Omg it was the funniest thing - I was sat on the bus coming home from work and the bus had stopped to let some passengers off. As it began to move again and I was rocked by the sudden movement I suddenly thought "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" with all the enthusiasm of a kid discovering the delights of being pushed on a swing or going down a slide for the first time - I then proceeded to crack up over this reaction and how good it felt to feel good!
Today was a strange day. It began with waking up having had very little sleep and sitting on the bus fighting my eyes which kept closing and drifting in that inbetween space where you are not fully asleep but you're not fully awake either and you think something is happening but it's not until you are jolted awake that you realise that you had imagined it... you know what I mean?
Anyway, on my trip through the hospital (which I have to walk through to get to the nursery) I dropped off at the shop and bought a smoothie in the hopes that chugging one of those down whilst battling what felt like gale force winds between the hospital and the nursery I might somehow find some energy... and it worked... I didn't feel tired once at work today - not that I ever had time to!
We usually have 4 staff in our room but one is off sick and another only works a half day on Thursdays - so we had an agency worker come in. So basically she just did as she was asked whilst we ran around doing the stuff like nappies, making bottles of milk etc - problematic at the best of times, what with the nursery never having enough bottles and me not being police checked yet and unable to be left in a room alone with any of the kids. So I spent most my day running between the room and the milk kitchen, washing, sterlising and making up around 12 bottles at a time *phew*.
I was late to lunch and then arrived back in time to be sent running round the nursery to tell everyone that Ofsted (the government inspectors for schools and childcarers) had arrived and the rooms needed to be tidied asap and to then run around trying to get everyone fed, cleaned and ready to go home - it was hectic to say the least!
But I do love my work - however many shortcoming the nursery itself has I love working with the babies and chatting with the parents and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. I even voluntarily worked an hour and a half overtime today, not leaving until 7pm in order to have time to change the wall display to make a nice colourful and artistic way to display the rainbow collages we made earlier this week :o)
I then came home, in a really good mood, pleased with my work, to find that my reiki master had replied to my message and I am having my master level attunement tomorrow evening :o) and also to find some new comments on my blog -whoopee!!!
And it is Friday tomorrow - meaning that the clearing of my room (which is a tip and which I reall want to clear as the energies are blocked), the sorting through of my belongings and bagging up of stuff for the charity shop (again to move the energies and release ties to the past) and the posting of the crystals I am sending to my friend in return for the book she is sending me can all happen! :o)
I feel good and I feel good for feeling good... and I again feel like saying "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Thursday, 11 January 2007
Tuesday, 9 January 2007
Breakthrough!
Ok, so I started this blog because I wanted somewhere to write about finally living my dream (and I didn't want to be a total stranger to those who may want to see who the heck this weird person is who keeps posting comments on their blogs lol). But somehow it seems to have been moaning all the way. And this is part of my major breakthrough...
I've been depressed on and off for about 5 years now... but unwilling to admit it until recently because I simply couldn't accept it about myself. Yet I knew I was depressed and desperately trying to find a way out - I would wake up feeling sick and wishing I wasn't where I was - be that home, uni, Germany, Russia... but what I didn't fully understand was all my "if onlys" were completely empty.
When I was in Russia, for example, I would think "if only I were in England I'd be happier" or "If only I could speak the language better I'd find this easier". When I was at uni I'd think "If only I was working and not at uni" or "If only I'd had the courage to leave when I was in my second year"
But when those "if onlys" came true I found that actually I was no happier than before - and so my blog became a bit of a moan fest rather than a celebration of finally being somewhere I have always truly dreamed of being.
This past week I did some real soul searching and suddenly what I had believed in theory for so long suddenly really hit home and I finally "got it".
In recent weeks/months I've been trying to be honest with those around me about how I have been feeling. This has caused much upset for many people because I am suddenly no longer hiding the depth of my emotion and saying "actually I hurt" and at the same time I have been healing because I am honouring my feelings. It's still hard but I am beginning to learn that it is ok to feel sad, to feel angry, but more importantly that it is ok to make "mistakes".
This is something I could never do before and I always had to get it right first time... I placed pressures upon myself which didn't exist and which made me truly unhappy. I needed to succeed academically - I couldn't just do a degree I had to get a high mark. I couldn't just start a job - I had to be one of the best new employees they'd ever had and get it right straight away. I couldn't be my own person - I had to be the perfect friend, lodger, student etc even though such a thing doesn't exist.
Once I truly understood this about myself and truly acknowledged that these pressures were my own doing I suddenly had the power to change my perception and experience life differently. As I wrote to a friend yesterday:
Uni wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove to people (and myself) I could do it...
Specsavers wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove myself to people (and myself) I could do it...
(see the pattern)
My health isn't the problem - I am... my wallowing in it, my hiding behind it ("If I weren't so ill I'd do better" - the safety clause it offers me), my self-sabotaging behaviour (not taking herbs, vitamins, eating well...)
My parents aren't the problem - I am... my need to be perfect for them rather than being perfect for me, my need for them to grow with me rather than realising they have their own lives and lifepaths
And you know what all this means??
It means *I* have the power to change all this - *I* have the power to be happy, healthy and free
How empowering is that?
And so - even though nothing has changed around me - my perception has and suddenly things feel ok. I know that I will still have rough days - I know I will still hide behind old patterns - but that's ok - I accept that and hope to experience it as it comes.
And suddenly I feel so much more peaceful and I am getting rid of so much old clutter - I am currently swapping some crystals for a book with a friend, sending clothes which no longer fit me to the charity shop, realigning the energy in my room by use of plants, crystals and less clutter and am looking forward to my final reiki attunement :o)
Life is looking good and my greatest dream of being happy and loving myself finally look achieveable!
I've been depressed on and off for about 5 years now... but unwilling to admit it until recently because I simply couldn't accept it about myself. Yet I knew I was depressed and desperately trying to find a way out - I would wake up feeling sick and wishing I wasn't where I was - be that home, uni, Germany, Russia... but what I didn't fully understand was all my "if onlys" were completely empty.
When I was in Russia, for example, I would think "if only I were in England I'd be happier" or "If only I could speak the language better I'd find this easier". When I was at uni I'd think "If only I was working and not at uni" or "If only I'd had the courage to leave when I was in my second year"
But when those "if onlys" came true I found that actually I was no happier than before - and so my blog became a bit of a moan fest rather than a celebration of finally being somewhere I have always truly dreamed of being.
This past week I did some real soul searching and suddenly what I had believed in theory for so long suddenly really hit home and I finally "got it".
In recent weeks/months I've been trying to be honest with those around me about how I have been feeling. This has caused much upset for many people because I am suddenly no longer hiding the depth of my emotion and saying "actually I hurt" and at the same time I have been healing because I am honouring my feelings. It's still hard but I am beginning to learn that it is ok to feel sad, to feel angry, but more importantly that it is ok to make "mistakes".
This is something I could never do before and I always had to get it right first time... I placed pressures upon myself which didn't exist and which made me truly unhappy. I needed to succeed academically - I couldn't just do a degree I had to get a high mark. I couldn't just start a job - I had to be one of the best new employees they'd ever had and get it right straight away. I couldn't be my own person - I had to be the perfect friend, lodger, student etc even though such a thing doesn't exist.
Once I truly understood this about myself and truly acknowledged that these pressures were my own doing I suddenly had the power to change my perception and experience life differently. As I wrote to a friend yesterday:
Uni wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove to people (and myself) I could do it...
Specsavers wasn't the problem - I was... my need to succeed, my need to be perfect, my need to prove myself to people (and myself) I could do it...
(see the pattern)
My health isn't the problem - I am... my wallowing in it, my hiding behind it ("If I weren't so ill I'd do better" - the safety clause it offers me), my self-sabotaging behaviour (not taking herbs, vitamins, eating well...)
My parents aren't the problem - I am... my need to be perfect for them rather than being perfect for me, my need for them to grow with me rather than realising they have their own lives and lifepaths
And you know what all this means??
It means *I* have the power to change all this - *I* have the power to be happy, healthy and free
How empowering is that?
And so - even though nothing has changed around me - my perception has and suddenly things feel ok. I know that I will still have rough days - I know I will still hide behind old patterns - but that's ok - I accept that and hope to experience it as it comes.
And suddenly I feel so much more peaceful and I am getting rid of so much old clutter - I am currently swapping some crystals for a book with a friend, sending clothes which no longer fit me to the charity shop, realigning the energy in my room by use of plants, crystals and less clutter and am looking forward to my final reiki attunement :o)
Life is looking good and my greatest dream of being happy and loving myself finally look achieveable!
Wednesday, 13 December 2006
German!!
After reading the most wonderful news over on Cherry's blog and how it all happened in Vienna I became very reflective about how very long it's been since I really spoke some German. I miss German and reading about the Christmas markets only strengthened my yearning for the days when I used to speak it all day, every day!
So, I went on gumtree, looking for maybe a German community here in Cambridge. No luck on that front - but I did find an advert for a language exchange network where people who want to improve their skills in one language in exchange for support in their own for someone else can advertise what they're looking for.
I was trawling through the adverts thinking "oooh she sounds interesting" and "wow he comes from Berlin - I miss Berlin!!" when I came across one for a guy who is currently living in Scotland and wanted to practise his English in return for help with German. Sounded good to me!
So I added him to my skype - thinking it'd be days before we got chance to chat, if ever...
5 minutes later I'd received a reply from him and we spent the next 3 hours chatting away - all in German... oh am I in heaven or what!!! Even being rudely awoken in the middle of the night by a coughing fit has done nothing to dampen my spirits... and all because I got to speak a little bit of German...
It's amazing what can make you happy, isn't it?!
So, I went on gumtree, looking for maybe a German community here in Cambridge. No luck on that front - but I did find an advert for a language exchange network where people who want to improve their skills in one language in exchange for support in their own for someone else can advertise what they're looking for.
I was trawling through the adverts thinking "oooh she sounds interesting" and "wow he comes from Berlin - I miss Berlin!!" when I came across one for a guy who is currently living in Scotland and wanted to practise his English in return for help with German. Sounded good to me!
So I added him to my skype - thinking it'd be days before we got chance to chat, if ever...
5 minutes later I'd received a reply from him and we spent the next 3 hours chatting away - all in German... oh am I in heaven or what!!! Even being rudely awoken in the middle of the night by a coughing fit has done nothing to dampen my spirits... and all because I got to speak a little bit of German...
It's amazing what can make you happy, isn't it?!
Wednesday, 6 December 2006
Back to childcare
It struck me today that my blog has become a bit random - rather than focusing on living the dream of working in childcare which I had intended it to be (though of course usually what I intend for things to be is never what they actually turn out to be so I don't know why I was so surprised!).
So back to the childcare...
Today I turned up to find two workers in a room with 16 yes that's 16 babies!!! We're supposed to be a ratio of 1:3 - so much for that - today unit 1 had 18 babies and unit 2 had 11 (unit 2, my unit, managed to meet the ratio target but unit 1 didn't!)
What annoyes us the most is that we had new parents coming in for a visit to see what the nursery was about and so we had to hide the fact that we had 6 more children than we should have in one unit... one was handed over to our unit and the other 5 sent to another room with an assistant - I mean, seriously, how crap is that?!?!?!
However there is an upside to working at the nursery - we had a staff meeting today (at 6:15pm I might add when I finished my shift at 4:45 and had to sit around doing nothing for an hour and a half!) where we were introduced to the new planning concepts and key workers schemes which will be put in place from January - this means each employee will have 3 or 4 children within a certain age range for which they have to plan activities for each day of the week to cover the 4 target areas of the government's Birth to Three Matters framework. This really excites me because it means I will be more involved in planning for the intellectualy, social, emotional and physical needs and development of a specific group of children and get to do observation work and feedback to the parents more!
Most of the assistants were unhappy about these changes, about all the paperwork involved etc - but I am used to doing paperwork - when I worked in the care home in Germany I had to document every single activity I did with any of the residents - it makes sense and I prefer it that way - it means you actively play a role in the welfare of those in your care rather than simply going along day-by-day... something that I think is extremely important in an environment such as the nursery where it is often difficult to spend quality time with all the babies. This new scheme should really help us to make sure each child receives at greater standard of care each and every day rather than simply being fed, changed and having a cuddle here and there...
Another plus is that we will soon be learning baby yoga, baby massage and baby sign-language... three things I am so very excited about I cannot begin to tell you... and not only are we learning how to do them - we are actually doing certificated courses in them!! And it's all part of the job!!
Oh how I love my work - even if there are aspects I hate - the other bits sure make up for it!
So back to the childcare...
Today I turned up to find two workers in a room with 16 yes that's 16 babies!!! We're supposed to be a ratio of 1:3 - so much for that - today unit 1 had 18 babies and unit 2 had 11 (unit 2, my unit, managed to meet the ratio target but unit 1 didn't!)
What annoyes us the most is that we had new parents coming in for a visit to see what the nursery was about and so we had to hide the fact that we had 6 more children than we should have in one unit... one was handed over to our unit and the other 5 sent to another room with an assistant - I mean, seriously, how crap is that?!?!?!
However there is an upside to working at the nursery - we had a staff meeting today (at 6:15pm I might add when I finished my shift at 4:45 and had to sit around doing nothing for an hour and a half!) where we were introduced to the new planning concepts and key workers schemes which will be put in place from January - this means each employee will have 3 or 4 children within a certain age range for which they have to plan activities for each day of the week to cover the 4 target areas of the government's Birth to Three Matters framework. This really excites me because it means I will be more involved in planning for the intellectualy, social, emotional and physical needs and development of a specific group of children and get to do observation work and feedback to the parents more!
Most of the assistants were unhappy about these changes, about all the paperwork involved etc - but I am used to doing paperwork - when I worked in the care home in Germany I had to document every single activity I did with any of the residents - it makes sense and I prefer it that way - it means you actively play a role in the welfare of those in your care rather than simply going along day-by-day... something that I think is extremely important in an environment such as the nursery where it is often difficult to spend quality time with all the babies. This new scheme should really help us to make sure each child receives at greater standard of care each and every day rather than simply being fed, changed and having a cuddle here and there...
Another plus is that we will soon be learning baby yoga, baby massage and baby sign-language... three things I am so very excited about I cannot begin to tell you... and not only are we learning how to do them - we are actually doing certificated courses in them!! And it's all part of the job!!
Oh how I love my work - even if there are aspects I hate - the other bits sure make up for it!
Wednesday, 22 November 2006
Today's the last day...
Tomorrow I begin working at the nursery - so today is the last day of dreaming before I begin living the dream tomorrow... I am so excited and yet... so not.
I feel like I should be more excited - maybe I'm not because I don't want to expect too much. Maybe it's because I still have loads to do today. Maybe it's just apprehension taking over. Far too often I miss out on the excitement because I overanalyse and worry far too much about what could go wrong... something I am trying to change.
So many fears - will I be good at it? Will I like it? Will they like me?
I guess only time will tell... and for now I should be getting on with all my bits and bobs.
Today I have to go to the doctors for a new-patient check and also to get a dodgy mole checked which I've had for years but it just keep playing on my mind... then I really wanted to go on the bus to the hospital to time the journey and also find my way through the hospital grounds, and then I need to go to Tesco to buy some essentials... just gotta work out which order to do it all in...
I feel like I should be more excited - maybe I'm not because I don't want to expect too much. Maybe it's because I still have loads to do today. Maybe it's just apprehension taking over. Far too often I miss out on the excitement because I overanalyse and worry far too much about what could go wrong... something I am trying to change.
So many fears - will I be good at it? Will I like it? Will they like me?
I guess only time will tell... and for now I should be getting on with all my bits and bobs.
Today I have to go to the doctors for a new-patient check and also to get a dodgy mole checked which I've had for years but it just keep playing on my mind... then I really wanted to go on the bus to the hospital to time the journey and also find my way through the hospital grounds, and then I need to go to Tesco to buy some essentials... just gotta work out which order to do it all in...
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