Gah!!!

Ok - for some reason I am ever so slightly stressed. It may be that this is my final week at the uni and I feel sad to be leaving my students so close to their finishing. It may also be that I want to be down in Cambridge with T already and I know once I am down there, that is it - I never have to make do with the occasional weekend here and there anymore. It may also be due to the fact that however excited I am about my new job, new jobs are scary and at present I also have to find a house close enough for me to get to work on time (which pretty much means walking, cycling because the buses to all the cheaper places in and around Cambridge do not go early enough in the morning to allow me time to get from the bus stop to my work on time *sigh*).

So it's time I looked back over the past year and reminded myself just how much I have achieved, how much has changed and how this feels so "right" that I can and should trust that all will be well and we will find a place, on our budget, in the right area, at the right time...

Let's go back a year. I had just decided to leave my old nursery. I was so upset but I knew there was no other option for me. I had tried for months to get a raise, to find a way of cutting back on outgoings but there is only so much a girl can do - 2 meals a day (breakfast and lunch) are by no means enough to keep one going for more than a few months! I considered what I had of value to sell so I could stay there - that's how committed I was - but, alas, having been a poor student previously I had nothing of value - even my laptop was falling to bits.

I was sad to be leaving the babies and their parents - but happy and relieved as well. I knew I had no life. I couldn't afford to go out, so my life revolved around work, reading on the bus to and from work and staring at a computer screen trying to amuse myself. I went out with a few guys but nothing ever came of it because it just wasn't right for me at that time - I had no energy - our nursery was overstretched, underbudgeted and I came home stressed each day and so tired I couldn't be bothered to do anything but slob around the house.

I also had the worry of paying off my overdraft. That was the decision maker - there was no way I could stay in Cambridge if I couldn't get out of my debt. So I swallowed my pride, spoke to my parents and came home...

At first it was a blessing. But I felt lost for many months. I tried to start a business but I was too scared that it would succeed and I'd do something wrong to do anything about it. And then I met Tim.

He lived in Cambridge and we began talking online. This was about a week after I left Cambridge. We got to know each other and met about a month later when I returned to Cambridge for the weekend. He then came to visit me for the weekend. And so it continued, as we built up a firm friendship. I remember thinking when I met him that I could really like this guy, but I wasn't attracted to him. I also remember talking to friends and knowing I wasn't attracted to him because I was terrified of love.

It was like I gave myself permission to look after myself, to be looked after and to take time. And suddenly things happened. T and I began dating sometime in October. Just after I started working at the uni. I was busy most weekends, travelling to see friends all over the country. I didn't have time but I made time and I did so gladly. I freaked out big time and almost stopped our relationship before it even began - but T was an absolute star and helped me through my fears... now I feel so comfortable with him on all levels that I not only want to live with him, but I also had the most fun I've had in a long time in a heated debate (lots of shouting) about science and scientists who proclaim to know "the truth" and then change their minds 5 months later. I've never enjoyed debating in my life - but with T it's different. I know without a doubt that no matter how heated our discussion gets, he loves me and respects me and I love him and respect him and for me that meant I could lose myself in the moment and yell about how I felt about science until I turned blue and it didn't matter. Boy, was it fun!!

So that's where I am - I've gone from lonely, stressed, and penniless to having a boyfriend who is also my best friend, a new family (including two nieces I am unofficially adopting as my nieces too lol) and I am about to move back to the city I have adored since I first began staying there when I was 18. I am moving back into childcare with the prospects of finally getting some proper qualifications in it and I couldn't be happier... so what am I stressing about? Nothing, really... the rest is immaterial...

Now, how can I tell my overactive mind to remember that?! lol