Contemplative Christmas

I was so overjoyed to find this nativity scene in the charity shop recently. As a child, however much I loved the tinsel and baubles on the tree the nativity scene was always a favourite addition to the decorations. I find it strange really to think we had a nativity scene now because my family is not Christian and never marked the birth of Christ but rather a joyous time for family and friends in the depth of winter. One of my friends once asked me in my teens what Christmas meant for me if I wasn't a Christian and I found it hard to really say as I'd never thought about it - it just was.

Although my family never celebrated in the Christian tradition I was taught the Christmas Story at school and later as a member of a church choir I was reminded of it once again. As a child I would love to sit by the nativity and think of Mary and Joseph making their journey - this and thinking of santa and his elves took up a great amount of time in advent during my childhood years. I had the exact same faith in santa as I did in God - unquestioned faith that these things existed. I fought so hard not to hear that santa wasn't real (I even made santa and his wife and his elves and the reindeer cards and presents when I was 10 trying my hardest to prove what everybody said was wrong!) In some ways the loss of one belief signalled the end of the other.

I never actually lost all my belief - it just changed. I still believed in the intangible, in something beyond what I could see - but that something became very indistinct. Through the years it developed into what I now believe which in many ways separated me from the Christian faith. I followed my heart and found that it didn't agree with what I had been taught - yet still I would love the quiet moments after everybody else went to bed on Christmas Eve to sit by the tree and think about that night so long ago when a mother and father desperately searched for a place to welcome their son to the world. Such a humbling moment in the fast paced Christmas festivities.

Which is why out of all the characters in my new nativity scene I think my favourite is this shepherd boy. Stood behind the wise men he brings a humble gift of a lamb - it's not what he brings but that he came at all. Last night T and I watched A Muppet Christmas Carol and two things struck me: 1) how amazing it is that a tale about humility and love of mankind has become as much a part of Christmas as the Nativity (well they compliment each other beautifully don't they?) and 2) how very hard life used to be for people and this humbled me more than anything. T and I have had the worst year ever and have reached the limits of our funds yet again. And yet we still have a home - it is cold and damp but its still a home and through the kind generosity of newfound friends we will have a beautiful home next year. And despite one of us being made redundant through health and the other still struggling healthwise we are still together, with a life ahead of us. We don't have to worry about paying for healthcare or putting food on our table as nobody will let us go hungry. Our lives are so much more than many who have gone before us - hard to remember sometimes when the world is bent on telling us how much we need this or that or doomsayers tell us we're heading for deflation...

This is my first Christmas away from my parents - it is a strange prospect not to be with them but I am so excited to spend it with T and start our own traditions for this special time of year. We are hoping to head to a Carol Service tonight. I dreamt about Carols the other night - I honestly cried in my dream at the beauty of them. Everything seems to be taking on new meaning this year. I can't say I'm a believer - I believe in something and I am pretty sure that the Nativity happened in one way or another but I cannot say I am sure I fully believe. But what I can say is that the message of what happened that night so long ago will continue to haunt me (in a good way) this Christmas time and perhaps every Christmas to come. It's a humble Christmas for us this year - I'd love to have more money to treat those I love to things they will cherish - but I am reminded that my love and thoughts are enough.

Apologies if this is a rather sentimental post - but I am feeling rather overwhelmed by the spirit of this season - especially after all that has happened this year for us. So I leave you with a candle for contemplation and wish you a very joyous Advent.