Until very recently I held my faith very deep inside of me - I never wanted to speak of it. Actually that isn't true - when I was a child and teenager I had no qualms about talking about what I believed if asked but I never really volunteered information. And then after an experience whereby a certain "way of having faith" was forcibly thrown upon me I vowed never, ever to do the same to others. But I found that I couldn't talk about my faith at all really then, not openly with others of different beliefs. So I spent my time caught in my own little world, speaking so passionately with those I knew shared my way of thinking but never once opening up to others, despite their friendliness and compassion.
For those of you who have followed this blog for a while or those who know me you may already know that for a long time I have been feeling torn - a part of me continues to feel the pulling force of Christianity whilst another part of me is firmly rooted in the more liberal, new age communities. Because of this I even began to shut down the more spiritual side of myself I had previously been so strongly connected to - Angels, Reiki, Meditation and Spirit Guides. It was like I could only be one or the other person - a Christian who shunned the new age (which I couldn't do) or a new age person who shunned Christianity (not as hard as the first one but just as painful). Deep down I felt the need to make peace with them both, but try as I might I just kept getting lost in a circle of confusion.
Recently, however, I turned back to the Bible with an open heart and an open mind and suddenly it all made sense. I no longer felt anger or bitterness (ok I felt anger at some of the things certain people wrote about the new age in relation to the Bible - but I had no hard feelings when reading the Bible itself). It was like the dawning of a new day - bright and glorious, full of hope after the darkness of the night before. I felt happy and threw myself into both prayer and reading (you wouldn't believe the amount of books I have procured and read these past couple of months). But you know what was even greater than that? It was the ability to SHARE my faith with others - to say "God is great" and know that I didn't have to hide a part of myself in doing so! Because finally I felt comfortable saying to people "I'm not sure where I fit into all of this but I want to share with you this wonderful gift - I want to hear what YOU feel and I want to share with you what I feel" - how wonderful it felt to be able to look at it in that way.
And in doing so something even more incredibly occurred - I found that all this time I had a wrong impression of Christianity based purely on a select few people who had such strong convictions that I just couldn't agree with because I felt sure God wasn't telling me such things in my own heart. And I found that many of my Christian friends had very similar beliefs to me - in fact for every moment I was able to say "I don't feel comfortable with the idea of Jesus being the ONLY way to God", for example, they were equally able to say "I don't feel comfortable with the idea of hell and suffering"... and they were able to share with me what they felt the Bible taught about Jesus and I was able to share with them how my own interpretation helped me to make peace with suffering and the idea of hell. The more we spoke and the more I read the clearer it became to me that the few people I had spoken to in earlier years who had put me off Christianity completely due to their "holier than thou" and "we know the answers" attitude were so tiny in their minority - far more people have doubts that in fact strengthen their faith (for me having doubts means your ability to trust in something you do not know the answers to is made stronger - I hope that makes sense!)
I'm continuing to chat and read about these things and discovering a world I never knew - a world where there needn't be boundaries and I can be open in both my own sharing and the sharing of others in what we believe and how we feel God. That to me is a great blessing and has made me so much more open to building a relationship with God as well - so today I am celebrating the beauty that is found in sharing. When questions are asked, I will endeavour not to shy away in fear, for then my faith is weak, but to truly hear what is being asked, pray/meditate on the subject and accept that certain things may change - for faith is such a fluid thing - the basic tenets may never change, but our understanding of its finer details can easily grow as we experience more and more each day.
And in that light I am opening this post up to any questions/discussions anyone fancies having (either through the comments or email dreamslastforever{at}hotmail{dot}com regarding faith of any kind, be it Christian, new age or something else (though please do bear in mind if it is something else you may have to explain the basics to me because I only know these two paths). I promise not to force any of my opinions on you - I am in this to learn, not to argue!
Have a wonderful weekend
Amanda x
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