I can't believe it's almost a week since I posted - it feels like it was only yesterday that I posted, and yet this week has been unbelievably taxing on me and I have also heard so much good news that it seems like it should feel like a lieftime. But it doesn't.
Work this week has been pretty hellish. I kid you not. By Wednesday I was actually thinking "what the f*** am I doing in this place, I could be working somewhere calmer and for far more money". Now you've all heard how much I adore children and working with them - I've even gone against the advice of most the people I know and love to come back into childcare, so it has to be bad for me to think that! I suppose it doesn't help that I know T is so unhappy with his work and would love to train in something else, but because my work doesn't pay enough to support us both he needs a fairly decently paid job. If it weren't for his wage we'd not be able to live together - end of. Our plan is to start sending him to some evening or weekend classes so he can investigate what he'd like to move into and then as I become more qualified and move up the ladder I can hopefully find myself in a better paid job and he can cut his hours to move into something he wants to do, just as I have done.
The only thing is I cannot help but worry I am wasting time. In essence, the perfect solution would be for me to be in a better paid job now so that he could retrain and work his way up to a good wage in another role in the next few years so that if and when we decide to have a family I don't have to work all hours like I do now. This is where my dilemma lies - I adore my job (usually) and I am confident in what I do. If I went into a higher paid job I would be more stressed and I don't want to return to that level of anxiety and consequent illness caused by stress. But at the same time, why should I expect T to work in a job he dislikes so much and has so little confidence in his ability to do it (despite having been in the trade for 10 years) that he worries constantly about it. I keep thinking about it and wondering what to do. Basically my work at the moment is perfect as it brings in money and the training opportunities are fantastic (I think I'm even down to do SENCO training this year!!) which will stand me in great stead for better positions in the future, perhaps even better for me than management roles.
In my head I know that logically this job is going to lead into a lot of better things for the both of us, and in my heart I believe it was set up for me by something outside of myself because it all happened so perfectly (getting the job I mean - it came at the perfect time and in the perfect area and then we found a perfect flat in the best place for us). But there is also that part of my heart that cannot help but hurt when I know I *could* be doing more to help T now rather than in a couple of years time.
My thoughts this week weren't helped by the fact I had a stinking cold and after the past few heavy work weeks I was so tired I ran out of energy on Wednesday and walking to and from work, up and down stairs carrying babies and running round after toddlers was more demanding than I could cope with, yet I found the energy from somewhere (own up, who felt a sudden leech attach to their energy supply?! It was probably you I was stealing it from hehe). We also had the worst Sunday (my only day off last week) ever, although I cannot tell you details without T's explicit permission. Needless to say, my last post about crying came about mostly because of how much I cried last Sunday - not the best start to a week like this one has been.
However, this week has been littered with such fantastic news from elsewhere I cannot help but be awed by the beauty of life still. First off, I heard news that my sister's friend had a healthy baby girl :o) I've known her friend for years, having taken her on our family holidays with us when I was a pre-teen and then working with her last summer (she's a primary school teacher). I am so pleased to hear her news and cannot wait to go home and maybe see the baby girl. This reminds me that I need to get cracking on making something for the baby shower of one of my old school girlfriends - she is expecting this summer and I am so excited for her too. We're still planning the weekend of the shower and how I'm going to get home for it. Then I found out today that one of my university girlfriends is now expecting!! Now when I say university girlfriend I mean someone I spent 3 weeks living with in Russia, which is a bonding experience like no other (lol) and then lived with for a year (our final, most stressful year) in which she also married and set up her emigration to Canada! She is very dear to my heart and if you'd like to pop over to the blog she just started and wish her well I'm sure she'd appreciate it!
It's now the weekend and my first full weekend off for ages - I am going to slob and catch up on everyone's news - yay! The nursery asked me to work the creche this Sunday but I said no - first of all I need this time if not just for me but for T as well. Secondly, it's my birthday on Monday and if I have to work then I certainly am not working the Sunday before it lol. Talking of the creche, I noticed something on the rotas which might mean a complete change to my work patterns in coming weeks - so you may be hearing more news about work pretty soon!
But for now I am going to go have the bath that T has run *sighs blissfully*. Have a lovely weekend xx
Saturday, 26 April 2008
Sunday, 20 April 2008
Sacred Life Sunday part 5 - The gift of tears
As I have written in recent posts, my life is finally becoming the life I always dreamed of - I am, quite literally, living my dream in this current moment. However, along with the awesome joy I am feeling, I am equally experiencing moments of great pain and sadness.
Until I met T, I never knew how to let go and cry in front of others. I would run and hide away, ashamed of the fear or pain behind my emotions. I would yearn to be able to experience tears in both joy and sadness as freely as I expressed other emotions such as peace and laughter. Yet only now do I realise that in fact even my laughter was stemmed - I was living behind a mask, only showing what I felt was "safe" to show.
Since T and I moved on from friends to lovers I have become far freer in my expression, as he has gently and lovingly guided me to let go and supported me in the ensuing responses. I have laughed like I was a child again, and so too have I cried!
Working with children reminds me just how freely they express how they feel. They have no shame, no fear or rejection - they live in the moment and experience in the space of two minutes a whole rainbow of emotions. It is beautiful and inspiring to see and I am thankful each day for the opportunity to see this.
So crying, for me, is a freedom, a blessing that I had lost sight of. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, in those strange and often confusing years of adolescence I lost the ability to feel fully. So today I am moved to remember the beautiful gift of tears.
Just as children use their tears and laughter to express their needs and desires when words are not available to them, so too do tears and laughter express what I can find no words for. As a linguist and poet I am someone who has lived her life fully focussed on the use of words to express whatever she has in her heart and mind. It is an almost uncomfortable position to find myself in, when looking into my love's eyes or seeing the world afresh from a place of love, to not be able to put into words just how I feel. This is where the rediscovery of tears and free laughter has been a true gift and blessing.
I wanted to include in this post a poem, as I have in all my previous Sacred Life Sunday postings. So I went to the bookcase and ran my finger along our poetry shelf and picked up the book Rainbows Through The Rain by Fiona Castle (Roy Castle's wife). The book contains poems, writings and bible quotations which helped the author to get through the hard times after her husband died, and the following poem was the one I opened up at today - it is perfect for the theme of today's post. Although I have not lost a love, I have felt the blessing of tears through my love and wish to share the following poem with you. Whether you believe in a God or not, I hope you enjoy the poem and are lucky enough to experience the true gift that tears can be in our lives.
With Love
Amanda xx
Until I met T, I never knew how to let go and cry in front of others. I would run and hide away, ashamed of the fear or pain behind my emotions. I would yearn to be able to experience tears in both joy and sadness as freely as I expressed other emotions such as peace and laughter. Yet only now do I realise that in fact even my laughter was stemmed - I was living behind a mask, only showing what I felt was "safe" to show.
Since T and I moved on from friends to lovers I have become far freer in my expression, as he has gently and lovingly guided me to let go and supported me in the ensuing responses. I have laughed like I was a child again, and so too have I cried!
Working with children reminds me just how freely they express how they feel. They have no shame, no fear or rejection - they live in the moment and experience in the space of two minutes a whole rainbow of emotions. It is beautiful and inspiring to see and I am thankful each day for the opportunity to see this.
So crying, for me, is a freedom, a blessing that I had lost sight of. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, in those strange and often confusing years of adolescence I lost the ability to feel fully. So today I am moved to remember the beautiful gift of tears.
Just as children use their tears and laughter to express their needs and desires when words are not available to them, so too do tears and laughter express what I can find no words for. As a linguist and poet I am someone who has lived her life fully focussed on the use of words to express whatever she has in her heart and mind. It is an almost uncomfortable position to find myself in, when looking into my love's eyes or seeing the world afresh from a place of love, to not be able to put into words just how I feel. This is where the rediscovery of tears and free laughter has been a true gift and blessing.
I wanted to include in this post a poem, as I have in all my previous Sacred Life Sunday postings. So I went to the bookcase and ran my finger along our poetry shelf and picked up the book Rainbows Through The Rain by Fiona Castle (Roy Castle's wife). The book contains poems, writings and bible quotations which helped the author to get through the hard times after her husband died, and the following poem was the one I opened up at today - it is perfect for the theme of today's post. Although I have not lost a love, I have felt the blessing of tears through my love and wish to share the following poem with you. Whether you believe in a God or not, I hope you enjoy the poem and are lucky enough to experience the true gift that tears can be in our lives.
With Love
Amanda xx
The Gift of Tears
Who has the wisdom to count the drops of rain
or the tears that flow from heartfelt pain?
As rain comes from the heaven to water the earth,
do tears come from the eyes to water the heart?
It is God who tips over the water jars from the heavens.
It is He who put the tears into the soul.
It is He who designed tears to flow from the eyes.
It is He who waters the Spirit to grow in our lives.
So what are tears but a language all of their own
between God the Creator to mankind on earth?
They are the unspoken and unspeakable words of wisdom,
our hearts speaking to His heart
and once shared with Him, He is with us.
Joan Morris
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Updates
Thank you all so much for all the kind comments you have left. We are now connected to the internet and today is my morning off so I have time to write a new entry!
I wish I had pictures to show you of our house, but I am still waiting for T's mum to email us the "before" pictures we took on her camera and we still need to take some "after" photos - I promise to do this asap!
The flat is so lovely - it is a third floor flat (in a modern build of three floors) and so light and airy. I spent the day after my last post cleaning the whole flat (cupboards and all) and carrying boxes full of books and clothes up 3 flights of stairs (after having helped get the sofa and tables up the day previous and knowing I'd have more to bring up over the weekend!) I must say that by Sunday I felt like I could barely move and getting the energy to walk to my work to learn the route and time how long it took was a bit of a stretch!
We are still waiting to collect T's bookcase so that we can finally empty the boxes full of books and we also need to figure out how to put the wardrobe together in the bedroom so we can finish sorting out the suitcases and bags of clothes. Then all we need is a bed frame so we aren't sleeping on a mattress on the floor and a few little bits that are not essentials but niceties and our home will be complete.
I cannot believe we have only been here 2 weeks and I started a new job 4 days after we moved in. I have settled into my new role so well I feel like I have been there far longer. I work 41 hours (10 hours per day - one hour of which is unpaid lunch) and then a half day. I am also working an extra 7 hours this Saturday at the creche in the local shopping centre and am currently staying after work on Mondays to train in tiny talk. I have to say working 8am-8:30pm on a Monday was not the easiest of things - I was dead to the world by 8:30pm the following day as it caught up with me hehe - but the training is so much fun and we are already teaching the "tweenies" (1-2 year olds) several signs, such as "more", "please/thank you", "milk", "food", "cake" and "raisins".
Yesterday I had them all dancing to music on the carpet area in the morning and we had physical play in the afternoon, which consisted of a ball pool and lots of trying to throw and catch and us adults trying to learn how to juggle - it was such fun! We have our own kitchen area in the "tweenie" room which means that the chef sends up the food he's cooked and we get to dish it out and sit with the children in our own routine and it works so much better than food being dished up by a chef who doesn't know each child's eating habits.
I'm in the 2-3 year old room this afternoon and pre-school tomorrow - unlike my old nursery where I hated being in other rooms because nobody spoke to you, I actually enjoy seeing how the other rooms work at this nursery. Last time I was in pre-school we took the kids to the local play park in the morning and then I spent the afternoon making treasure for their pirate treasure box with them. The nursery is very committed to learning and play through art and we even painted a tractor and some animals with the 1-2 year olds the other day. I have become known already as someone who is good at creative drawing and displays, although my deputy room leader has told me I am not to help anybody else's room (lol).
We have a good laugh, and although I am extremely tired at the end of each day, I wake up happy to go to work. I actually had a horrid morning off last Friday and going to work was the highlight of my day!! It helps that when I come home, the sun is usually shining, the route over the river is beautiful and I come home to find dinner on the table :o)
I must go now as I have loads of post for previous tenants to redirect and some laundry to do and I want to clean the bathroom and start sorting out a few more boxes whilst I have some time free. But I do promise to post pictures as soon as I have some available to post.
Have a wonderful day
Amanda xx
I wish I had pictures to show you of our house, but I am still waiting for T's mum to email us the "before" pictures we took on her camera and we still need to take some "after" photos - I promise to do this asap!
The flat is so lovely - it is a third floor flat (in a modern build of three floors) and so light and airy. I spent the day after my last post cleaning the whole flat (cupboards and all) and carrying boxes full of books and clothes up 3 flights of stairs (after having helped get the sofa and tables up the day previous and knowing I'd have more to bring up over the weekend!) I must say that by Sunday I felt like I could barely move and getting the energy to walk to my work to learn the route and time how long it took was a bit of a stretch!
We are still waiting to collect T's bookcase so that we can finally empty the boxes full of books and we also need to figure out how to put the wardrobe together in the bedroom so we can finish sorting out the suitcases and bags of clothes. Then all we need is a bed frame so we aren't sleeping on a mattress on the floor and a few little bits that are not essentials but niceties and our home will be complete.
I cannot believe we have only been here 2 weeks and I started a new job 4 days after we moved in. I have settled into my new role so well I feel like I have been there far longer. I work 41 hours (10 hours per day - one hour of which is unpaid lunch) and then a half day. I am also working an extra 7 hours this Saturday at the creche in the local shopping centre and am currently staying after work on Mondays to train in tiny talk. I have to say working 8am-8:30pm on a Monday was not the easiest of things - I was dead to the world by 8:30pm the following day as it caught up with me hehe - but the training is so much fun and we are already teaching the "tweenies" (1-2 year olds) several signs, such as "more", "please/thank you", "milk", "food", "cake" and "raisins".
Yesterday I had them all dancing to music on the carpet area in the morning and we had physical play in the afternoon, which consisted of a ball pool and lots of trying to throw and catch and us adults trying to learn how to juggle - it was such fun! We have our own kitchen area in the "tweenie" room which means that the chef sends up the food he's cooked and we get to dish it out and sit with the children in our own routine and it works so much better than food being dished up by a chef who doesn't know each child's eating habits.
I'm in the 2-3 year old room this afternoon and pre-school tomorrow - unlike my old nursery where I hated being in other rooms because nobody spoke to you, I actually enjoy seeing how the other rooms work at this nursery. Last time I was in pre-school we took the kids to the local play park in the morning and then I spent the afternoon making treasure for their pirate treasure box with them. The nursery is very committed to learning and play through art and we even painted a tractor and some animals with the 1-2 year olds the other day. I have become known already as someone who is good at creative drawing and displays, although my deputy room leader has told me I am not to help anybody else's room (lol).
We have a good laugh, and although I am extremely tired at the end of each day, I wake up happy to go to work. I actually had a horrid morning off last Friday and going to work was the highlight of my day!! It helps that when I come home, the sun is usually shining, the route over the river is beautiful and I come home to find dinner on the table :o)
I must go now as I have loads of post for previous tenants to redirect and some laundry to do and I want to clean the bathroom and start sorting out a few more boxes whilst I have some time free. But I do promise to post pictures as soon as I have some available to post.
Have a wonderful day
Amanda xx
Thursday, 27 March 2008
Got the keys
Thank you to all of you who have visited and left sweet comments for me. It really makes my heart happy to know there are people out there wishing us well and who still pop by to have a look even when I forget to post for days on end!!
The last couple of days have been rather stressful - first the money for the deposit went out of my bank but then didn't go into the letting agent's account. Having read various reports about this whilst trying to figure out why it takes up to 4 days to do something that would be instantaneous had I chosen to pay my bank the money to do it in branch (the cheek of asking me for money to click a few buttons I could do myself at home was too much for me to swallow) made me aware of how much interest these banks are making on interest by holding our money for as long as possible!! Oh do not get me started, I am fuming!!
Then of course there is the fact that the letting agents (yes we are somehow working with 2 agents for one flat with a landlord who lives in Singapore *sigh*) know we wanted to move in asap as I start a new job on Monday and do not want to be coming home and moving house after work that first week when I've had a whole week off free to do it now! Yet although they knew this very fact we had to push them to draw up the agreement whilst waiting for the money to clear - if it wasn't for persistent calls and emails we'd have still been waiting now for the contract to be made up and sent to us! So much for the 5-7 working days we were told it would take to get us into the place.
Of course a few more phonecalls later, the eventual arrival of our transfer into the agent's account and a quick trip down to the 1st letting agent to hand in the contract (and have them ring the 2nd agent who deals with contracts about the amendment we made due to somebody's negligence earlier on in terms of length of tenancy) meant I finally picked up the first set of keys today! *PHEW*
We're still waiting for the inventory check to be done and sent to us and we still need to contact them about the second set of keys and which electricity supplier they use (because if we change to one different to the previous tenant we have to pay any charges to put it back again at the end of tenancy). All I can say is I am glad we only have electricity in the flat and only have to set up one account rather than another one for gas as well!!
I popped along with some groceries for this evening's meal and tomorrow's breakfast but am waiting for T to come home so we can start moving things over. His sister is dropping her daughter off at his mum's tomorrow so she can come and help me clean and then the fun of getting a bed made up (rather than a mattress on the floor) and the sofa, tables, chairs etc into the flat and up all the stairs begins - but oh how very glad I am to finally have the keys and access to the flat - I cannot wait to get started on it!!
I shall probably be offline for a while as we get settled and wait for connection to the internet to be sorted but I hope to be back online very shortly with all the news and loads of piccies too!
The last couple of days have been rather stressful - first the money for the deposit went out of my bank but then didn't go into the letting agent's account. Having read various reports about this whilst trying to figure out why it takes up to 4 days to do something that would be instantaneous had I chosen to pay my bank the money to do it in branch (the cheek of asking me for money to click a few buttons I could do myself at home was too much for me to swallow) made me aware of how much interest these banks are making on interest by holding our money for as long as possible!! Oh do not get me started, I am fuming!!
Then of course there is the fact that the letting agents (yes we are somehow working with 2 agents for one flat with a landlord who lives in Singapore *sigh*) know we wanted to move in asap as I start a new job on Monday and do not want to be coming home and moving house after work that first week when I've had a whole week off free to do it now! Yet although they knew this very fact we had to push them to draw up the agreement whilst waiting for the money to clear - if it wasn't for persistent calls and emails we'd have still been waiting now for the contract to be made up and sent to us! So much for the 5-7 working days we were told it would take to get us into the place.
Of course a few more phonecalls later, the eventual arrival of our transfer into the agent's account and a quick trip down to the 1st letting agent to hand in the contract (and have them ring the 2nd agent who deals with contracts about the amendment we made due to somebody's negligence earlier on in terms of length of tenancy) meant I finally picked up the first set of keys today! *PHEW*
We're still waiting for the inventory check to be done and sent to us and we still need to contact them about the second set of keys and which electricity supplier they use (because if we change to one different to the previous tenant we have to pay any charges to put it back again at the end of tenancy). All I can say is I am glad we only have electricity in the flat and only have to set up one account rather than another one for gas as well!!
I popped along with some groceries for this evening's meal and tomorrow's breakfast but am waiting for T to come home so we can start moving things over. His sister is dropping her daughter off at his mum's tomorrow so she can come and help me clean and then the fun of getting a bed made up (rather than a mattress on the floor) and the sofa, tables, chairs etc into the flat and up all the stairs begins - but oh how very glad I am to finally have the keys and access to the flat - I cannot wait to get started on it!!
I shall probably be offline for a while as we get settled and wait for connection to the internet to be sorted but I hope to be back online very shortly with all the news and loads of piccies too!
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
Gosh how long it's been and how much has happened
I'm so sorry for the lack of updates and my absence from the blogging world. I have been online, but my time has been taken up by budgets, house viewings, arguing with my bank about trying to charge me to transfer money, sorting out paperwork for my new job, trying to find cheap (and free) furniture for the flat we found, packing mine (and T's) stuff and saying my goodbyes at home!
It's been a very exciting, stressful and bittersweet couple of weeks... we found the most perfect flat after looking at some really horrid places (seriously I never even lived in such places as a student!!!) and thinking we were doomed to live in a place where even a whole-house disinfectant wouldn't get rid of the "unclean" feeling! I have some photos on T's mum's camera but need to wait for him to put them onto the computer for me (I don't have the right software on my own laptop). As soon as I have them I shall post some before and after pictures!
T has returned to work today after a glorious week off together, where we even set up a joint bank account :o) According to T's sister we are now married in the financial world lol!! We've been offered furniture, tins of food and cleaning products from all members of both sides of the family, so we are now ready to go. The only thing is that the money for the deposit has gone out of my account but not cleared with the bank the letting agency uses, so we cannot get the keys until a-bank-that-shall-not-be-named sorts itself out and clears it. So for now I am spending my days packing up all of T's things (I don't know how he dare say I have more clothes than him!!!) and looking after his niece who is currently painting a piggy bank whilst his parents pick up the free sofa from a kind person who advertised on gumtree!
I love spending time at T's - I get to see both his nieces and get to know his family better. If I'd still been living in Cambridge when I met him I might never have been forced to spend so much time here and neither would he have got to know my family so well. This weekend the parents meet - it should be an interesting (and scary) experience!
There's another reason this week is bittersweet - I said goodbye to my hometown for what may be the last time. I have left home so many times over the past 6 years - but I always knew I'd be returning for holidays and things (such is the life of a student). When I graduated I went home but relations were so strained between my mum and myself that my dad told me if I didn't leave I'd do irrepairable damage - he was right! So I left, and things were HARD! Going home and actually healing my relationship with my mum was the best thing I ever did and I am so glad I am leaving this time in good spirits and knowing that although I am so excited to finally have a place to call my own (not a shared house with random strangers) I will still miss being so close (geographically speaking) to my family.
*edit* had to stop writing as the sofa arrived - it is beautiful with a capital beau and it has free cushions and a free throw!! T's mum has also got out her old sewing machine so I can have a go at making more nice things to go with it - yay!
It is now the morning after I first wrote this post - I've just seen T off for work, with a lovely pack-up which includes my Grandma's homemade Lincolnshire plum bread! That's another thing - it seems only us Lincolnshire folk say "pack-up" everybody else calls it a packed-lunch... most times I say "pack-up" people give me a blank look and ask me what on earth I'm talking about. Does anybody else have such phrases that they took as normal until they met people from further afield and realised it was only a local saying?
It's been a very exciting, stressful and bittersweet couple of weeks... we found the most perfect flat after looking at some really horrid places (seriously I never even lived in such places as a student!!!) and thinking we were doomed to live in a place where even a whole-house disinfectant wouldn't get rid of the "unclean" feeling! I have some photos on T's mum's camera but need to wait for him to put them onto the computer for me (I don't have the right software on my own laptop). As soon as I have them I shall post some before and after pictures!
T has returned to work today after a glorious week off together, where we even set up a joint bank account :o) According to T's sister we are now married in the financial world lol!! We've been offered furniture, tins of food and cleaning products from all members of both sides of the family, so we are now ready to go. The only thing is that the money for the deposit has gone out of my account but not cleared with the bank the letting agency uses, so we cannot get the keys until a-bank-that-shall-not-be-named sorts itself out and clears it. So for now I am spending my days packing up all of T's things (I don't know how he dare say I have more clothes than him!!!) and looking after his niece who is currently painting a piggy bank whilst his parents pick up the free sofa from a kind person who advertised on gumtree!
I love spending time at T's - I get to see both his nieces and get to know his family better. If I'd still been living in Cambridge when I met him I might never have been forced to spend so much time here and neither would he have got to know my family so well. This weekend the parents meet - it should be an interesting (and scary) experience!
There's another reason this week is bittersweet - I said goodbye to my hometown for what may be the last time. I have left home so many times over the past 6 years - but I always knew I'd be returning for holidays and things (such is the life of a student). When I graduated I went home but relations were so strained between my mum and myself that my dad told me if I didn't leave I'd do irrepairable damage - he was right! So I left, and things were HARD! Going home and actually healing my relationship with my mum was the best thing I ever did and I am so glad I am leaving this time in good spirits and knowing that although I am so excited to finally have a place to call my own (not a shared house with random strangers) I will still miss being so close (geographically speaking) to my family.
*edit* had to stop writing as the sofa arrived - it is beautiful with a capital beau and it has free cushions and a free throw!! T's mum has also got out her old sewing machine so I can have a go at making more nice things to go with it - yay!
It is now the morning after I first wrote this post - I've just seen T off for work, with a lovely pack-up which includes my Grandma's homemade Lincolnshire plum bread! That's another thing - it seems only us Lincolnshire folk say "pack-up" everybody else calls it a packed-lunch... most times I say "pack-up" people give me a blank look and ask me what on earth I'm talking about. Does anybody else have such phrases that they took as normal until they met people from further afield and realised it was only a local saying?
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
Gah!!!
Ok - for some reason I am ever so slightly stressed. It may be that this is my final week at the uni and I feel sad to be leaving my students so close to their finishing. It may also be that I want to be down in Cambridge with T already and I know once I am down there, that is it - I never have to make do with the occasional weekend here and there anymore. It may also be due to the fact that however excited I am about my new job, new jobs are scary and at present I also have to find a house close enough for me to get to work on time (which pretty much means walking, cycling because the buses to all the cheaper places in and around Cambridge do not go early enough in the morning to allow me time to get from the bus stop to my work on time *sigh*).
So it's time I looked back over the past year and reminded myself just how much I have achieved, how much has changed and how this feels so "right" that I can and should trust that all will be well and we will find a place, on our budget, in the right area, at the right time...
Let's go back a year. I had just decided to leave my old nursery. I was so upset but I knew there was no other option for me. I had tried for months to get a raise, to find a way of cutting back on outgoings but there is only so much a girl can do - 2 meals a day (breakfast and lunch) are by no means enough to keep one going for more than a few months! I considered what I had of value to sell so I could stay there - that's how committed I was - but, alas, having been a poor student previously I had nothing of value - even my laptop was falling to bits.
I was sad to be leaving the babies and their parents - but happy and relieved as well. I knew I had no life. I couldn't afford to go out, so my life revolved around work, reading on the bus to and from work and staring at a computer screen trying to amuse myself. I went out with a few guys but nothing ever came of it because it just wasn't right for me at that time - I had no energy - our nursery was overstretched, underbudgeted and I came home stressed each day and so tired I couldn't be bothered to do anything but slob around the house.
I also had the worry of paying off my overdraft. That was the decision maker - there was no way I could stay in Cambridge if I couldn't get out of my debt. So I swallowed my pride, spoke to my parents and came home...
At first it was a blessing. But I felt lost for many months. I tried to start a business but I was too scared that it would succeed and I'd do something wrong to do anything about it. And then I met Tim.
He lived in Cambridge and we began talking online. This was about a week after I left Cambridge. We got to know each other and met about a month later when I returned to Cambridge for the weekend. He then came to visit me for the weekend. And so it continued, as we built up a firm friendship. I remember thinking when I met him that I could really like this guy, but I wasn't attracted to him. I also remember talking to friends and knowing I wasn't attracted to him because I was terrified of love.
It was like I gave myself permission to look after myself, to be looked after and to take time. And suddenly things happened. T and I began dating sometime in October. Just after I started working at the uni. I was busy most weekends, travelling to see friends all over the country. I didn't have time but I made time and I did so gladly. I freaked out big time and almost stopped our relationship before it even began - but T was an absolute star and helped me through my fears... now I feel so comfortable with him on all levels that I not only want to live with him, but I also had the most fun I've had in a long time in a heated debate (lots of shouting) about science and scientists who proclaim to know "the truth" and then change their minds 5 months later. I've never enjoyed debating in my life - but with T it's different. I know without a doubt that no matter how heated our discussion gets, he loves me and respects me and I love him and respect him and for me that meant I could lose myself in the moment and yell about how I felt about science until I turned blue and it didn't matter. Boy, was it fun!!
So that's where I am - I've gone from lonely, stressed, and penniless to having a boyfriend who is also my best friend, a new family (including two nieces I am unofficially adopting as my nieces too lol) and I am about to move back to the city I have adored since I first began staying there when I was 18. I am moving back into childcare with the prospects of finally getting some proper qualifications in it and I couldn't be happier... so what am I stressing about? Nothing, really... the rest is immaterial...
Now, how can I tell my overactive mind to remember that?! lol
So it's time I looked back over the past year and reminded myself just how much I have achieved, how much has changed and how this feels so "right" that I can and should trust that all will be well and we will find a place, on our budget, in the right area, at the right time...
Let's go back a year. I had just decided to leave my old nursery. I was so upset but I knew there was no other option for me. I had tried for months to get a raise, to find a way of cutting back on outgoings but there is only so much a girl can do - 2 meals a day (breakfast and lunch) are by no means enough to keep one going for more than a few months! I considered what I had of value to sell so I could stay there - that's how committed I was - but, alas, having been a poor student previously I had nothing of value - even my laptop was falling to bits.
I was sad to be leaving the babies and their parents - but happy and relieved as well. I knew I had no life. I couldn't afford to go out, so my life revolved around work, reading on the bus to and from work and staring at a computer screen trying to amuse myself. I went out with a few guys but nothing ever came of it because it just wasn't right for me at that time - I had no energy - our nursery was overstretched, underbudgeted and I came home stressed each day and so tired I couldn't be bothered to do anything but slob around the house.
I also had the worry of paying off my overdraft. That was the decision maker - there was no way I could stay in Cambridge if I couldn't get out of my debt. So I swallowed my pride, spoke to my parents and came home...
At first it was a blessing. But I felt lost for many months. I tried to start a business but I was too scared that it would succeed and I'd do something wrong to do anything about it. And then I met Tim.
He lived in Cambridge and we began talking online. This was about a week after I left Cambridge. We got to know each other and met about a month later when I returned to Cambridge for the weekend. He then came to visit me for the weekend. And so it continued, as we built up a firm friendship. I remember thinking when I met him that I could really like this guy, but I wasn't attracted to him. I also remember talking to friends and knowing I wasn't attracted to him because I was terrified of love.
It was like I gave myself permission to look after myself, to be looked after and to take time. And suddenly things happened. T and I began dating sometime in October. Just after I started working at the uni. I was busy most weekends, travelling to see friends all over the country. I didn't have time but I made time and I did so gladly. I freaked out big time and almost stopped our relationship before it even began - but T was an absolute star and helped me through my fears... now I feel so comfortable with him on all levels that I not only want to live with him, but I also had the most fun I've had in a long time in a heated debate (lots of shouting) about science and scientists who proclaim to know "the truth" and then change their minds 5 months later. I've never enjoyed debating in my life - but with T it's different. I know without a doubt that no matter how heated our discussion gets, he loves me and respects me and I love him and respect him and for me that meant I could lose myself in the moment and yell about how I felt about science until I turned blue and it didn't matter. Boy, was it fun!!
So that's where I am - I've gone from lonely, stressed, and penniless to having a boyfriend who is also my best friend, a new family (including two nieces I am unofficially adopting as my nieces too lol) and I am about to move back to the city I have adored since I first began staying there when I was 18. I am moving back into childcare with the prospects of finally getting some proper qualifications in it and I couldn't be happier... so what am I stressing about? Nothing, really... the rest is immaterial...
Now, how can I tell my overactive mind to remember that?! lol
Saturday, 8 March 2008
Sunshine and smiles
Ok so this photo was actually taken (by me *giggles*) a few weeks back at one of my favourite joints in Cambridgeshire. But the picture sums up just how I was feeling Wednesday at 10am, 11am and about 1:30pm and then again at about 3pm!!!As tyou may have guessed my interview went well! At 10am I found myself at a wonderful nursery, so different in style to my old nursery it was incredible. At 11am I found myself leaving the interview with the words "we'd really like to give you a job, we'll see what we can sort out salary wise for you" ringing in my ears. At 1:30pm I was on the phone agreeing to a decent salary and prospects of both training and a even better salary for less hours within the next year hopefully. At at 3pm I agreed with my current agency that my notice period would be cut short so I could begin after the Easter break.
So that was m Wednesday - all sunshine and smiles...
It is only now dawning on me that I have one week left at my current job (due to Easter holidays), and 3 weeks in which to find an affordable place to live. I begin work on 31st March and I cannot wait - I do not know the exact details of my work (i.e. what age group I'll be working with) but I do know it is 41 hours spread over 4 long days and one half day - that suits me fine! There are baby signing classes for staff starting in April - whoo hoo! And once they are sure I am settled there I will be starting child care qualifications, jumping straight to level 3 due to my already have a range of experience and a degree... as far as I'm concerned life couldn't be better...
I feel so blessed!
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