Further to my post a few days ago about yearning for love, I had a discussion with a close friend of mine over on Shinin Hearts. When asked what I was truly looking for in a man, my answer gave out a lot of answers to what was actually going on.
We discovered that my dream of Love is actually more one of companionship than of a romantic and passionate relationship. And as such I am actually receiving this companionship in the men in my life. Men to me are companions through and through.
We discussed this further and how I have always imagined love to be much more companionable - someone to talk to, share my dreams with, be financially and emotionally stable with - than passionate and romantic. In fact, we discovered, on reflection of what I was saying, that I actually fear that kind of relationship.
For some reason I have an utter fear of letting go - I can't even let close friends see me cry - or even lose my temper in front of people... so how on earth I expect to let go and let my emotions and sexual responses carry me along in a relationship I do not know...
This has worried me for a while - I have never wanted the beginnings of a relationship - rather the stability of knowing someone well...
But that cannot happen - and has not and will not, I am sure...
So... with this in mind I am currently considering doing something like taking up belly dancing lessons or even just normal dancing lessons, to help me connect with a more passionate side of myself. I've just got to find a class and a bit of courage now...
Monday, 11 December 2006
Saturday, 9 December 2006
To blog or not to blog - that is the question
Although I find writing here on a regular basis very therapeutic I am unsure as to whether I should simply write on my laptop rather than on the web.
I'm unsure of my reasons for blogging to be quite honest... I love reading a variety of blogs and once I had set up my blogs for my writing (which was easier than setting up a good looking website which I had tried before) I decided to set up this one so that at least if I commented on someone's blog I wouldn't be some random, obscure nobody... why the thought of being that bothers me I am not quite sure atm... I am sure I will figure it out with time.
But because of this and the nature of my ramblings I'm not sure whether it's worth keeping the blog going or not. My parents apparently had a look at it the other day and my dad told me I should be really careful what I write here - in particular he was worried about my post on daycare (which I have since deleted from the internet) because he was afraid that I might offend someone and I couldn't be bothered to argue... to be fair the last thing I want to do is offend someone - I only wrote my opinion because it was strong in my mind that day!
So for the time being I am going to keep the blog going, simply because I haven't decided whether to delete it or not and I don't want to have to go through the process of setting it up again if I later decide I want one. Perhaps the way to go is to turn this blog into a themed blog and only post things related to one aspect of my life and journal my random musings on my laptop. I'll have to think a bit more about this one...
I'm unsure of my reasons for blogging to be quite honest... I love reading a variety of blogs and once I had set up my blogs for my writing (which was easier than setting up a good looking website which I had tried before) I decided to set up this one so that at least if I commented on someone's blog I wouldn't be some random, obscure nobody... why the thought of being that bothers me I am not quite sure atm... I am sure I will figure it out with time.
But because of this and the nature of my ramblings I'm not sure whether it's worth keeping the blog going or not. My parents apparently had a look at it the other day and my dad told me I should be really careful what I write here - in particular he was worried about my post on daycare (which I have since deleted from the internet) because he was afraid that I might offend someone and I couldn't be bothered to argue... to be fair the last thing I want to do is offend someone - I only wrote my opinion because it was strong in my mind that day!
So for the time being I am going to keep the blog going, simply because I haven't decided whether to delete it or not and I don't want to have to go through the process of setting it up again if I later decide I want one. Perhaps the way to go is to turn this blog into a themed blog and only post things related to one aspect of my life and journal my random musings on my laptop. I'll have to think a bit more about this one...
Friday, 8 December 2006
Sick again :o(
I am sooo ill... I have had this cold for most of this week and although it has been hard work coping with the long days it hasn't been the worst... until today...
I slept through two alarm clocks somehow and woke up 25 minutes after I should have started work!! And work is an hour away!! So I called in, apologised profusely and assured them I'd be in by the time the late shift started and ran out the door to catch my bus. Only when I got on the bus did I realise I had left my snacks at home so I had no breakfast and no chance to go buy anything for my morning break.
So in my morning break I drank half a cup of tea - which I never drink but I needed something to keep me going... and then finally managed to force down a jacket potato at lunch around 1pm. I then had to work until 6:15 which was a killer... because I really do feel like crap.
My sinuses are clearing but that means I am blowing my nose every 5 minutes and it is making me a bit dizzy - I have a chesty cough and every time I cough I retch and my head shoots with pain, my glands are all swollen and my joints all ache. Add to that the fact that my job involves running between feeding, changing, interacting with and reassuring a room full of 12 babies under the age of 1 - well you can guess how fun my day was!!
My unit leader kept saying "are you sure you're alright?" "You're not your usual self" "You're really poorly, I wish I could make you feel better!" She is a darling and I love her!! She told me that if I still feel ill by Monday to not bother going in. When I replied that I felt bad because I'd already had two days off and have only been there two weeks she told me that if I was worried they might sack me not to be because that ain't gonna happen... does that mean she thinks I'm worth keeping??
Anyway - half the problem with taking time off is that I don't get paid any sick pay. My housemate didn't believe me when I told him this and almost demanded to see my contract lol. It is really crappy - cos I cannot afford to miss work unless I am really ill - like when I couldn't keep anything down and possibly like today...
My housemate keeps telling me to go back to the doctors because there must be something they can do to help boost my immune system - but my uncle has given me a load of herbs to help with that and my experience with the doctors in this area is that they believe there isn't much they can do and we should just keep going... either I've had really rubbish doctors or I'm just not strong enough to say "this is really crap I need help!"
Anyway - all plans I had for the weekend have been scrapped and I'm just gonna spend the time lazing around the house, with hot drinks (made by my housemate - bless him he's a darling) and cuddling a hot water bottle and watching seasonal films! Sounds good!
I slept through two alarm clocks somehow and woke up 25 minutes after I should have started work!! And work is an hour away!! So I called in, apologised profusely and assured them I'd be in by the time the late shift started and ran out the door to catch my bus. Only when I got on the bus did I realise I had left my snacks at home so I had no breakfast and no chance to go buy anything for my morning break.
So in my morning break I drank half a cup of tea - which I never drink but I needed something to keep me going... and then finally managed to force down a jacket potato at lunch around 1pm. I then had to work until 6:15 which was a killer... because I really do feel like crap.
My sinuses are clearing but that means I am blowing my nose every 5 minutes and it is making me a bit dizzy - I have a chesty cough and every time I cough I retch and my head shoots with pain, my glands are all swollen and my joints all ache. Add to that the fact that my job involves running between feeding, changing, interacting with and reassuring a room full of 12 babies under the age of 1 - well you can guess how fun my day was!!
My unit leader kept saying "are you sure you're alright?" "You're not your usual self" "You're really poorly, I wish I could make you feel better!" She is a darling and I love her!! She told me that if I still feel ill by Monday to not bother going in. When I replied that I felt bad because I'd already had two days off and have only been there two weeks she told me that if I was worried they might sack me not to be because that ain't gonna happen... does that mean she thinks I'm worth keeping??
Anyway - half the problem with taking time off is that I don't get paid any sick pay. My housemate didn't believe me when I told him this and almost demanded to see my contract lol. It is really crappy - cos I cannot afford to miss work unless I am really ill - like when I couldn't keep anything down and possibly like today...
My housemate keeps telling me to go back to the doctors because there must be something they can do to help boost my immune system - but my uncle has given me a load of herbs to help with that and my experience with the doctors in this area is that they believe there isn't much they can do and we should just keep going... either I've had really rubbish doctors or I'm just not strong enough to say "this is really crap I need help!"
Anyway - all plans I had for the weekend have been scrapped and I'm just gonna spend the time lazing around the house, with hot drinks (made by my housemate - bless him he's a darling) and cuddling a hot water bottle and watching seasonal films! Sounds good!
Thursday, 7 December 2006
Will I ever find love?
I am so goshdarn broody it isn't fair!! I've been broody on and off since I was about 10 but working with the babies has just upped the intensity yet another notch! I knew working with them would do one of two things - make me broodier or put me off having my own kids lol - I'm very glad the first one happened - but it's a bit of a pain...
I can't be broody - it's not fair, because I have no way of acting upon this instinctual urge, what with no man in tow (or even on the horizon). I got quite philosophical about it on the bus to work yesterday, actually.
The thing is - I've never been in a relationship. Not really. I don't consider the "online relationship" I had with a boy at 16 one - as we never met and it was purely a feeling of "omg someone loves me" that kept it going as long as it did (which wasn't long!) And as for my first kiss - well that was with my best friend at uni, who was in love with another girl entirely - and although I fought my feelings for him for so long, when he kissed me I couldn't resist and boy did that get messy for all of a few days - until my sense kicked in. Ironically I ended up supporting him and giving him advice when they did finally get together - why, I ask you!!
It's strange because so many people talk to me about their relationships - as if I know anything about what they're going through... and if I'm completely honest, it hurts a lot of the time. I am a complete romantic and yearn so much to have somebody to love. But I'm not the sort of person who can just go out and meet somebody and have a bit of fun... for me it has to be a big thing...
I remember having this conversation with my sister and my dad last summer and being told by the two of them that I am far too picky and will never meet someone this way. That hurt - because I can no more change the way I feel than I can my height - I can add a few inches superficially but take away the shoes (or whatever emotional aspect the shoes represent in this analogy - I am too confused to work it out for myself lol) and I am still a little squirt!
So when will I meet a guy who I love? When will I meet a guy who loves me for me and not because I am a "nice dependable girl". Will I ever - can I just say the thought that this may never happen fills me with fear - yeah ok I'm only 22 but still - I get antsy about it...
I would never want to start a relationship purely out of need to be in one - but am I blocking out potentials for fear of doing so? Is my inexperience making me fear certain possibilities? Do I need to change my attitude to love? Damn the broodiness for bringing up all these thoughts!!!
I can't be broody - it's not fair, because I have no way of acting upon this instinctual urge, what with no man in tow (or even on the horizon). I got quite philosophical about it on the bus to work yesterday, actually.
The thing is - I've never been in a relationship. Not really. I don't consider the "online relationship" I had with a boy at 16 one - as we never met and it was purely a feeling of "omg someone loves me" that kept it going as long as it did (which wasn't long!) And as for my first kiss - well that was with my best friend at uni, who was in love with another girl entirely - and although I fought my feelings for him for so long, when he kissed me I couldn't resist and boy did that get messy for all of a few days - until my sense kicked in. Ironically I ended up supporting him and giving him advice when they did finally get together - why, I ask you!!
It's strange because so many people talk to me about their relationships - as if I know anything about what they're going through... and if I'm completely honest, it hurts a lot of the time. I am a complete romantic and yearn so much to have somebody to love. But I'm not the sort of person who can just go out and meet somebody and have a bit of fun... for me it has to be a big thing...
I remember having this conversation with my sister and my dad last summer and being told by the two of them that I am far too picky and will never meet someone this way. That hurt - because I can no more change the way I feel than I can my height - I can add a few inches superficially but take away the shoes (or whatever emotional aspect the shoes represent in this analogy - I am too confused to work it out for myself lol) and I am still a little squirt!
So when will I meet a guy who I love? When will I meet a guy who loves me for me and not because I am a "nice dependable girl". Will I ever - can I just say the thought that this may never happen fills me with fear - yeah ok I'm only 22 but still - I get antsy about it...
I would never want to start a relationship purely out of need to be in one - but am I blocking out potentials for fear of doing so? Is my inexperience making me fear certain possibilities? Do I need to change my attitude to love? Damn the broodiness for bringing up all these thoughts!!!
Wednesday, 6 December 2006
Back to childcare
It struck me today that my blog has become a bit random - rather than focusing on living the dream of working in childcare which I had intended it to be (though of course usually what I intend for things to be is never what they actually turn out to be so I don't know why I was so surprised!).
So back to the childcare...
Today I turned up to find two workers in a room with 16 yes that's 16 babies!!! We're supposed to be a ratio of 1:3 - so much for that - today unit 1 had 18 babies and unit 2 had 11 (unit 2, my unit, managed to meet the ratio target but unit 1 didn't!)
What annoyes us the most is that we had new parents coming in for a visit to see what the nursery was about and so we had to hide the fact that we had 6 more children than we should have in one unit... one was handed over to our unit and the other 5 sent to another room with an assistant - I mean, seriously, how crap is that?!?!?!
However there is an upside to working at the nursery - we had a staff meeting today (at 6:15pm I might add when I finished my shift at 4:45 and had to sit around doing nothing for an hour and a half!) where we were introduced to the new planning concepts and key workers schemes which will be put in place from January - this means each employee will have 3 or 4 children within a certain age range for which they have to plan activities for each day of the week to cover the 4 target areas of the government's Birth to Three Matters framework. This really excites me because it means I will be more involved in planning for the intellectualy, social, emotional and physical needs and development of a specific group of children and get to do observation work and feedback to the parents more!
Most of the assistants were unhappy about these changes, about all the paperwork involved etc - but I am used to doing paperwork - when I worked in the care home in Germany I had to document every single activity I did with any of the residents - it makes sense and I prefer it that way - it means you actively play a role in the welfare of those in your care rather than simply going along day-by-day... something that I think is extremely important in an environment such as the nursery where it is often difficult to spend quality time with all the babies. This new scheme should really help us to make sure each child receives at greater standard of care each and every day rather than simply being fed, changed and having a cuddle here and there...
Another plus is that we will soon be learning baby yoga, baby massage and baby sign-language... three things I am so very excited about I cannot begin to tell you... and not only are we learning how to do them - we are actually doing certificated courses in them!! And it's all part of the job!!
Oh how I love my work - even if there are aspects I hate - the other bits sure make up for it!
So back to the childcare...
Today I turned up to find two workers in a room with 16 yes that's 16 babies!!! We're supposed to be a ratio of 1:3 - so much for that - today unit 1 had 18 babies and unit 2 had 11 (unit 2, my unit, managed to meet the ratio target but unit 1 didn't!)
What annoyes us the most is that we had new parents coming in for a visit to see what the nursery was about and so we had to hide the fact that we had 6 more children than we should have in one unit... one was handed over to our unit and the other 5 sent to another room with an assistant - I mean, seriously, how crap is that?!?!?!
However there is an upside to working at the nursery - we had a staff meeting today (at 6:15pm I might add when I finished my shift at 4:45 and had to sit around doing nothing for an hour and a half!) where we were introduced to the new planning concepts and key workers schemes which will be put in place from January - this means each employee will have 3 or 4 children within a certain age range for which they have to plan activities for each day of the week to cover the 4 target areas of the government's Birth to Three Matters framework. This really excites me because it means I will be more involved in planning for the intellectualy, social, emotional and physical needs and development of a specific group of children and get to do observation work and feedback to the parents more!
Most of the assistants were unhappy about these changes, about all the paperwork involved etc - but I am used to doing paperwork - when I worked in the care home in Germany I had to document every single activity I did with any of the residents - it makes sense and I prefer it that way - it means you actively play a role in the welfare of those in your care rather than simply going along day-by-day... something that I think is extremely important in an environment such as the nursery where it is often difficult to spend quality time with all the babies. This new scheme should really help us to make sure each child receives at greater standard of care each and every day rather than simply being fed, changed and having a cuddle here and there...
Another plus is that we will soon be learning baby yoga, baby massage and baby sign-language... three things I am so very excited about I cannot begin to tell you... and not only are we learning how to do them - we are actually doing certificated courses in them!! And it's all part of the job!!
Oh how I love my work - even if there are aspects I hate - the other bits sure make up for it!
Monday, 4 December 2006
Blogging overload...
I'm in full swing - my third post in 24 hours - boy when I get going I really get going lol
I had the worst night ever last night - couldn't sleep cos I had such a sore throat my teeth ache - how weird is that?! As such when I did sleep I had the weirdest dreams. I actually often have weird draems and they're usually related to my thought processes of the time... so I wonder what these dreams are related to...? The first one I can remember revolved around me going to the doctor's for something (with my mum and little sister in tow) and finding out I was pregnant with twins (I even saw them on the scan!) The worst (or perhaps best entertainment wise) part of this dream was the fact that I kept think "how can this have happened - I haven't slept with anyone?!?!?! I was racking my brains in my dream so hard trying to think if I had possibly come into contact with any man long enough to have done anything which could have resulted in my being pregnant that I woke up thinking I was expecting too rofl!!! I then went on to dream about random things as being pulled out to sea by the undercurrent and having to be saved with a little help from a friend and also having to tell my dad that my sister and mum were going to bed at 7:15pm so they wouldn't be able to unlock the door for him when he got home - I love my dreams they are soooo funny sometimes... however after all of those dreams I was quite ready to get up at 4am rather than waiting that extra hour until the hour I had planned to get up...
But I didn't - I used that time wisely to think things through and I realised that I don't need to stop dreaming of the future full stop to live in the now - I simply have to organise (so to speak) my dream list - into dreams for the future and dreams I can live right now... so that's what I'm gonna do:
In fact - let's start with the ones I've already done/am already living...
Have Lived
Live in another country - done in 2004/2005 in both Germany and Russia
Volunteer - done in Germany (old people's home) and summers '03/'04/'06 (week long camp for disabled girls)
Living Now
Work with children
Live in Cambridge
Publish my poetry and children's stories online
Dreams I could live now
Improve my knitting/crochet skills
Take up photography
Exercise more
Dreams for the near(ish) future
Move into my own place
Find a partner (this is a must for my sanity - lol - and for some of the dreams for the future)
Go on holiday
Improve my German
Dreams for the future
Have a family
Publish my work in print form
Live more ecologically minded
Learn to dance
Put music to my poetry (either by learning to play myself or working with a musically gifted person)
Dreams I have which might never come true and which I accept (just about lol)
Be organised
Be a tidy person
This list is a work in progress - it is really good to look at my dreams this way - it helps to see what I have already achieved and what is actually achieveable now - so I spend less time dreaming of it and more time living it... the exercise of writing the list also helped me to look within and really work out what it was that I really wanted. Anyone else fancy trying it?
On another note - I can't quite decide what to do with the look of this blog... it seems a bit plain to me - I like having it more personalised - but I just don't know what to do with this one... any ideas?!
I had the worst night ever last night - couldn't sleep cos I had such a sore throat my teeth ache - how weird is that?! As such when I did sleep I had the weirdest dreams. I actually often have weird draems and they're usually related to my thought processes of the time... so I wonder what these dreams are related to...? The first one I can remember revolved around me going to the doctor's for something (with my mum and little sister in tow) and finding out I was pregnant with twins (I even saw them on the scan!) The worst (or perhaps best entertainment wise) part of this dream was the fact that I kept think "how can this have happened - I haven't slept with anyone?!?!?! I was racking my brains in my dream so hard trying to think if I had possibly come into contact with any man long enough to have done anything which could have resulted in my being pregnant that I woke up thinking I was expecting too rofl!!! I then went on to dream about random things as being pulled out to sea by the undercurrent and having to be saved with a little help from a friend and also having to tell my dad that my sister and mum were going to bed at 7:15pm so they wouldn't be able to unlock the door for him when he got home - I love my dreams they are soooo funny sometimes... however after all of those dreams I was quite ready to get up at 4am rather than waiting that extra hour until the hour I had planned to get up...
But I didn't - I used that time wisely to think things through and I realised that I don't need to stop dreaming of the future full stop to live in the now - I simply have to organise (so to speak) my dream list - into dreams for the future and dreams I can live right now... so that's what I'm gonna do:
In fact - let's start with the ones I've already done/am already living...
Have Lived
Live in another country - done in 2004/2005 in both Germany and Russia
Volunteer - done in Germany (old people's home) and summers '03/'04/'06 (week long camp for disabled girls)
Living Now
Work with children
Live in Cambridge
Publish my poetry and children's stories online
Dreams I could live now
Improve my knitting/crochet skills
Take up photography
Exercise more
Dreams for the near(ish) future
Move into my own place
Find a partner (this is a must for my sanity - lol - and for some of the dreams for the future)
Go on holiday
Improve my German
Dreams for the future
Have a family
Publish my work in print form
Live more ecologically minded
Learn to dance
Put music to my poetry (either by learning to play myself or working with a musically gifted person)
Dreams I have which might never come true and which I accept (just about lol)
Be organised
Be a tidy person
This list is a work in progress - it is really good to look at my dreams this way - it helps to see what I have already achieved and what is actually achieveable now - so I spend less time dreaming of it and more time living it... the exercise of writing the list also helped me to look within and really work out what it was that I really wanted. Anyone else fancy trying it?
On another note - I can't quite decide what to do with the look of this blog... it seems a bit plain to me - I like having it more personalised - but I just don't know what to do with this one... any ideas?!
Sunday, 3 December 2006
On the way up
I'm feeling better - both physically and emotionally...
It's amazing what a difference a couple of days and a change in perception can do for you! Just being able to get a decent meal inside me and being able to go back to work and not feel like a completely useless person gave me chance to really think about things...
I am far too hard on myself - I am the first person to admit that... I am often told I am not proud enough of myself and that I expect way too much - and it's true... the worst part of it is I don't only expect too much from myself but expect just as much from others as well!! Hence I am always disappointed...
So I began shifting my perception the other day - trying to let go and relax and realise that life is for living rather than worrying about the future... Easier said than done, I am breaking the habit of a lifetime!
It helped that I bought a fantastic magazine (called Psychologies) whose main features this month was perfectionism... and so much of what it said made sense to me - not just because it was logical but also because I had come to think the same things in the past myself.
The best part, for me, was realising my skewed perception of "doing one's best". At uni I often had people saying to me "it doesn't matter what you get, as long as you try your best" or my parents saying "we know you have done your best and worked hard!"
For me "doing my best" meant doing the best I could possibly do which included working myself into ill health and stressing about not getting the top marks as I *should* be capapble of them - if only I hadn't taken that break to watch that film or had been more organised with my time blah blah blah...
I've come to realise that actually "doing one's best" means doing the best one can do whilst having a life and enjoying it - if that means prioritising and giving oneself a break to watch a film or meet with friends for your sanity's sake - then that is what your best is...
So those phrases, which were said as encouragement at uni, actually used to instill guilt and anxiety within me for the fact that people thought I was doing more than I was... when in fact I was most likely doing more than anyone ever expected me too... I was comparing myself to an ideal which nobody could ever keep up with...
To the same extent, as an intelleigent person, my achievements in the academic field were where I got the most praise - and hence doing well became so important for me - for I associated it with pride, praise and love... so I stuck with something I absolutely hated just for that... or rather something I used to enjoy myself became something I hated as the standards were raised for I could no longer reach them as easily as before and my life became one big stress-fest...
Such was my thinking and it hasn't changed overnight... I recognise these patterns within myself but old habits die hard and I still find myself falling into the traps - hence my absolute depression of last week (which is a recurring trend and one I plan to break).
So yesterday I had planned to tidy my bedroom because a) it was a mess and annoying me and b) I was ashamed of it and feared someone seeing it (for I have always received negativity from my mother about my untidiness and as such I feel deep shame related to it). But instead I chose to try out a couple of recipes for Christmas cookies before making them as gifts for people... I had a whale of a time - made a complete mess of myself and the kitchen (lol) and felt good for the first time in ages... this is what I needed - time to be me and enjoy myself... and it gave me even more time to think about what *I* want rather than what I think others want of me...
Today I am gradually tackling my bedroom because it is annoying me - I want a tidy room for me! And I feel good - although the nursery setting at work is not always something I agree with (something I shall post about later) I love working with the children and coming home and having time for me! This is something I need and is long overdue... I have all the time in the world to achieve my other dreams - and I have achieved far more than I ever dreamed I would in just a few short years... some of which *I* wanted but most of which I thought was impressive and would look good...
So now I'm trying to live for me and it feels good...
It's amazing what a difference a couple of days and a change in perception can do for you! Just being able to get a decent meal inside me and being able to go back to work and not feel like a completely useless person gave me chance to really think about things...
I am far too hard on myself - I am the first person to admit that... I am often told I am not proud enough of myself and that I expect way too much - and it's true... the worst part of it is I don't only expect too much from myself but expect just as much from others as well!! Hence I am always disappointed...
So I began shifting my perception the other day - trying to let go and relax and realise that life is for living rather than worrying about the future... Easier said than done, I am breaking the habit of a lifetime!
It helped that I bought a fantastic magazine (called Psychologies) whose main features this month was perfectionism... and so much of what it said made sense to me - not just because it was logical but also because I had come to think the same things in the past myself.
The best part, for me, was realising my skewed perception of "doing one's best". At uni I often had people saying to me "it doesn't matter what you get, as long as you try your best" or my parents saying "we know you have done your best and worked hard!"
For me "doing my best" meant doing the best I could possibly do which included working myself into ill health and stressing about not getting the top marks as I *should* be capapble of them - if only I hadn't taken that break to watch that film or had been more organised with my time blah blah blah...
I've come to realise that actually "doing one's best" means doing the best one can do whilst having a life and enjoying it - if that means prioritising and giving oneself a break to watch a film or meet with friends for your sanity's sake - then that is what your best is...
So those phrases, which were said as encouragement at uni, actually used to instill guilt and anxiety within me for the fact that people thought I was doing more than I was... when in fact I was most likely doing more than anyone ever expected me too... I was comparing myself to an ideal which nobody could ever keep up with...
To the same extent, as an intelleigent person, my achievements in the academic field were where I got the most praise - and hence doing well became so important for me - for I associated it with pride, praise and love... so I stuck with something I absolutely hated just for that... or rather something I used to enjoy myself became something I hated as the standards were raised for I could no longer reach them as easily as before and my life became one big stress-fest...
Such was my thinking and it hasn't changed overnight... I recognise these patterns within myself but old habits die hard and I still find myself falling into the traps - hence my absolute depression of last week (which is a recurring trend and one I plan to break).
So yesterday I had planned to tidy my bedroom because a) it was a mess and annoying me and b) I was ashamed of it and feared someone seeing it (for I have always received negativity from my mother about my untidiness and as such I feel deep shame related to it). But instead I chose to try out a couple of recipes for Christmas cookies before making them as gifts for people... I had a whale of a time - made a complete mess of myself and the kitchen (lol) and felt good for the first time in ages... this is what I needed - time to be me and enjoy myself... and it gave me even more time to think about what *I* want rather than what I think others want of me...
Today I am gradually tackling my bedroom because it is annoying me - I want a tidy room for me! And I feel good - although the nursery setting at work is not always something I agree with (something I shall post about later) I love working with the children and coming home and having time for me! This is something I need and is long overdue... I have all the time in the world to achieve my other dreams - and I have achieved far more than I ever dreamed I would in just a few short years... some of which *I* wanted but most of which I thought was impressive and would look good...
So now I'm trying to live for me and it feels good...
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