Another lie

I was gonna leave this lie 'til last because there's a big story behind it... but as I am feeling quite rotten at the moment (I even took a day off work) I thought I'd crack right on with it and get it out the way. Be warned it is a very long post but hopefully it is fairly interesting!

So the next lie is #4 I have been a Buddhist for 5 years now and always make time to meditate each morning and night. I even get up at 5:30am 3 days a week to enable me to practise yoga before going to work too.

I'm not a Buddhist - I don't even know that much about Buddhism to be quite honest with you. I do meditate but very rarely and the only time I have ever gotten up at 5:30 regularly was when I was working at the nursery and had to... although I have to say I do like getting up early and seeing the world whilst those around me are still sleeping - it's like my own special time.

I chose to include this lie though because it opened the door for me to talk a little about what I believe in because my beliefs are a major part of my life but I never really talk about them on here. I choose not to because a) I don't want to sound like I'm preaching b) I don't want to offend anybody and c) I don't want to end up having to try and justify my beliefs on my blog because I've been there before and I wanted my blog to be quite light-hearted. That being said, my beliefs are a major part of my life and I don't feel like holding them back so tightly anymore.

I've added random images through this post to break up the masses of text. They don't really match the text but they are all special to me and my beliefs!

So let's begin at the beginning... my childhood. I grew up in a non-religious, non-spiritual family and my introduction to God came from my school and the occasional compulsory church service when I was a Brownie and later a Girl Guide. I knew God was in Heaven and his son Jesus was born at Christmas and I could pray to him but that was pretty much it. I had no idea what or where Heaven was nor who Jesus really was. All I knew was that before I ate at school I had to say Grace and that God was watching over me. I had an interesting dream sometime during my childhood (but I can't remember how old I was - I was pretty young I'm sure!). I dreamt that God told me I could go and live with him and I was so excited. I ran around my house looking for my parents to tell them but I couldn't find them and had to ask someone to tell them goodbye for me. Then suddenly I was *WHOOSHING* up into the air, through the stars so fast I could hardly breathe and then just as suddenly I stopped. This "Heaven" was not the cloud-filled place I'd heard talk of but just a place in the stars and it was beautiful. But I missed my friends and I asked God if I could go see them and he told me sometimes I could but not right then. I was so sad and that's when he gave me a choice - I either stayed and lived with him or I went back to earth to see my friends but I couldn't have both. I chose to come back and next thing I knew I was in my school playground. Pretty cool dream - and one I remember to this very day!

I had other thoughts and feelings as a child, including lying in bed wondering what I would do with my life and I remember often thinking that it didn't matter what I did (career and family wise) this time round because what I didn't manage this time I could do next time. I'd never even heard of reincarnation but I somehow had the concept in my mind at a very young age. I remember it brought me both comfort and concern in equal measure. One day, whilst at the local swimming pool, I started drilling my dad on what happened when we died and how long we stayed in Heaven before we came back to Earth. I can't remember his answers but I do remember him asking me why I was asking. I never did tell him it was because I was terrified that by the time I died he and my grandparents might have come back to Earth and I wouldn't see them again. It's funny what we think as kids isn't it? I also remember worrying how I would cope being in Heaven without all my books to read lol

When I was 9 my Grandad died after many months of terrible suffering. Around that time my Grandma was going to visit a medium. However she became ill and had to go into hospital herself so my mum and dad went to her appointment instead. That was when our family first started believing in the afterlife. At 9 years old I was quite happy to fit this into my belief system, especially as I should have been a twin and I found great comfort in knowing that someone I had shared the womb with was watching over me as well as God.

At this point my knowledge of Christianity was very poor and I longed to become a Christian and go to church because I believed it would only strengthen and deepen my connection to God. So when my friend asked me to join her church choir when I was 17 I jumped at the chance. The church I joined was Anglican and very formal. The choir members wore cassocks and surplices and we sang all the responses from the Book of Common Worship. Incidentally, my cassock was far too long and when we walked down the aisle singing the first hymn someone always stood on it and many a time did I almost fall flat on my face. For some reason I never thought to lift the hem. I also now own a copy of the Book of Common Prayer which my Great-Grandfather was given "for conduct and attendance" in 1899!

Anyway, I felt very out of my league at that church - I knew nothing about Christianity and I always worried I'd do something wrong, like forget to bow to the altar or something. I also felt so shy I couldn't sing and spent 7 months feeling like a failure and a fraud. I almost left on many occasions, but in a year when I was severely depressed (hey even my grades went from straight As to fails!!) sitting there, each Sunday, feeling closer to God kept me going. But eventually my depression and fear won out and I left in shame one Sunday between the morning and evening services and lost touch with those of the church because a) I felt bad for how I had acted and b) when I went to uni and joined the Christian Union I decided I didn't want to be a Christian at all.

Yeah, the Christian Union kinda spoiled it for me completely. I remember going to meetings and being so excited about renewing my connection with God, especially as I was so scared of going away from home and struggling to settle in. The majority of my time at University was a very dark time and I tottered on the brink of depression more than once. If it hadn't been for finding my faith I don't know how I would have coped. The summer between finishing school and starting university has been a hard one - I had fallen out with my best friend (who had persuaded me to join the church), I had failed my exams and I was going to University which was something I had never planned on doing and which terrified me more than anything. But that summer my Aunty had also taken me under her wing and introduced me to Angels. That had meant so much to me and so when I found myself sat in a CU meeting with the speaker ridiculing those who believed that Angels were friendly and helpful when the Bible states that those who saw Angels were afraid and so should we be I was shocked. It was a wake up call... the more time I spent there the more I realised I didn't like these people who treated others with such disrespect. It wasn't the fact that their belief was different but the way in which they acted.

Now, I know now that this is not the way that all Christians act... I know I met a few very pushy people and that was unfortunate because it sent me into a whole spiritual crisis from which I thought I might never emerge. For years I couldn't use the word God for what I had come to know as God because it felt like blasphemy. I also hid my beliefs from those I knew - I told them I wasn't a Christian but I never told them what I actually believed in for fear of rejection and ridicule. It seemed to me at that time that having no beliefs was more acceptable than having differing beliefs.

So I began searching in other areas and found that I already had very strong beliefs and there were even other people out there who had similar beliefs so I began reading books by like-minded people and my faith grew until I was able to begin to accept that it was ok for me to be a little different. However I still had issues with Christianity - BIG ones. To me it was this awful religion that condemned those who didn't follow the same path and led through fear because this was the only concrete example I had been given.

That's when I was lucky enough to spend 3 months working and living with the Salvation Army in Germany. I don't think my experience could have been any different even if I had tried looking for all my life. The people I lived and worked with knew from the word go that I wasn't a Christian but that I really wanted to spend my time in Germany (a compulsory part of my degree) making a difference rather than sitting in an office somewhere all day long. And they were ok with that - they took me in, invited me to meetings and bible study groups without ever once making me feel like I should go. They cared for me and helped my confidence to grow by giving me tasks such as helping the therapist in the care home carry out activities with the residents, and taking part in the daily activities at the Corps. I even led one of the "women's groups" my final week there because the Officer hadn't had time to prepare and she had a busy morning so she left me with her Bible and her study pack and let me work through it ready for the afternoon's group meeting. I began to see how welcome and wonderful it was to be part of such a community and I still miss that to this day. I felt like a part of something and wished more than anything that I could become a Christian and be a soldier and really make a difference (I was even told by some it was a shame I wasn't a Christian because I would have made a great officer!).

But unfortunately there are still things that I feel within my heart and my soul are true which just do not coincide with Christianity. Sometimes that makes me sad as I truly do miss my time with the army. They were my family for 3 months and are very dear to me, as is their work. But I know it would be a lie and very restricting to deny parts of meyselfto try and be something I'm not. But my time in Germany really opened my eyes and started my healing process towards religion, and Christianity in particular. I lost a lot of my bitterness and began to see the strength and beauty within it.

I realise that I still haven't actually told you what it is I believe, and that is because it is so hard to define - there is no name that describes who I am as I don't follow a set religion. I also know this post is extremely long, but it was all important, to me at least, and shaped who I am today in terms of my beliefs. I suppose the nearest thing you can get to describing me is "New Age" but I hate that term because a) it's a new age as opposed to what old age? b) it is so broad nobody knows what it actually means - it's like putting everybody who doesn't fit into any other category into this one and c) people often have a very stereotypical idea of people who pick and choose what they want to believe and have no real grounding for it.

I have drifted a lot and tried to make things fit with my life, it is true. But through everything I have come to realise that the only thing I can believe is what lies in my heart - what makes sense to me on a soul level rather than a logical/mind level. Whenever I hear something I always try and weigh it against my heart and see whether it makes my heart swell or shrink in fear. For me God is Love and anything that makes me feel love is God-based and anything that makes me fear is human-based.

So I guess now is the time to come clean - what do I actually believe? I've been writing for ages and still haven't told you so let me try and give you a quick overview, just for ease:

I believe in God. I believe God is everything and in everything - so you, me, the sun, the sky, everything is God. I believe that there is a plan, always has been and always will be. I believe we are a part of this plan and all the good and bad things that happen are part of it. I believe we have free will and choose to take whichever path through life but that all eventually lead to God - I do not believe in one true religion or one truth as everything to me is blessed and from God so how can anything be untrue? This means I truly believe all religions are based on truth but have human interpretations placed upon them as this is all we know as humans. So choosing one religion over another is a life-choice, for me, and not one which decides whether you make it to Heaven or not. I believe that we are all connected and so spiritual healing is possible by any living being for any living being (including the earth). I also believe the Angels, and other spiritual beings such as deceased loved ones help and guide us to reach our potential and do what we came here to do. I believe that we can choose to reincarnate if we so wish. I believe there is a reason for everything - even the seemingly bad and evil things in our life and that the murderer (for example) is as much a part of God as the vicar, healer or child. I believe that in essence everything comes from the Light and Love of God but for us to better understand this we choose to live life experiencing lack of Love and Light also - but that the fear, evil and darkness are all created by God so are all to be thanked for their lessons. I also believe that I have only just scratched the surface and will continue to learn throughout my life and beyond.

Ok that was a really condensed overview and I hope it makes sense. I didn't want to waffle on forever about my beliefs because it would take me forever and a day and I don't want to push my beliefs onto anybody else. The point of this post was to see how I had come to the point where I am now - a person with strong beliefs but who doesn't follow any religion. Hopefully this post makes some sense and might explain some of the things I say and some of the things I do too (i.e. Reiki).

Another reason it is important for me to do this is I do not want to be deceitful by holding back my beliefs. I want to be able to say to people "I am praying for you" and know that they know I am praying in my own way. And lastly, I have stopped myself from setting up my business venture of selling my own handmade books and cards because most of my work is spiritual based and it meant showing that part of my life that I have kept closely guarded for many years. Now I feel ready to take that step. I had been planning on doing a post like this for a while and the lies game just made me do it now rather than putting it off indefinately.

If you've made it this far thank you for reading and I do hope it has made sense and not offended anyone - the last thing I want to do is cause a riot! And if you have any questions, ask away...