Back to work tomorrow

I've actually been able to eat today with minimal nausea - so back to work tomorrow!

I'm feeling not to back emotionally now either - it's not been like that all day - I've had far too many people, including my closest friend and family responding with the usual "that's life" and "you've always been this way" from my family to "no you haven't been depressed for years, I've never seen you this way" from my friend. I guess that shows how well and little they all know me all at the same time...

They know I am the sort of person who just keeps going and they know that I know all the things they are saying - but what they don't often realise or, so I suspect, aren't willing to accept, is that it's knowing these things and what they expect from me that makes me shut off how I'm feeling and just keep pushing...

I know everything is ok in reality. I know that people love me. I know that life is hard sometimes - I've lived it - and I've pushed myself beyond my comfort zones so many times. I know I have incredible strength and achieve some incredible stuff. I know I have the strength and courage to face my fears and create a better life for myself - I have done so for many years now...

But right now I have no energy to do so. I don't have any energy left from all that pushing and all that struggling I've done in recent years and my body and my emotions cannot cope any more - I cannot go on with the same stamina - in fact I sometimes wonder how I'll get out of bed and face the day...

Yet because I have always done so - however crap I have felt - people expect me to just do so and think my moaning is purely that - moaning - with no real meaning behind it... cos sure, I've moaned lots and to be fair I never do anything about it because I always feel the need to keep going and sort it out... so I moan and then I face it...

So I can't blame people for not understanding me now, not understanding the deep need I have to stop and break and just be and heal myself a bit... how can they know just how exhausted I am when I do keep going...

I told my mum a while back I was so tempted to quit work and trust I'd work it all out and I got slated for it... completely... so I didn't... I wonder what would happen if I did one day just stop getting out of bed and just look after myself as people keep telling me I should... because quite frankly I can't look after myself any more than I already am doing without taking such a drastic step...

Yet I wouldn't do that anyway - cos I have too much pride to do so, too much fear of what people would think...

I wonder - would it take such drastic action for people to take me seriously?

However - I am going back to work tomorrow - life goes on and so do I! Let'shope it's a good day and things begin to pick up a bit... there's always hope isn't there?!