Lifelong dream

I've been thinking (and praying) and I know in my heart that the only thing I know for sure that I want in life is to be a Homemaker - loving wife and mother. This is something I have dreamed of since I was yea-high and the only thing I have ever been truly certain of in my entire life (to date).

I've been talking to a few people about it recently and although I am ambitious and I do get bored easily and need to be stimulated - I feel my main purpose in life is to do this. It brings me pleasure to think about it. It hurts that I am still so far away from it. Call me old-fashioned but that is what I feel is right for me and there is no shaking it.

I've been wandering around the blogworld this weekend reading blogs written by people who are where I want to be someday and I cannot wait to get there. And yet there is a fear within me that I will never be that which I so desire. I am a perfectionist, you see. I expect far too much from myself. I beat myself up over the fact that I am untidy and never cook - mostly because I want to be that homemaker who cooks hearty meals for her family and keeps a cosy home. It doesn't have to be perfect - it never will be - and I realise this is not a priority when family is concerned - but I guess I feel a sense of shame as for my mum the home is her life and I never lived up to her expectations in that respect.

My mum and I have a funny relationship. We used to be so close and yet now we seem to clash far more than we see eye-to-eye. Interestingly my mum and Grandma have had a strained relationship the past few years and yet I feel so close to my Grandma I find myself defending her when my mum complains. I feel a great affinity forher - we are like kindred spirits - very much alike and I love her dearly. And she was a fantastic wife, mother and homemaker too - so I'm starting to learn that I need to stop comparing myself to my mum.

But this issue came up for me this weekend because my housemate/landlord's parents came over again to work on the house and his mum cleaned the house and spent a lot of time complaining about the state of it. My mum does that too when she comes to stay and it annoys me when she does it but it is embarassing when someone else's mum does it! Anyway he has devised a cleaning rota and although this is a good thing I felt almost like I was being berated for being lazy and not pulling my weight.

And at the same time I realise that right now I am struggling more than ever to make time for cleaning and bein tidy because I spend almost 12 hours a day most days out of the house working and am ill almost constantly - I never go out and have a life so why would I prioritise cleaning??

I am rambling - I know - sorry! But it just brought home to me my lifelong dream of being this homemaker and wondering if I'll ever make it...

I hope so!