Do the Happy Dance!!

First of all thank you so much to all the wonderful comments you guys have left on my blog! It's lovely to see that despite all my ramblings people still come back to read what is going on in my life and that despite feeling like a moanfest sometimes there is something good in my posts somewhere hehe

So - are you doing the Happy Dance? I sure am!! I have had the best day EVER!!!

I spoke to my unit co-ordinator today and told her that I couldn't afford to work there. I told her I didn't want to leave but I was thinking I'd have to because of my financial situation. And guess what she said?? Go on, guess...

She said "To be honest I don't want to lose you either, because you are a very strong worker in that unit. You are responsible, organised, hard working and reliable - you turn up to work!! I'll speak to .... (people higher up) and see what we can do to help you out. I can't promise you a pay rise but if we can manage it we will look into it. We can also look into different working hours to help you out and even if you can't get a payrise now, appraisals are coming up in April and you have shown you are a good worker!"

Too right!!

So I am waiting to see what happens... who knows, maybe we can work this one out...

Also - our shop is up and running and you can visit it here. And guess what?? I had listed a Celtic Reiki Distance Healing Session complete with one card Tree Angel Oracle reading and it sold today!! Two days after listing!! And I have already done it - I did it 8-9pm this evening!!

Now can you see why I am dancing??

Oh and also - the Celtic Reiki Blog I was asked to write has just been launched but I have yet to get it started so once there are a few posts I will be officially launching that too... my what a lot ofjoyous things are happening in my life right now :o)

Money

Ok first of all something which I have become increasingly aware of over the past year or two is that I have a negative relationship to money. This is very closely tied in with my upbringing and although I appreciate the way my parents taught us to value money - it has also created a belief within myself that money is hard to earn and must be saved every step of the way...

So, of course, being paid to do something I love doing is a strange concept. And so I seem to have been blocking the flow of money into my life because I am doing things that I love to do. I am working damn hard but for some reason I still don't feel I deserve more money than I receive.

That being said - I am fully aware of how bad my financial situation is right now and I spent most of the weekend feeling awful about it - feeling everything going out of my control and feeling incredibly sad that this is the way it must be. That is until I decided at about 7pm last night that I could turn this around from an awful situation into one which provides me with opportunities to grow and move forward...

So, out of sheer need to earn some extra cash to keep me going for the time being I began listing some of my books on ebay. Previously I have simply given them away - but why not sell them? Already I have a bid on one of my books! It's not gonna bring me lots of cash but it will bring me both that added little extra I need to break even right now and it will clear space in my room which is still too cluttered even after my massive clear out! This is an opportunity to really release some of my old things...

As I was listing my books to be sold I decided it was high time I trusted my ability as a poet and artist and begin selling my poetry and pictures online - not wanting to blow my own trumpet here, but I make some really beautiful things and I don't see why I cannot sell my work - before I worried that because I enjoyed it so much and it came so naturally to me I shouldn't be charging for it - but then people made me realise that I would be charging for my time and that is all we ever really do at work...

So I opened a shop and found two other people I know to go into the venture with me - both for personal and commercial purposes! It all feels good...

But I am a realist - I know this isn't gonna happen overnight and I am still watching my finances. I am looking into ways to change my working pattern at work to allow me more time to perhaps do some tutoring in my free time to earn some extra cash. And if all else fails then I will know it is time for me to leave the nursery... and if that day comes I will be heartbroken - but I will know it is the right decision...

So I am keeping my options open and choosing to see this as a great learning opportunity rather than a disaster!

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

This could be a problem...

My finances have been playing on my mind for months - well years really - being a student taught me to be very careful with my money. But now I am working I had thought things would get better. Not so. Not only am I not making any money - I am actually losing money and getting into more debt rather than paying off my student debt... this is a MASSIVE problem...

It's shocking that I work my butt off and earn so little I cannot afford to live - and I am incredibly careful with my money. I even find myself feeling guilty for buying good quality food sometimes because I can't afford it... how wrong is that?

So now I am faced with a huge dilemna... do I leave the nursery or do I stay and end up having to get a second job (which I think is against my contract anyway). I really don't want to leave because however crappy the nursery is I love my babies far too much and their parents are lovely too and it would break my heart to leave them. I also don't want to have the upheaval of changing jobs yet again. But how can I afford to live when I can't afford to live - if that makes any sense at all??

Anyone who reads this and prays, please say a prayer for me that I may see the way to go forward. I feel lost right now - I have finally found somewhere where I am relatively happy and now money gets in the way.

It's all starting to make sense...

Each day it seems like I understand a little bit more about where I have been, where I am now and where I am going to - and it feels as if all I have done in the past few years has been a massive preparation and shift to allow the beautiful realisation of many of my dreams to occur round about now :o)

Firstly pushing myself through university made me become very independent, created many opportunities for me to discover what I do like (care work, foreign languages, travelling, writing) and what I don't like (irregular hours of work, pressure to meet deadlines, academia). From this I can begin to create a reality which is right for me rather than doing what I think I should do.

Secondly, my work at the nursery is wonderful in so many ways - I am finally working with children and being in Cambridge means there are plenty of babies whose first language is not English so I get to hear their parents speaking in French, German, Spanish, Italian... I love it and if only I can build up the courage to go for it I could ask them to talk to me in their own language sometimes so I can improve my German and French skills and pick up some Spanish and Italian ones. I have dreamt for years of being multilingual but university made me feel that would never be possible. Coming out of academia and realising that actually I *am* good at languages but I prefer to have a wide range of skills rather than becoming perfect in one or two languages tops has made me realise that it is possible after all.

The nursery has also made me open my eyes to how daycare works in Britain and has made me passionate about someday working towards improving it in some way - no I don't have impossible dreams lol but I do feel that my work may take me into trying to add certain things to whee I work - like using my languages or my creativity somehow within it - or moving to work with disabled children more...

Somehow, someday (or over a period of years more likely) I will see how all this comes together perfectly, which I believe it is doing and will continue to do. And this makes me happy! I am not somebody who can devote herself completely to one project but has to have a foot in many different things - and I am sure something will turn up to allow me to do that...

The nursery itself had a big meeting the other day and they have promised us many more resources, more staff and much more which, provided they carry out their promises, will make our work easier and more enjoyable and in turn make it better for the babies and parents too. This gives me hope that things will pick up! They are also suggesting we do 4 long days rather than 5 normal days giving a better continuity of care throughout the day. This means the shifts would be either 6:45-5:30 or 7:30-6:15 VERY long days but something I am considering because a) a day off in the week would be helpful b) I travel for 2 hours per day and so never get much done in the evenings anyway - a full day off without travelling would give me time to get other things done.

They are also suggesting that perhaps we move up through the nursery with our keychildren - which means we get to see the children progress and get to know them really well and their parents and also gives us variety rather than seeing a child for 4 months and then getting a new one to have to get to know, understand etc... sounds like a pretty good idea to me!

All in all I have hope that they are finally realising what a state our nursery was in and are actually wanting to make some real changes. However it is gonna take some time and I don't know if I am being moved units in all the changes - but as my room leader handed in her notice yesterday I doubt they will move anyone from our unit because that only leaves 2 full time and a part time assistant for our unit. I have also told my room leader she needs to spend the next month showing me the ins and outs of the paperwork because without her we are going to be stuffed!!

So lots of change is happening but it all feels good so far and it is all starting to fall into place!

Ouch!

Ok - first off - this is another moan-post so apologies and please skip it if you like!

I think I must have an infection... I never felt completely well after my conjunctivitis and now all my joints ache so much! I have hypermobility of the joints and whereas that caused me mega pain when I was a teenager I hardly notice it anymore. If my joints hurt it usually means either there is a marked change in the weather or I am ill :o(

They've been hurting for a few days - first a sharp stabbing pain in my knee, like it is going to collapse under me, when I walked down the stairs and then aching in my wrists. Yesterday at work it got worse, however. I had pins and needles in my hands (weird feeling that one was), I felt so weak I really stuggled to pick up babies I usually manage to swing about and hold high above my head and I feared my wrists or knees or ankles would give way and I'd fall or hurt one of them. Then someone mentioned I looked ill and about an hour later I actually began to feel very sick too. *sigh*. The worst part is that even though I feel like absolute crap today I still have to go into work because a) we're having a staff meeting after work which is crucial everybody attend (it is related to all the changes they are making within the nursery as a result of all the complaints - whoo hoo) and b) I can't afford the day off. Luckily the girl I work with told me that she'd make it an easy day for me - feeding bottles and filling in paperwork rather than cleaning tables and floors and changing tons of nappies...

I hate being ill/in pain - that's a silly thing to say, everybody hates it lol - but I hate it because it makes me grumpy. I like to be happy and calm and my workplace is often stressed and grumpy enough as it is. I lost my temper with a girl yesterday and I felt so bad - of course I lost it because she was failing to do her job properly repeatedly (she always does) but normally I would try tactfully talking to her - yesterday I just yelled at her. I really hate being a grump... thankfully someone at work told me my being a "grump" is most people's "normal" so perhaps I just get too worried about not being happy, nice and friendly Amanda...

I just hope today is a relatively easy day because I'm gonna be at work for probably 12 hours when you count the meeting and the nursery does not do letting you go home if you're sick... even if you're throwing up or have a swollen eye/face (like a girl did last week) it is not an option and yesterday I was told "don't say that" when I said I felt ill and "go have a little break" *sigh* I love my work but sometimes it really sucks...

Going for another dream

I've decided that for now I amgoing to stick it out at the nursery and keep a record of what is happening to cover my back if anything does happen or I need to contact someone to tell them what is going on. I feel it would be completely wrong to uproot myself again and I need the stability of this job for me to finally work on the next stage of one of my other lifelong dreams.

I have always wanted to write... I cannot remember a time when I didn't love writing (and crafting of all sorts but mostly the writing). But it never seemed plausible until I was about 16 and suddenly my writing took on a whole new quality. Now I very rarely question the quality of it because it has come on so much. My dad has been telling me for years that I am going to write a book - he has no doubt about it and whereas initially I thought this was simply father's pride I now believe he may have a point! I am meant to write and it is just a case of letting go of any fears related to my worth and just doing it.

I have had a couple of poems published online and in American anthologies through www.poetry.com and have self-published some on another blog. But I have dreamt of self-publishing a proper book fora couple of years now. I have been planning on publishing one of these but unfortunately have never had the money to pay out the initial outlay. My mum suggested I ask my dad for a loan but I couldn't ask him (I have issues with receiving money) and as I am still struggling to pay off my overdraft from uni on the wage I am currently on I can see it being a long time before I can manage it. Part of me feels I should simply trust because I was planning on having 100 books made and selling them at a £2 profit - so I would only have to sell a fraction of them to get my money back. I also know that through friends and family I could possibly meet that target straight away... however I have not yet found the courage to trust it...

I feel like I should be writing more... I have the feeling there is so much to come out - but I am blocking it in for some reason. I am a highly creative person and can easily imagine myself being an accomplished writer, creating poetry and short stories, fiction for children and all sorts of beautiful ways to display my work. I believe I can get there one day - but I never seem to take the steps towards getting there.

So I am going to devote today to research and writing I think - wish me luck! And if any of you have any ideas, suggestions of experience of starting up on your own I would really appreciate any advice or experiences you are willing to share with me!!

Have a lovely day!

Shambles

OMG! My nursery is so unbelievably useless I cannot believe it!

This week I have done 2 and 3/4 hours overtime - I had agreed to do 1 and a half!! This is how it went...

Wednesday I turned up to be informed that one of the girls in our room had holiday booked for Thursday and Friday. This is a problem because another member of our staff doesn't work Thursday afternoons or Fridays at all. This left me and another girl to work alongside agency and releif staff, who don't know our children so can't do much other than what we ask them to do which is also limited to feeding bottles and cuddling them... we have to do the nappy changes, make sure the milks are done on time, give feedback to the parents etc. So being down from 3 staff to 2 makes a lot of difference! Add on top of that the fact that the other girl was on an early shift and left at 3:30 and most of our babies leave after 5:30 - often as late as 6pm this was a BIG problem. On top of that I am still not police checked, I have no qualifications and having only been there 2 months I still haven't done a late shift and had never been left in charge of them room... but for two days running I have had to make sure everything is done properly and on time with random members of staff coming in and out of the room all the time!! And because of this I ended up working lots of overtime!

And it has really stressed me out. Yesterday I turned up to work to find that the unit co-ordinator (who is to become our manager - something they lied to us about completely I might add!) had forgotten to put me on the rota and because she had moved one of her "strong" members of staff (strong as in actually works hard and puts the babies first) into my unit and she needed a strong member of staff in her unit I was going to be working in her unit until 2:30... how much sense does that make?? I had to give feedback to parents on children I hadn't even seen for half of the day!!

And then when I told her she *had* to send someone who was police checked to my unit to help me she kept sending people who were leaving 15 minutes later... meaning I had to keep telling new people the names of the babies, how things work in our unit etc etc...

But that was nothing compared to today!! I made so many mistakes today!! Some of the milks were an hour and a half late, I forgot I had sent the relief member of staff to make milks (and she took 40 minutes doing so whilst chatting GRRRRR) and so I left the agency worker in the room with the babies and a parent on their own (which is a massive no-no) to go change a nappy for said parent...

Then because there were still about 2 babies in the two units and members of staff were rapidly going home as their shifts ended we had to rush the nappies and join the two units up and clean up and rush around like mad and the nappies got held up and I then realised that some hadn't been changed for 5-6 hours!!! omg!!! I felt sooooo bad...

And the worst part is someone told me to make it up (we get quite a lot of spineless people working there who would rather lie than face up to a mistake - it p*sses me off BIG TIME!! These are children for God's sake - you can't lie about it!!!). I told them what I thought to that and if the company or the parents get on my back I will accept I made a mistake but I will also be non-too polite about what I think to their policies and leaving me in charge of all this - there is no way one person can do all I had to do and get it all right... I know this... but at the same time I feel awful because those babies were in my care and I failed to give them all they needed...

I can cope with being put upon and the long hours but I cannot stand for the ways the babies get messed around. HR have sent loads of people this week to make changes - but their changes involve changing the units and staff around when they know nothing about the babies and some of them I wonder if they have ever worked much with children - for example a "specialist" today woke a baby who had chicken pox - yes chicken pox is also going round our nursery atm - just because his leg was hanging out the cot through the slats and she thought this was far too awful to leave - and he cried and cried and cried - and just when he'd settled she did it AGAIN!!!

omg I am sooooo royaly p*ssed off right now!! If I didn't love the babies so very much I'd be applying for every job under the sun to get out of this place - it prays on my conscience far too much - I have been waking up numerous times in the night these past few weeks... but I love my babies far too much to leave and some of the people I work with are wonderful too... and I do love getting up and going to work and seeing them - so much - and talking to the parents is great... I just wish there was something more I could do - this nursery really needs a kick up the backside... I am dreading a day when something major happens and it all falls onto our heads. That sounds awful - I'm not just thinking of my career here - the children's welfare obviously comes above anything else in my book... I just hope it is just this one nursery and it's not like it everywhere...

So do I stay or do I go? I have a lot of thinking to do...