I've found myself in a place I have never truly allowed myself to be as an adult - letting go of looking after others to look after myself! Since starting uni at 18 I have worked as a careworker (mostly voluntary up until the past few months) looking after disabled teenagers, elderly residents in a care home and babies and young children. Even before going to uni my "need" to look after people caused me to put everybody before myself - this was something I prided myself on so much! And yet, I was never truly happy, because I never looked after myself or "allowed" myself to be cared for. There was a fear that I would take too much, would be seen as lazy or uncaring if I didn't act a certain way and although I care/d for others out of a desire to, the extent to which I did so was spurred on by fear! Essentially, my care and love was tainted by jealousy and anger! I guess it is really no wonder I was always so torn and depressed!
I am suddenly making changes in my life that I never thought I'd be able to take and feel peaceful about. I no longer feel the "need" to work in the care-environment to feel good about myself. I *know* I am a loving, caring and helpful person - that doesn't mean I need to put others before myself all the time. I'm also making changes in the time I spend online - at first the internet was a place for me to meet friends - then I began to take on responsibilities that, at the time, helped me to grow. Now I feel is the time to let them go - I have given of my time and energy happily until recently but now it is too much and I need to honour that! I am completely committed, devoted even, to going home and healing my issues - looking back to see what I have learnt, meditating on where I am now and where I am going and really healing the pain I have felt and caused... it is going to be tough and something I ran away from 7 months ago but which I now feel ready to do - I actually feel peaceful about it...
It's strange that, although I adore the babies I work with and although I adore helping others, right now I feel all is perfect and leaving these things behind is exactly as it should be. I am a firm believer in everything happening at the right time and I truly feel as if this is where I am meant to be...
I expect tears, I expect anger, I expect pain... too many years of suppressing them is bound to bring them up once I open the valve I closed them behind. And yet, I know that releasing all of that will make room for joy, happiness, peace and health.
I'm feeling very philosophical today...
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