22 and a half days

Thought I'd better update you all on the work situation.

I had an "informal meeting" with my manager as advised by HR to inform me that I won't be hearing from occupational health until after April 1st as we are changing the company who do all that stuff. So that means I have to wait longer to find out what they are going to say. I did find out during this meeting that I have had 22 and a half days off since starting at the end of August last year - which is a lot. I understand that. I also understand that they are concerned because they have not all been for the same thing - even though I have told them they only reason I get so ill so easily is because I am so exhausted from dealing with the symptoms of the endo. Anyway I'm currently trying to use my time to find articles I can take with me to back up my case.

One of the things that has been bothering me is the fact that I remember saying in my interview that my health was fine. It was - I'd just suffered the bout of labyrinthitis and I told them about that but it was the first time I had really struggled with my health since leaving uni in 2006. I had had 2 years symptom free of the endo and although the pain was creeping back in it was manageable and I had not had to take any time off for it - plus I had previously had a scan and all seemed well so why would I worry about it? Aside from the odd stomach bug (which everyone gets especialy when working in nurseries with loads of babies) I had not taken any time off work. But seen as though I've only been there since end of August and my endo has become a continuous nightmare since they tried the Zoladex injections in October it doesn't look good - almost like I lied about my health...

And this thought plagued me all week until I remembered that I had to fill in a health questionnaire before being approved for my job - even though I'd passed the interview I couldn't be accepted until I passed the health check. I wrote down three things on that form - hypermobility of joints, labyrinthitis, and endometriosis. I even spoke to a lady on the phone who was concerned about how standing up for long hours would affect my joints and how the inner ear damage could affect my ability to work - neither of which have been a problem once. And yet she never once mentioned the endo - it didn't even seem to cross her mind that it would be a problem. So if someone from a health screening company didn't think it necessary to bring it up, why would I?

I've spoken to a few people who have put my mind at ease a bit more this week - my dad has told me he gets things from HR about staff under his management and it is a requirement for the company to make sure it is nothing work related that is causing the ill health, and my aunt has told me she was called in my occupational health when she started getting migraines and despite fearing she'd lose her job over it, it all turned out fine. I just wish I'd been working there a little bit longer before all this happened so that I didn't have to worry that people thought I was just lazy and/or weak.

This is, of course, my biggest concern. I know there is nothing I can do, not really, to change what happens with HR and occupational health. I can be informed, sure, and I can make sure they don't try and make me feel bad or pin blame on me, but at the end of the day a policy is a policy and if that means I have to go see them then I have to go see them and there is no point in stressing myself out over it because that just makes me even worse. But there has to be something I can do to ensure those around me do not start to resent me for the extra pressure put upon them. Both my manager and supervisor this week have brought it up with me that my ill health does put pressure on others because I was brought in to ease the pressure they suffered last summer which I have heard was horrendous. Time and again whenever I have mentioned getting tired easily it has been said that I need to build my energy up for the summer (and concern has been shown in their eyes not for how I feel now but for how it may affect the summer months). And although I understand this completely, I also wish it wasn't the case - and again I feel that had I been there longer and shown the resilience and energy levels I used to have just a year ago even, then there might be a bit more compassion.

That being said my manager did try to reassure me that if she didn't care she wouldn't bother sending me to occupation health but would have refused to sign off my probationary period, which she did after the intitial 6 month period despite my long absences. Of course, I am only just over those 6 months and if they take into account how many days I have been off sick I don't now if they are allowed to revoke it, does anyone know? I cannot shake the feeling that I am on very unsteady ground - not because I think they can sack me or anything but because if the summer is as busy as we are expecting and my health does not improve I don't know how much longer my body will keep going - I do not know how to work at a lower level as I have high standards and feel even more under pressure to prove my ability when I do manage to work. And let's be fair, I work in a job where there isn't really much chance of changing my role - I am needed to be there, in the office, on the front counter, every day - no part-time, flexi hours or home working to take the pressure off until my health is better (as the endo leaflet I read suggested) it just wouldn't work for a public information post.

*sigh* - I hate the fact that something like this can happen - I never really realised how much endo can affect your life. Before my diagnosis I was a student and so things were more flexible - I could work from home so long as I made my deadlines. Going out to work and keeping up with the rent and other responsibilities (especially after having T out of work for so many months last year and paying off debts from that) add so much more pressure. I also never realised the different effects it has - before it was the nausea and pain alone - now it is the fatigue and general ill health that gets me, the pain, though bad, is nowhere near what it was before and yet I think now my endo affects me more than it ever did previously. And what is worse is that it is such a silent illness - to everyone else you look healthy, especially if you're like me and cannot show vulnerability and just carry on as if nothing is wrong despite being in agony. And it is such an unknown that even though many people respond with "oh I know someone with endo, it can be so painful can't it?!" they never realise how many other ways it can affect someone - and how could they, I mean I never realised even though I had it myself.

Next week we start the 7 day opening hours in our office, which means that as a full time member of staff I will have to be in the office for 4 full days and 2 half days (that's 6 out of the 7) twice a month. We're hoping to change that to one week of 6 full days and one week of 4 full days but even so it does make it much harder than the winter months of 5 working days. I'm gonna need all the strength I can get - which is why today we did nothing but lay in bed the whole morning and then watch the extended version of The Fellowship of the Ring. And for once I didn't feel like I should be doing more.