Sacred Life Sunday - Faith

I've been meaning to do a Sunday post for ages now but never seemed to get around to it. But then, since putting my poll up, 5 out of the 6 voters so far chose "Spirituality" as something they would read - something which shocked me slightly and yet I wonder why it shocked me because spirituality and faith is such an important thing to people.

I guess I just assumed people would not want to read too much or rather I feared talking frankly about it because of offending someone or coming across as "pushy". I've spent a large amount of time over the past few years splitting myself in two - on one hand I was a highly spiritual person, devoting much of my time to exploring my faith - yet on the other I was highly secretive because of wanting to avoid confrontations regarding it. When I was a student at uni you couldn't go anywhere on campus without seeing a poster or passing someone handing out flyers or even being caught in the midst of the "mission week" of one of the religious groups or another. And sometimes I just didn't want to have to deal with that, because their whole "mission" was to convert me, rather than meet me in a central place and actually discuss faith. I got fed up of being preached to and I avoided these people like the plague.

I think that this is a sad thing because faith and spirituality are two of the most important things in my life and I know that I am not alone in this. But so often we become so defensive (I know I have done on so many occasions) because we do not like to have our faith questioned - it is hard! And yet recently I have been finding a fair amount of peace, joy and excitement in really questioning myself and saying "well do I actually believe that or am I just following the party line?"

My faith has helped me survive so many things over the years and it is my faith that keeps me going when times get rough. So many times the hardest thing for me was to get out of bed in the morning and get going. I have felt trapped by financial insecurities, constant assessments, and illness - oh the illness that has been the worst at times. I would go months having one thing after another and being dragged down further and further until I had no more energy left and yet I had to carry on. And I know I am lucky never to have had anything life threatening or that truly affects my entire life, but between the endo and a seemingly weak immune system I would feel my energy just being dragged away from me. These were the times when my faith supported me.

When I went into childcare finally after years of study I thought my dream had come true. I had always wanted to work with children and I was finally doing it - but financially I couldn't cope and that immune system of mine was shot entirely. I left for a while but again found myself coming back into it and this time all the doors were opened for me - I could fast-track to the top. But again finances and health stopped me and I was gutted - why couldn't I do what I loved so much? But you know what, I love my job now and although I know I will not want to do it forever, I feel like this is part of the plan. More and more I feel as if I am being led somewhere and all of those times - the struggles at uni, the pain of illness, the fear of not making next month's rent - all of it is leading me somewhere. And more and more I am finding it easier to surrender to that. When I want to give up and say "no more" my faith comes bubbling up from deep inside and says "just hold on, you can do it" and I can.

This doesn't mean I find life easy but I truly believe that my suffering in whatever form it is, is helping me prepare for something I am meant to do in the future. For example, I find I have far more compassion for others who are ill because of having suffered myself. I also know that I cannot know exactly how someone feels and how lonely it can be to feel ill, so I try never to say "I know how you feel" but rather to think about what I say and let them tell me what it is like. This has made me a far better support worker and carer then I possibly would have been. And the journey I have been on from absolute fear of discussing my faith through to being pleasantly surprised that we're not so different after all has taught me that the only way to dispell fears on both sides is to openly discuss things.

And sometimes my suffering is because I do not listen to my heart and choose to try things my way instead of trusting that there is a greater plan at work. For example, even though it broke my heart to leave childcare I know deep down that I was in it to fill the space in my heart that loves children and wants to be around them and that I was actually trying to make up for the fact I want children in my life and am impatient to wait until we're ready to have a family. But I didn't care about that - I just wanted to be there. Now, however, I realise that leaving childcare has offered me many more opportunities for both the present and the future - I have a lovely new home I wouldn't have if I hadn't left childcare when I did and met a particular colleague and I am learning skills I can use in the future to offer us a better standard of living. If I had continued to ask "why me?" and not accepted there was a greater plan at work I might have chosen to stay in childcare (I almost did turn down this new job) and then when I was really ill with the pseudo-menopause I'd have most likely lost my job rather than having the great support I had from my new employer - support that I continue to get today. We would also still be living in that small, damp, noisy flat instead of this beautiful village house. Ultimately my faith was what helped me make that decision - faith that the opportunity was there for a reason and the reason for my illness and our financial problems at that time was to make me go looking for that opportunity in the first place.

So today I am thankful for faith - and how at the darkest times it can lead us forward, and in the brightest times it celebrates life with us. Whatever you believe I do hope that it brings you happiness, peace and security. Have a lovely Sunday.

Amanda xx