So sorry for the length of time between posts!! I've just been crazy busy - you know how it is?!
T's health has taken a distinct turn for the worse - meaning getting him out of plumbing is of high importance and I have finally faced the fact that I should get out of care work and into a job which pays more. Do you remember my previous post about how unhappy he was and how I wondered if I should leave my job to make things easier for him? I really appreciated all the support and advice from you guys and T and I spoke about my staying in childcare but then he got a referral from the doctor to see a specialist at the hospital because they think he has Carpal Tunnel syndrome. This means installing a boiler single-handedly each day, carrying boilers up and down stairs that should be carried between 2 or more people and the constant twisting of his wrists and holding vibrating tools is not only painful in the short-term but also a concern for how it will affect him long-term.
I have seen his character change - he has become withdrawn and so fragile it makes me want to cry at how little I can do to help him. He feels guilty about looking for other types of work, even though, having looked around, I know that I can earn far more than he ever could and perhaps I should. I mean people invested an awful lot of money into the 4 years I spent at university and the skills I developed there are being wasted. More and more, in fact, I am getting frustrated because as an unqualified care assistant I can't do much, can't change things for the better, can't utilise what I know more but just have to "go with the flow". I am beginning to actually yearn for an intellectual challenge as well as a physical one...
You see, when I left university my confidence was knocked. As my dad said - at school I was a big fish in a little pond, then suddenly I was surrounded by some of the cleverest people in the country (Nottingham University was recently ranked number 9 in the country). The standard was so high, the pressure to succeed even higher. I spent a large amount of time there exhausted and ill. My best never felt good enough and I constantly felt I would miss the mark. By the time I left uni I wanted to be rid of that and as I adored care so much that's the route I took.
I adore my job - I love going to work, I love being with the children, I love the responsibility of it all... but at the end of the day I am working 41 hours per week for a mere £12k - where's the fairness in that?! Let's be fair, in the next few years T and I would like to think about settling down, moving somewhere nicer and starting a family. At the end of the day - I have qualifications and experiences that stand me in stead to be on a much higher salary than he could ever earn. I hate that it all comes down to money, but it does... if having the comfort of knowing our bills will be paid, even with a family, requires me to work and T to stay home with the kids then that's a choice I am more than willing to make!
I always thought I would want to be a SAHM and I would love it, truly I would, but more and more I am aware that I would eventually feel trapped. I thrive on challenge, I thrive on being pushed, I actually enjoy being taxed to find solutions and I like the idea of being a career woman - I just always lacked the confidence in my ability to do so. Don't get me wrong, if we do have kids I'd like to work part-time for a while, but would like to have a career I can return to, you know? And I think it's high time I faced my fears - after all before I went to uni I couldn't even go to the local shop on my own and look at me now!! I can do this, it's just gonna be out of my comfort zone for a while...
I'm not rushing into work - I'm applying for a couple of roles at the university - one of which is based in the international office and one is in fundraising - two things I have a real passion for. I like the thought of dressing well for work (instead of in a polo shirt that gets filthy within 2 hours of being at work lol), I like the thought of coming home and having the money to make my home my own without having to scrimp and save (although we've done well so far each decision has had to be carefully made, I'd like once in a while to be able to just do it - to even afford to travel abroad when I have holiday time and not just stay at home because we don't have the money!) And more than anything, I want to be able to stop worrying about money and give T the option to move out of the hole he is in and retrain in something else.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason - I know my experiences the past couple of years have made me realise how much I do actually enjoy being stretched mentally. I have no doubt that T's health issues are occuring because we both refused to get him out of a role that was killing him inside but which neither of us could make the decision to get him out. His physical discomfort is so bad right now that it is pushing me to push myself and forcing him to think of his own happiness as well as mine. It's a challenge - and it scares us both - but we know in the end this will all work out.
I will continue posting about the flat and answer the tag Brenda sent me over the weekend - but for now I gotta dash!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
*HUG*
i understand that in this situation it's probably inevitable that you leave daycare. 12K is not a lot to live on. it seems it's gotten to the point of no return now with T's health, and in this case, i think obviously it's going to make both of you terribly unhappy if you don,t do what you're talking about. and seeing you now, and how much you care for T, i think you're making the right decision. i know i would do anything for hubby, and i don't regret for an instant my decision to join him in his life and leave mine, though i truly feel i went through a period of mourning for my old life, through my depression, and i think my heart was truly broken by leaving England, in a way that can't be undone. But hubby makes my heart so happy in way nobody else could... so i understand why such a decision would be right.
also, having read your comments about the mental challenge as well, maybe it's not such a bad thing for you as i thought it might be. it's true that your mental talents are definitely not used as much as they should be in daycare. maybe it's just one of those things where you can't fulfil all sides of you through one thing, or you'll find a job that does that later on.
plus, i think for you earning enough to have your own kids is probably more important than looking after other people's?
i think, judging by the arguments you've put down, it's a good decision. good luck hon, i do hope you find something that truly is for you.
I understand you like working with children, as do I, but working that many hours for that kind of money is ludicrous if you have a degree. No offense. You got the degree for a reason, and if you ever plan on starting your career then why not now?
One thing I can't quite agree with...being a stay at home mom does not mean that you can't feel pushed, challenged, or in a position to find solutions. Some moms sit around all day every day cleaning and wiping butts, and some organize playgroups, do volunteer work, and set up community events. It is what you make of it...and if you do it the right way you'll end up with great things for a resume when you do return to working outside the home.
Good luck in finding a new job that suits your career!!
Oh Amanda,
sorry o hear you had a ough time!
T's physical condition does not sound great, it must be quite threatening to get such a diagnosis.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that you find a real great solution!
About "comfort zones" -you have travelled so much, bin in foreign countries, with foreign cultures and a foreign language - that is so far from any comfort zone, that is a very big challenge and you have done that, that is so great! you can do so much more!
I have sudied a year in a Gradsprogramme at an Ivy league university, I was shocked that most of the people I met were "functioning" because of prozac, tranquilizer, coffeine pills, alocohl, ... what a nightmare. Intelecutally I learned a lot this year, but now I know what I like the Austrian university system for...
Post a Comment