes because my fears get in the way...

So for today I am trying to believe in myself and that I can do this. As my dad says "I cannot understand how someone as clever and talented as you can have such a lack of self-esteem!"Today I am working on it!